No one could have told 15 year old me, that when I started running, I would never, ever stop being a runner. Or that I would be a beginner several times over the years.
No one could have told 17 year old me, that I would not, in fact, end up becoming a Marine Biologist living on the West Coast.
No one could have told 18 year old me, that I would begin an undergrad degree that would take me so many places.
No one could have told 22 year old me, that moving out of province would be so empowering, and yet so challenging, or life-changing.
No one could have told 23 year old me, that I would need to suffer a crippling heartbreak, in order to meet my big love.
No one could have told 25 year old me, that the boy I would meet on the internet was going to evolve into one of the greatest men I'd ever know.
No one could have told 27 year old me, that I could absolutely have a baby, and she would become a person I adore. And she would have two younger siblings.
No one could have told me, that on my 40th birthday, I would spend the day running up and down 200+ stairs with some of my closest friends and family.
No one could have told me, that at 40, I would find so much pleasure in the truly mundane.
No one could have told me, that being at home, with my own fivesome, would be my favorite thing to do.
June 27th (the day before my birthday, actually - because my birthday was a Monday), I woke up early. 630am. I got dressed and packed snacks and water, and headed to the river valley stairs in Devon. I was set on completing 40 sets of the 200+ stairs. My Dad came for the 7am start, and to my absolute amazement, I was also met by many friends - and a surprise countdown poster, complete with sticker stars for each set, and decorations in the forest! It felt like I was meant to be there, at that moment.
Many friends would join me for several sets - many friends even completed more sets than they'd ever done! Their children came, and blew me away with their tenacity. It genuinely felt like an analogy for our lives - some people come, stay for a little while, and then leave. Some stay longer. And each person who is there, is there to support you, the best way they can. It was one of the best days I'd had - as we were already over a year into the Covid pandemic.
I have known so many incredible humans. Some have even stayed for the long haul - in spite of my fierce introvertedness and desire to stay home, rather than venture out. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I have cultivated a group of people who support me and my little herd, because I don't have a lot of friends. The ones I work hard to keep, are so worth it. And I often have a desire to connect my friends because they are all so tremendous.
It took me around 3 hours to complete all 40 sets of stairs, and I actually felt quite good in the following days.
I think part of aging is growth, and something I'm quite proud to have learned, is pacing.
Goals do not need to have an end. I know many coaches will profess that "good" goals have end dates, but there aren't rules. You can do what you want. Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon, and having completed two marathons, I can tell you this is a great comparison.
During both of my marathons, I contemplated every life choice I'd made to get me there.
Truly.
During the Florida marathon, I had blisters on top of blisters from the humidity. I was dehydrated and under fueled, and was digging so deep for strength I wasn't sure was there.
It was. It still is, and when the time comes again for me to find that kind of strength, it will be there.
No one could have told me, that I would be a two time marathon finisher - and both would be completed after I'd become a Mom.
I would sometimes complete a set of stairs, and it would be #14, or #27 and I would try to think about something that had happened when I was 14, or 27. I couldn't always think of something.
Guilt. Why haven't I done enough that I can recall even one thing from each year?
Except I have done enough. That's part of the pacing. What makes me amazing, isn't one thing a year. It might be that some years were jam packed with cool memories, and others were defined by crushing blows. And each encounter had to happen, in order for me to end up here.
Something else I've learned is that I do not have a clue what tomorrow holds. Or next year. Or 10 years from now.
We've heard it our whole lives - all we have is now. And it doesn't make much sense, and sounds a bit flouf-y, but one day, it DOES make sense. You get it. You're 40.
When I look back on my grown up life, I've completed so many items off of a bucket list that I made up as I went. I'm made goals on the spot, and sometimes smashed those, and sometimes had to readjust, or just let them go.
No one could have told me, that there would be some years where I did not like being married. But that my life partner would work with me, and together we would have hard conversations, and come out better - as individuals who are choosing to stay married.
No one could have told me, that I would have three gorgeous children who I love more than I ever thought possible, but who do not define me.
No one could have told me, that I would reinvent myself 1000s of times over the 20 years between 20 and 40.
No one could have told me, that I'm not a clean freak, but that I enjoy a tidy house.
No one could have told me, that I would stop getting several speeding tickets every year.
No one could have told me, that one of my favorite outings would be to Costco. (You can relate, I'm sure!)
No one could have told me, that I would realize that people who are older/younger than me are not better/worse than me. We're all learning.
No one could have told me, that we would live through one of the longest and deadliest pandemics the world has ever seen.
No one could have told me, that even though I knew what my life would be like, it would actually be nothing like I'd imagined, but so much better.
No one could have told me, that during the years my kids were babies, we would get so little sleep. I have a hard time remembering them little and wish I'd taken more videos.
No one could have told me, that our neighbors would be our best friends and that even during the dark days of the pandemic, they would make me laugh harder than I've ever laughed before.
No one could have told me that my two best girlfriends would be decades apart in age, and walk completely different life paths, yet we keep each other afloat sharing funny memes and tik toks. (What a time to be alive, is right?!)
No one could have told me, during any of the stages of my life, how things would turn out.
I thought I had it figured out. I'm not a type A person, or a planner of any sort, but I still sometimes find myself looking back on the years, thinking, "Well would you look at that?! It didn't go the way I thought it would at all, yet we're still at this great place?"
I think it's part of growing up, that we should have a plan of sorts - we're told that from a young age - that we should know what we'd like to do with our lives.
That's a load of garbage, and I hope our children can know that their life path can have a million forks - but what matters, is that they are good, kind people.
Funny would be great too, but we'll see how they turn out. Lol!
I've spent a lot of time not writing, because, honestly, I've been in the depths of depression. That's part of life, and I know that now.
I'm also realizing that I'm not great at taking pictures, but I'm pretty good with words, so if the legacy I can leave for my kids is words on the internet, then something on the screen is better than nothing on the screen.
And that's the kind of energy I'm taking into 2022...
Something is better than nothing.
