Food Fat Fear

"I just eat a normal amount of food, that I wouldn't normally eat."
I said, after having a single beer, and yet feeling quite fuzzy and warm inside my brain.

I'm almost always trying to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing.

I used to give reasons to the cashier at McDonald's, as to why I might be ordering fries.
Seriously.
"I went to the gym this morning."
"Late night study session."
"I just lost a bunch of weight, so, y'know, I can."

So.  Weird.

WhyTheHellWouldIDoThat?!?!?!?!

I have had a strange, messed up relationship with food my entire life.
I'm an obese person, at heart.  Naturally, I'm large and I gain and carry weight very, very easily.
It's not something you deal with, and it's cured.
It's kind of a lifelong thing.
Like any relationship, really.
And, aren't the relationships most worth having, the most difficult?
Heh!  Good one, right?!

I had a hard time even saying the word, food.
Or hungry. Or eat.
Still do, truth be told.

I still find myself putting things back on the shelf at the grocery store for fear of being judged.
I avoid ordering things from the menu that I'm afraid will paint me as being an "unhealthy" person.

I've had many more lightbulb moments in regards to nutrition, than for fitness.
To have the realization on my date with my boyfriend, that it's not something I would normally eat, which makes it a "cheat", was a revelation.

If a "cheat", or, even better than that, a "treat" meal doesn't feel special or taste like absolute freakin' heaven, then it's probably happening too frequently.

Ugh.  Harsh, right?

This is a tough concept, and once I realized this, I was able to easily conclude that eating out is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle, for me.

Lots of people can go out for dinner and choose the tossed salad with grilled chicken.
I am terrible at this.

So, I plan carefully when I am going to eat out, so that I don't have to have so many restrictions.

I am not competing, probably never will.  I am not trying to be below 30% body fat.  All I really want is to stay within 10lbs of my wardrobe.  So, my diet isn't too strictly regimented, however, a couple of nights out at a restaurant wreak havoc on my body and more importantly, my mind.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I truly believe that everyone's journey to health is different.
If you're following some else's path, without taking the time to figure out your own personal pitfalls and challenges, then, I would go out on a limb to say, that your changes probably won't be long-lasting.

It's undoubtedly the most difficult trek I've been on, but also the absolute best and one that has impacted every single part of my life.
I fall off the wagon, I eat trash, but I never give up.  I never think to myself, well this has all been a waste and I might as well eat my way to 200+ again.
I have a houseful of kids who are watching my lifestyle and if nothing else, I want for them to know how to have balance in this part of their lives.
God knows there's not a lot I can control, so I'm putting a helluva lot of effort into this.  Having a healthy body is directly related to having a healthy mind.

I want these kids to have positive thoughts, and the idea that kids have anxiety at younger ages than ever is enough to scare a Mom.  Healthy Mom = happy Mom = (hopefully) happy, healthy kids.