Not Invisible

How many years have you hated your body?
I have hated mine for most of my life.
Hated it.
Resented it.

I hated how it looked.  How it made me feel.  How it made me feel about myself.  Hated how powerless I felt to change it.  Hated how it made my clothes look, and how it made me a target for second glances and judgemental eyes.  Hated it for betraying me.

I have hated my body for so, so long.
In this process?  Unexpectedly?  I am falling in total love with my body.

A few months ago I asked a friend to do a crossfit competition with me.  This is outside my comfort zone.  I don't consider myself a competitive person.  I like running because you are blended into a crowd.  Most people aren't "focusing" on you.  At this competition I could feel eyes, watching me.  Watching us.  And I was bursting with so damn much pride that I could feel myself well up several times during the day.  My partner, Sam, and I were focused and prepared and when I felt weak, I could hear her cheer, and I knew I could find something deep down inside me, to push through.  My friends from Crossfit Leduc were there too!  Participating, volunteering, supporting.  Amazing.

I stepped into this gym just shy of a year ago.  It was meant to be a short term stay.  I didn't want to drive into the city over the winter.  I am in love with this place.  With the people who call this place home.  I am proud as hell to be a member of this phenomenal facility.  There are a couple of events at this gym, and this past year I volunteered at one, and I chose to be a competitor at this past one.  Both experiences were humbling.  Inspiring.  I have seen some unassuming individuals do some mind-blowing things.  I have seen people bust out a PR.  I did unassisted dips yesterday.  For the first time.  I started to celebrate this win, but had to reel it back in...

"Holy sh*t!  I JUST DID THAT!  Jericho, I can't believe I just did that!"
*clock still running
"Not the time, right?  OK.  I'll just keep doing these..."

It was just one of a few memories I will take away from this competition because there were so, so many.  My friends were so strong and pushed so hard through some seriously tough workouts.  We shouted and cheered for our friends, for athletes we'd never met.  We were in awe of some of the shredded bods and their abilities.  To say that I am grateful to Annie and Brad for putting on another fantastic event doesn't begin to describe my gratitude.

To Sam:  You are f*cking strong! You are so positive and tenacious, and I knew you'd be a great partner!  You kept me afloat and encouraged me to fight when I felt depleted.  You were uncomfortable.  So was I!  But in spite of that, we crushed the day yesterday and though I didn't have many expectations for yesterdays competition, I sure wasn't expecting to make it to the finals!  Thank you for being my gym partner and for pushing me, and for pushing yourself!  You are one bad a*s Mama!  So glad I found you and all the other devoted folks at Crossfit Leduc.

From years of hate and being uncomfortable in my skin, to seeing the pics posted yesterday and not hating even one of them.  Look like a goofball?  Sure.  But I didn't look at one photo and think to myself, "ugh, I look so friggin' fat."  It's a lousy way to feel about yourself all the damn time, and I can tell you that the size of my body hasn't had much influence on how I feel about it.  What has changed how I feel about my body?  My capacity to lift heavy things and persevere through some serious conditioning.  The things this body can do are incredible, if I do say so myself, and I have a funny feeling that had I just, simply changed sizes, that the self-love thing might not have followed in quite the same way.

It's a bit of a strange transition, really.  When I was heavier, I wanted so badly, to just be small enough to be invisible.  Small enough to blend in.  To look "regular".  To be "regular" sized.  I wanted it SO badly.  The funny thing is, the change happens, slowly, and it has momentum.  Slow, but it's there.  Momentum comes in lots of forms, too.  You pull your jeans on and there's no muffin top today.  Someone who hasn't seen you for awhile mentions that you're looking good.  You're not winded when you climb some stairs.  Momentum.  Victories.  And, then, one day you're invisible.  But shortly after, you're visible again.  Because you're starting to love yourself in a new way.  Your confidence starts to burst out like sun rays.  It's an incredible, empowering feeling, to actually enjoy living in your skin.

It makes me want to shake the people who have just started their journeys - "JUST BE PATIENT!  I PROMISE YOU THAT GOOD THINGS ARE COMING!"

You, friend, are about to gain confidence you never knew existed.  You are about to start shedding those feelings of hate, and you are about to reveal to yourself a body that can do amazing things, and that you just might start falling in love with.

I catch a glimpse of the new veins that are emerging on my arms, and I break into a smile.  I can see, and feel new muscles and small crevices where fat is melting away and it makes me almost tear up.  I never thought I was capable of something so incredible, and it's all my doing.  Mine.

I can see the bottom of my ribcage.  Never.  Ever.  I have never been able to see this.  I have always had a layer of soft, comfortable belly to cover it.  I have the beginnings of abs, friends.  F'real.

This body.  This body that I have regarded as my enemy for so long.  But also, this body that has helped create and house three freakin' amazing children.  That has run countless miles.  Completed 2 full marathons and 13 half marathons and one crossfit competition. This body that can squat more than it weighs. This body that can easily keep up with those three kiddos, and that does not harbour bugs to make me sick with illness.  This body.  Mine.  That I have wasted too many years hating.
Now, I am so, so proud of it.
So proud.