I know I'm not the only one out there fighting the good fight, losing weight.
So while I was out running yesterday, a song came on and I ended up with a few tears, mid-run, over some of the lyrics.
This happen to anyone else? Why does my music often cause me emotional angst whilst I'm running?!?!
The song is called Superheroes and the line goes like this:
"When you've been fighting for it all your life."
Tears. Immediate, freezing cold, tears.
I have seriously been fighting ALL my life for this.
I don't often talk about my childhood (does anyone, really?), because I didn't have the most fantastic one.
Don't get me wrong, my family is and always has been amazing, but as soon I was flung into a group of peers, be it neighbourhood kids or school kids, I was an easy target.
I was overweight. Not just a little, but a lot. I was overweight in a time, when it seemed, no one else was.
Being a chubby kid is soooooo much harder than being a chubby adult.
Was it hard when the kids called me fat, without even batting an eyelash? Was it hard when a girl in grade 6 followed me home, teasing me, when I was in grade 1? Was it hard when I was on a diet program at 7, and ordered salad for breakfast at a restaurant?
Yes. It was hard. And it wasn't just hard then, it's hard now too, to think about or even talk about.
I have no idea how, but I will continue to fight so that none of my precious children deal with weight issues, ever.
And I know that genetically speaking, at least one of my kids will battle weight, but I can try and model a healthy way to maintain so that they never feel it's a burden.
(For the record, my Mom came with me to school where I pointed out the older girl and she went batsh*t crazy on her. I don't remember any of it, but I bet it was epic!)
I struggled with whether or not to include a picture of me in those years, but I'm not doing to. A lot of you knew me, and if you didn't, then maybe it's best you don't think of me that way.
What I am currently struggling with, is looking in the mirror and still seeing the fat girl, even now.
I sometimes feel like I'm a thinner girl stuck in the chubby girls' body.
I'm sure there are some reading this who feel the opposite. Maybe you were always slender, perhaps you didn't have to work too hard, and now you feel like you're trapped in someone else's body.
The issue is the same. Not being able to feel like yourself in your own skin.
What do you say when people tell you that you look great? I always find that hard.
"Oh, thanks. It's been a lot of hard work and I still have lots to do."
"Oh, well, it hasn't been very much fun! Hahaha!"
I find it stressful partly because it's comfortable to be the way I've always been.
It's familiar to look in the mirror and see a fullness that's always been there. A heartiness that keeps the wrinkles on your body from sinking in and your face looking friendly.
It's as exciting as it is scary to look in the mirror and see bones, veins, muscles, emerging from my new body. Truly, things I have never, ever had because even as a child I had a little extra on my body. Is this the new me? Is this the body I will have for the rest of my life?
Will I stumble? Fall?
Will I push farther past this?
I don't feel relief when I look in the mirror, like things are finally the way they were meant to be.
I feel this sense of fear at this anticlimactic result.
It didn't happen overnight, it happened slowly, and I can't help but think that this thing I've been fighting for all my life, is something I will continue to fight for. Every day.
That's scary.
Going back is scary.
Going further, is scary.
I have faith that this new lifestyle will become easier and more second nature than old habits, but I know from experience that it won't come easy.
Is anything worth having, easy?
Another line in the bawl-fest-inducing-song goes like this:
"Every day, every hour turn the pain into power".
This line pumps me up.
Being a chubby kid sucked. It sucked a whole bunch.
But as Rafiki says, I can learn from it, or I can run from it.
I've spent many years pretending my childhood woes didn't happen, but I've decided that it was a part of what made me, me, and I'm going to use it to fuel my drive and perseverance.
Here's a link to the song.
I absolutely LOVE that it's called Superheroes, because I definitely feel invincible when I'm out there rocking a solid 5, or 10k!
Superheroes Song
Tuesday 18 November 2014
Thursday 6 November 2014
Runs with Purpose
In the past two weeks I have run 80+km.
I've run exactly 6 times, and two of those six were juuuuuuuuuust shy of 30km.
I am in the throes of marathon training and I am loving it!!
I recently told my husband that I was so happy to be doing a weekly long run on Sunday mornings because it makes me feel like I have purpose and something to strive for.
A goal.
A goal is what keeps me signing up for workouts, buying new gear because the old stuff is getting worn out or, even better, too big!
It's what makes me lace my shoes up at 8pm on a cold, rainy Tuesday after I've already logged a workout earlier in the day.
If I didn't register for running races, I would probably carry around an extra 40lbs or so and really not be too motivated to move my rear.
Running is my thing.
MY thing.
And it might be yours too, but it most certainly doesn't have to be!
But what wouldn't be a bad idea for everyone, is to have goals.
Goals are what we want to eventually be, or do.
Something better than our current selves.
Write it down. Make it real. Revisit your goals in a few months time.
No one in the world needs to know what your goals are, but you.
Or, share them. Whatever you want! There's no rules for this stuff!
I'm getting frightfully close to a big milestone in my weight loss journey, and although I'm excited that my clothes are fitting and I'm able to run, a lot, and take a flight of stairs without being winded, I'm also scared of reaching certain points and deciding, that here, or there, is good enough.
