Every Year

I was driving to my bootcamp class this evening, when I very suddenly had an awful feeling, in the pit of my stomach that nearly took my breath away and left me with a pain in my gut.
I found myself wondering, what on earth could make me feel this way, and before I could even finish thinking those words, I remembered.
I remembered that around this time, the holiday season, seven years ago, seven years ago, was the time that you were ill and eventually passed.
It still seems fresh, and raw, even after all these years.
I still remember driving, every weekend for seven hours, for weeks and weeks, just to see you for a few days.
I would give almost anything to spend all my weekends driving, however far it be, to see you again.
I remember praying harder and more than I ever had before.  Praying that you would get better.  Praying that you wouldn't suffer anymore, but that you would recover and come home.  Praying that this wasn't your time, because you're one of the good ones.
I remember and feel the pain as if it happened yesterday.

I wish that you could have met my husband, and our beautiful children.  One of whom is named after you.
I wish that you could have met all the new members of our family.
I wish that you were here with us, instead of in heaven watching over us.

The songs they played at your funeral, I Can Only Imagine and Silent Night, still bring tears to my eyes in an instant.
It's true that time heals, but time doesn't forget, and I'm grateful for that.
I will never, ever forget you.

I miss you Grandpa, and I love you.

The Evolution

It amazes me how different my two children are, and also how my love for them can be so different.

Audrey is nearly three years old and so we've had the pleasure of having her in our lives for much longer than Ellie.
I don't know if the diversity of love for one's children is a taboo subject because it may imply that there is an inequality, or if it simply isn't something we discuss because at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.  In any case, it is something I could not have known I would feel.
The analogy I use for this is to have a new car.
I know, children should not be compared to cars, but for the sake of a comparison, I'm goin' there!

Having a new baby is like waking up every morning knowing that there is a brand new car in your drive way, except the novelty lasts much longer than that of a new car.  ;)
Having a toddler is like waking up every morning knowing there is a brand new car in your drive way also.
Except that car is a Lamborghini.

I love my children without exception and without question and I would never, ever, ever say that I love either one of them 'more', because that will never be the case.
The difference is, that we have had three years of Audrey, and only 5 months of Ellie.
We have had the chance already to watch Audrey grow, change and develop into a dynamic and interesting little girl.
I know we will have the same opportunities with Ellie, and I'm so very grateful for that.

I found a RARE photo of the four of us on Ellie's 'birth'day!
She's only a handful of minutes old!

I'm unsure of how my love for them will change in another three years, but the thought that we will be lucky enough to go through this again with another beautiful little gaffer, is enough to make me wake up every day excited - both for the brand new Toyota and the Lamborghini!

Goals, Inspirations & Aspirations

Goals, inspirations and aspirations...
What's the diff?

To me, a goal is something I am GOING to do.
I've registered for the Hypothermic Half Marathon for February 10, 2013.

An inspiration is someone, or something that makes me want to go for a run, or workout, or get outside my comfort zone.

An aspiration is something that I WANT to do.
I recently read a story about a friend of a friend (this story is actually true, I promise!), who lost 125lbs over the course of 5 years, and just yesterday completed an Ironman.
The whole thing.
By herself.

This story INSPIRED me to ASPIRE to do an ironman.

I was also inspired to register for the Hypothermic Half today, which means that I will do it.
Check it out, I'm on the confirmed list!
Any runner knows that if you drop $73 on a race, there's almost nothing that will stop you from getting your arse to the start line!

This story also sparked my interest in doing another marathon (I'm aiming for the Edmonton Intact in August 2013), and in a few years, after some triathlons (I'm also aiming to do three sprint triathlons over the course of the summer of 2013!), to train for and complete an ironman myself.

When I finish the 1/2 marathon in February, and I'm sure I haven't sustained any more injuries or aggravated the old ones, I plan to register for the Intact marathon and continue training, which means that from this point on, and until mid August, my Sundays will have long runs and my weeks will be filled with bootcamp, short weekday runs and hill runs.

I feel like training is an innate part of my identity.
Knowing that my legs can carry my body over some tremendous distances, has absolutely helped to shape the person I am today.
There have been countless times during my life that I have drawn upon my running experiences to get through a difficult or stressful situation.
Most recently, during my labour with Ellie, when I felt weak, I remember saying to my husband that I felt like I was at mile 20 of the marathon.
At mile 20, I stopped.
I said to my brother and Dad that I was tired, and sore and that 20 miles was enough.
Of course, I didn't stop and I finished the marathon.
All 26.2miles of it.

So, my life is once again dedicated to training and running a couple of large events in the coming months and I really, honestly couldn't be more thrilled!

I'm excited for what my athletic future holds and I hope that I can add triathlete to my sporting resume.
I aspire to someday be assigned an ironman race number that my friends and family can follow during the day-long event!

Thank you Deirdre for sharing your friends' story!
If you happen to read this, please let her know that she has inspired me!