Temptation

I had plans for today.
Sleep all night, after my evening shift.
Get up, put biggle on the bus.
Pack middle and little into car and head to the gym for a workout.

I feel like life was just wringing her hands and shaking her head slowly while these plans marinated in my brain.

Instead, it went like this,

Return to hospital at 1140 for call back.
Think, OK, hopefully there's no more of that...

Get called back two more times during the night.

Sleep until 815.
Get up frantically to throw gym gear on and try to get there in time.

Realize the entire family is not in the house.

Call husband to find out that bus was broke down.
He had to drive biggle to school.
Husband meets at Tim Hortons for child swapping.

Head to the gym.

Receive call at 840 that biggle is throwing up in the school office.
Turn around.
Pick up biggle and head home to put everyone's jammies on and watch movies all friggin' day.

Life, some days, you're a huge bit*h.

My thought, as I was driving home from picking up my child,
who at this point has a lovely, barfy aroma about her, was,

Eff.  This.  Day.

As someone who eats for comfort, that roughly translates to, I'ma eat whatever the hell I want to today.

I've had many, many of these days over the past six months, and not surprisingly, found about 14 extra pounds through the process.

Recently, though, I've found some help, and I've been back to my normal, healthy, good-feeling self.
But today, I'd given myself permission to just, not even.

Except that I knew that if I went home and just made a big protein heavy breakfast, that I'd likely follow up with another, and another healthy choice.

I may eat a donut later today, but I'm already compensating for that.
And at the end of the day, I may not feel like it, which is how I know I'm back.
Donuts are life.  That will never change.

You see, temptation is like a wild animal.  She's untamed.  Always waiting for her chance to break free and, well, eff your day up.  If given the opportunity, she can wreak havoc for days, weeks, even months.  She's quite easy to appease, because her favorite thing is when you make a lousy food choice, and because of this, it can be difficult to cage her back up.

The bars and security detail on her cage?  They're made of satisfaction.

If you eat things you like, and you never have cravings, then those bars are iron clad.  That guard is a big, beefy meathead.
If you never think to yourself, "I can't have that", but, rather, "I'm choosing not to eat that", then the strength of the bars grows, as willpower.

Deprivation, however, weakens the armor that's holding that broad in place. 
That sneaky traitor will be pulling those bars apart faster than you can stuff those mini chocolate bars into your face, two at a time.

When you're "off the wagon", it can seem like you're never going to get there ever again.
You can even be at peace with that, like, "I can make this McDonalds's work for me.  Timbits every day is juuuuuuust fine."
I can justify almost any lousy choice.
I think most of us can.  I told you, temptation is a clever gal!

The truth is not in the pudding.
The truth will be found in your clothes.
Because they won't fit.

Food Fat Fear

"I just eat a normal amount of food, that I wouldn't normally eat."
I said, after having a single beer, and yet feeling quite fuzzy and warm inside my brain.

I'm almost always trying to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing.

I used to give reasons to the cashier at McDonald's, as to why I might be ordering fries.
Seriously.
"I went to the gym this morning."
"Late night study session."
"I just lost a bunch of weight, so, y'know, I can."

So.  Weird.

WhyTheHellWouldIDoThat?!?!?!?!

I have had a strange, messed up relationship with food my entire life.
I'm an obese person, at heart.  Naturally, I'm large and I gain and carry weight very, very easily.
It's not something you deal with, and it's cured.
It's kind of a lifelong thing.
Like any relationship, really.
And, aren't the relationships most worth having, the most difficult?
Heh!  Good one, right?!

I had a hard time even saying the word, food.
Or hungry. Or eat.
Still do, truth be told.

I still find myself putting things back on the shelf at the grocery store for fear of being judged.
I avoid ordering things from the menu that I'm afraid will paint me as being an "unhealthy" person.

I've had many more lightbulb moments in regards to nutrition, than for fitness.
To have the realization on my date with my boyfriend, that it's not something I would normally eat, which makes it a "cheat", was a revelation.

If a "cheat", or, even better than that, a "treat" meal doesn't feel special or taste like absolute freakin' heaven, then it's probably happening too frequently.

Ugh.  Harsh, right?

This is a tough concept, and once I realized this, I was able to easily conclude that eating out is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle, for me.

Lots of people can go out for dinner and choose the tossed salad with grilled chicken.
I am terrible at this.

So, I plan carefully when I am going to eat out, so that I don't have to have so many restrictions.

I am not competing, probably never will.  I am not trying to be below 30% body fat.  All I really want is to stay within 10lbs of my wardrobe.  So, my diet isn't too strictly regimented, however, a couple of nights out at a restaurant wreak havoc on my body and more importantly, my mind.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I truly believe that everyone's journey to health is different.
If you're following some else's path, without taking the time to figure out your own personal pitfalls and challenges, then, I would go out on a limb to say, that your changes probably won't be long-lasting.

It's undoubtedly the most difficult trek I've been on, but also the absolute best and one that has impacted every single part of my life.
I fall off the wagon, I eat trash, but I never give up.  I never think to myself, well this has all been a waste and I might as well eat my way to 200+ again.
I have a houseful of kids who are watching my lifestyle and if nothing else, I want for them to know how to have balance in this part of their lives.
God knows there's not a lot I can control, so I'm putting a helluva lot of effort into this.  Having a healthy body is directly related to having a healthy mind.

I want these kids to have positive thoughts, and the idea that kids have anxiety at younger ages than ever is enough to scare a Mom.  Healthy Mom = happy Mom = (hopefully) happy, healthy kids.