I've done it many times before and there's not a darn thing wrong with being okay with yourself, but have you ever wanted something so badly that every damn day, you're thinking about it?
I want this. I want to know how my body will look well within a normal, healthy weight. I want to know how that will effect my runs and workouts. My life in general. My marriage.
This time, I've got this. And I absolutely love the cartoon above because it is so friggin' true.
I have had some days where I would mow down my kids for a kit kat bar. Days where I literally wake up, and decide that today, I will gain weight. I won't even call these bad days, because they are truly part of the process, and I am a human being.
And even on the days I resolve to gain weight (and trust me, I do!), I've lost weight, overall.
Success. The arrow is still pointing up, but there are roadblocks and setbacks, and, well, life, really getting in the way.
I want to briefly introduce my next big goal, formally, and why I'm doing it.
I registered for the Goofy Race and a Half last year and had to defer because I grew a person instead.
To be honest, I haven't been too motivated to train and run this race because I've been fearful of another injury.
Then I met our neighbours.
My oldest goes to school with one of the kids next door and they have become instant best friends. He is such a great kid, and so easy to have around, it has been amazing, to say the least!
I also got the chance to meet the handsome guys Mom. She is a beautiful person who would move mountains for her kids under normal circumstances, but they don't have normal circumstances.
Two of her four children have a very rare condition. Not only rare, but fatal.
It seriously hurts my heart to even type that about her kids. Her kids.
And this amazing lady and her family live it. This is their reality.
I am incredibly lucky to be able to run, and I will be running the half marathon & marathon for these two resilient, tenacious, very cool and very loved kids and their family.
I'll be including the link in every blog post between now and race day so please consider donating to this charity which doesn't garner a lot of attention or support due to the rarity of the disease.
I'm hoping to have my first guest blog post by the Mother of these kids so she can give you idea of why you should donate so that a treatment or cure can be found so these kids can live long, healthy, awesome lives, like they deserve to.
Ataxia Telangiectasia Children's Project
I've run exactly 6 times, and two of those six were juuuuuuuuuust shy of 30km.
I am in the throes of marathon training and I am loving it!!
I recently told my husband that I was so happy to be doing a weekly long run on Sunday mornings because it makes me feel like I have purpose and something to strive for.
A goal.
A goal is what keeps me signing up for workouts, buying new gear because the old stuff is getting worn out or, even better, too big!
It's what makes me lace my shoes up at 8pm on a cold, rainy Tuesday after I've already logged a workout earlier in the day.
If I didn't register for running races, I would probably carry around an extra 40lbs or so and really not be too motivated to move my rear.
Running is my thing.
MY thing.
And it might be yours too, but it most certainly doesn't have to be!
But what wouldn't be a bad idea for everyone, is to have goals.
Goals are what we want to eventually be, or do.
Something better than our current selves.
Write it down. Make it real. Revisit your goals in a few months time.
No one in the world needs to know what your goals are, but you.
Or, share them. Whatever you want! There's no rules for this stuff!
I'm getting frightfully close to a big milestone in my weight loss journey, and although I'm excited that my clothes are fitting and I'm able to run, a lot, and take a flight of stairs without being winded, I'm also scared of reaching certain points and deciding, that here, or there, is good enough.
I've done it many times before and there's not a darn thing wrong with being okay with yourself, but have you ever wanted something so badly that every damn day, you're thinking about it?
I want this. I want to know how my body will look well within a normal, healthy weight. I want to know how that will effect my runs and workouts. My life in general. My marriage.
This time, I've got this. And I absolutely love the cartoon above because it is so friggin' true.
I have had some days where I would mow down my kids for a kit kat bar. Days where I literally wake up, and decide that today, I will gain weight. I won't even call these bad days, because they are truly part of the process, and I am a human being.
And even on the days I resolve to gain weight (and trust me, I do!), I've lost weight, overall.
Success. The arrow is still pointing up, but there are roadblocks and setbacks, and, well, life, really getting in the way.
I want to briefly introduce my next big goal, formally, and why I'm doing it.
I registered for the Goofy Race and a Half last year and had to defer because I grew a person instead.
To be honest, I haven't been too motivated to train and run this race because I've been fearful of another injury.
Then I met our neighbours.
My oldest goes to school with one of the kids next door and they have become instant best friends. He is such a great kid, and so easy to have around, it has been amazing, to say the least!
I also got the chance to meet the handsome guys Mom. She is a beautiful person who would move mountains for her kids under normal circumstances, but they don't have normal circumstances.
Two of her four children have a very rare condition. Not only rare, but fatal.
It seriously hurts my heart to even type that about her kids. Her kids.
And this amazing lady and her family live it. This is their reality.
I am incredibly lucky to be able to run, and I will be running the half marathon & marathon for these two resilient, tenacious, very cool and very loved kids and their family.
I'll be including the link in every blog post between now and race day so please consider donating to this charity which doesn't garner a lot of attention or support due to the rarity of the disease.
I'm hoping to have my first guest blog post by the Mother of these kids so she can give you idea of why you should donate so that a treatment or cure can be found so these kids can live long, healthy, awesome lives, like they deserve to.
Ataxia Telangiectasia Children's Project
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)