Friday 19 January 2018

From There to Here

Had my hair done last weekend.  Lashes put on.  Spray tan the night before, and then hair braided and makeup done the morning of.

So self indulgent.  So self centered.  So narcissistic.  So needed.

I have been working hard for this.  It's been strictly for aesthetics, outer appearances, and though it's not an admirable way to live your life, it has been such an experience to fall in love with myself - and with what my body can do.

A lot of people have been telling me, have told me, that I'm beautiful inside and out.
Wow.  Seriously.  It makes me so emotional, that I have so many kind, thoughtful people in my life who think so much of me.  I am crazy, crazy blessed to live my life with this tribe of supporters.  Crazy.
And I am grateful for every single kind comment, and like and share on all of the social medias, and in real life.  SO grateful.  I have had a giant smile on my face all day!


But there's something I'd like to share.

I distinctly remember going on a trip to Hawaii many years ago with some friends.  I remember vividly that I did not feel I deserved to go on such a nice holiday because I was very large, and I was extremely uncomfortable in my body.

I have felt this discomfort for most of my adult life, and for much of my childhood too, because for the vast majority of my life, I have carried a lot of extra weight.
Shout out to Crossfit Leduc, amiright?!
The thing I want to share is something that one can only know if one has lived in a very large body for any period of time.

When people tell you you're beautiful at any size, you don't disagree.  You don't.  But, when you are living or have lived, as an obese person, it's a whole world that some people cannot comprehend, because when they say they loved you when you were also large, only you can know that you, at some point, didn't, or don't, love yourself, and that all the love in the world, pouring in from every which way, cannot get to you, because you don't feel a drop of it for yourself.

On that Hawaii trip, there are some pictures of me.  I have cleverly disguised my size by wearing baggy clothes, or making sure there were people, or objects blocking my body, or sometimes avoiding the camera altogether.  I was not comfortable, and to this day, it is the strongest memory of that trip for me.  Not feeling comfortable in my body.  Sucky, right?  That a gorgeous trip to Hawaii holds such a lousy memory?

So, the thing is, I feel as though this phenomenal group of people, who have been along this crazy journey called life, and have loved me, unconditionally, forever, might not truly understand how it feels to live obese.

I never doubted that you loved me.  I never doubted that you would be there for me.  I just assumed those things.  But inside myself, I fought a really, really hard battle.  A battle made entirely of inner dialogue, but that dialogue was filled with some of the most horrid, disgusting words.  Words I would never, ever in a million years say out loud.  Words that I hope my daughters never even consider to think.  And that is my why.

I love myself now in a way I could have never fathomed.  I set this goal out for myself, I worked hard, and persevered and thought about quitting every day.  But my why, is those two girls and little boy, who are molding self images, and who have seen their Mom do some incredible sh*t, but who will never know of the internal war I waged on myself for way, way too many years.  I wanted to prove to myself what I was capable of, and although these pictures are stunning and I am eternally grateful that this journey has been captured, I do not take that away from this experience.  What I take away, is a normalized relationship with food and with myself.  That's it.  When I see it written there, just a simple sentence, it seems small.  Trivial.  But the truth is, I have spent a whole lifetime longing for this.  And I've only just realized that I had the power to be in control.  I did.  All along.

From there to here?  It's been the longest road I've ever traveled.  It's not even over.  It never will be.  That's one of the things I've learned.  I know that sometimes people think, "well, I'll just go and do that", when they think about losing weight, but they don't consider that in the 'getting there', you will face some tough sh*t.  You will battle demons and memories and thoughts head on.  No one gains weight simply by eating too much.  Nonononono.  We gain weight because food helps us cope.  Food is easy, and comforting, and always there.  It is on the difficult days, the ones where you are ready to quit and you haven't gotten out of bed, that you will dig deep, and discover the self love you have repressed for so long, and you will get up and grind out that day.  Those are the days that cause the most transformation.

I know that some of this is inspiring.  I am honored, honored to think that even one person could think of me as an inspiration.  And I want you to be inspired.  I do.  So much.  I've been inspired a million times along the way too, in a million different ways.  If I can wish for you, though?  It's that you are inspired to love yourself.  Right now.  Don't wait.  I regret the energy and time I wasted not loving myself, and I wish I'd done it sooner, and I want for you to love yourself now, as you are, because the girl in these pictures?  She was always there, waiting for the self-love

Thank you Brandi, for being, and continuing to be, my tour guide.
www.motivateandbfit.com

And thank you to my dear friend Kelsie for capturing this emotional day!
www.kelsiekellyphoto.com

And BIG thank you to Crossfit Leduc for this facility, coaching and family.  You are some of the greatest people I know, Brad and Annie!
www.crossfitleduc.com


Haaaaaaammmiiiiiiiies...














Thursday 4 January 2018

No Explanation Necessary

Every single year, when the calendar passes Christmas and Boxing Day and the week before New Years meanders on, we start to see more and more posts about how the past year can bite it, because it sucked, and hopefully the next year is better...
Like every year, we are handed a fresh, brand new sheet of paper to turn into something amazing, and then here we are again, on Dec 29, balling it up to toss over our shoulder and begin again on January 1.

We define our lives by the sh*tty things that happen.  We define an entire year by the sh*tty things that happened.  How often do you hear someone say, "man, that was just a really great year!".  On December 29?  Not many...

But what if instead of remembering the few awful things that happened, and deciding that the whole year should be scrapped, we chose the things we achieved, obstacles we overcame, and celebrated them, but then scrapped the whole resolution bulls*t instead?  Hmmmmmm?  Whadyathink?!?!

Some not so pleasant things happened last year, but way, way more phenomenal things happened, and  I looked back on 2017 with pride.  See the good.  Find the positive.

I do not make resolutions because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

Instead, I make goals.  Doesn't "goal crusher" sound way cooler than "resolution crusher"?  It does.  I'll just go ahead and answer it for you.  Goals are measurable.  Goals have plans and action and the acceptance of setbacks.  Goals will still be around in June.  Resolutions are usually just a fart in the wind by then.

My goal this year?  To stop seeking approval.  Validation.  I am enough.  I do not owe anyone an explanation for how I live my life, and I do not need to hear yours.  Make your page beautiful this year.  You do you.

There's a window where I work, where, in good lighting, you will catch a perfect reflection of yourself.

I've worked here long enough to see many different reflections looking back at me, and many of them have made me sad, and many of them, including my gigantic pregnant bellies, have made me so happy.

I can recall seeing myself, after returning from my last maternity leave, and noticing that my shoulders were rounded.  I remember thinking to myself, that my goal was to sculpt myself some nice shoulders.

I caught myself in that window the other day.
Goal = achieved.

I am on the single digit weeks in prep for my photo shoot in January, and I am driven as f*ck.
Let me tell you, my focus is sharp, and my "why's" are crystal freakin' clear.
I know why I'm doing this, and I am so confident in myself, that when you have something to say about my transformation, I do not feel the need to respond.  I am just that confident.

I heard a fella on Instagram the other day, Gary Vee, you may have heard of him.  He's a crazy motivating individual, and he will make you believe in your damn self.  He was talking, passionately, about goals. The message was, who's permission are you waiting for?  And it.  Was.  Good.

There were some choice words in his video, but I would venture to say they were warranted, but the truth is that most of us are scared of our goals, sometimes because we are seeking permission from somewhere. Acknowledgment.  Validation.  As if, once we get that, only then can we pursue our goals.  What?!  Like, why?? Sometimes, you need to be super honest with yourself.  What bullsh*t excuse is it this time?  Are you waiting for permission?  Who's green light do you need before you can go on and live the life you want?  Who's?  It has only been when I decided, for my damn self, to do what I want, that I have been the most happy.  That I have felt like I have had the most purpose.

But, why do you want to do a photo shoot?
For myself.  That's it.  Myself.

I do not owe you, or anyone else an explanation.

You?  Person I don't know very well?  Or maybe even person I do know well.  I will not explain to you why I am making the choices I am.  I've learned that opinions should be regarded like shoes.  Check them out, perhaps nod and then move on.  Do.  Not.  Put.  Stock.  Into either shoes or opinions.  Both will come and go, and pass you by, and neither will have any bearing on your life.

I am very close to having my day.  I will be uncomfortable.  I will have some difficult days leading up to.  This is the sprint though.  This is the part where I leave it all out there.  No more saving it.  This is the time to empty the tank.  I did not come this far to only come this far.  My hope is that I will have this memory forever.  There will be photos that will baffle me.  I'm positive there will be bloopers pics too that shall  never be released for other human eyes!  This has been such an emotional ride, and the closer I get, the more I can feel the doubt.  The wishers-that-I-fail-'ers.  It's hard to know that there are people who want to see you fall.  Waiting for it, even.  But my goal this year is that I will not worry about other people.  I will have such strong faith in myself and my abilities, that I won't have the peripheral vision, even, to notice the peanut gallery.

Transformation game is strong, and it's just barely 2018.