Friday 24 March 2017

Junkie

Food addiction.
Binge eating.

It's difficult for me to even write those things, and yet, terms like this have defined me for much of a my life, almost 30 years, in a closeted kind of way.

Do you think that as an alcoholic is heavy within the clutches of the addiction, that they are telling people that they're an addict?  How about a drug user?  I'm quite sure it's not until any kind of addict seeks sobriety, will they be open to calling themselves an addict.

I had a very difficult day the other day.  For no particular reason, was it a bad day.  Just a few, little things, that got to me in a way that was not proportionate to their gravity.

It was so bad, that I reached out to my nutrition coach, to ask her if the urge to binge ever goes away.
In one moment of that day, I felt overwhelmed with the desire to make myself feel better with food.

This has been my cycle, to some degree, for almost as long as I can remember.  I have medicated myself with food, just as an addict would with wine, or prescription drugs, or gambling.
We have a "crutch", to help us get through the crap parts of life, and sometimes, a lot of times, I would even say, this crutch is simply an addiction that we haven't faced yet.

I remember making a bowl of raw cookie dough and eating the entire thing.  I would take a bag of cookies out of the pantry and eat the entire thing.  Oreos were my choice, if given one.  I also remember shaving bits off of a cake, in the hopes that maybe no one would notice that 1/3 of it had been eaten.  It filled the hole.  It made me feel so comforted and almost euphoric, for a moment.
I still know this feeling.  I remember.

I worked through my moment of weakness.  I did not binge.  I stuck to my planned macros, and I felt so very accomplished at the end of that day.

I am working on sobriety.  Isn't that an interesting way to think about it?
I am trying very, very hard to stay sober from binge eating.

I realize that there are people who binge a lot more, or more frequently than myself.  I also know that there are alcoholics who can put down a flat of beer and a couple of two sixes a day, and others who are drinking a bottle of wine every evening.

Potato, po-tah-toe.  Addiction is addiction.

In my mind, on that day, I was simply facing some demons.  Sobriety is hard.  Stopping a food addiction cycle is hard because food is required to live.  Moscato, not so much.

For a lot of my life, though, I was living to eat.  I mean, really living in the anticipation of what I was going to eat next.
I still do, but now there is thought behind what's coming next and I feel good afterwards, instead of guilty and remorseful.

I wondered if I should even post something about this day and this light bulb moment for me, but then, just like many of my posts, I remembered that there is almost certainly someone struggling or dealing with the exact thing I was that day.
I have never gone to a self help meeting.
I have sought help, but it was in the form of therapy and now my phenomenal nutrition coach.

Addiction can be overwhelming. Gripping.  It can be stifling and suffocating.
I knew I needed to get past that moment, but I wasn't sure how.

I'm sure I will still have these feelings.  I'm sure they'll always creep up when I'm feeling weak.  I'm also sure that as I learn about myself, and my triggers and that I am abso-freaking-lutely deserving of everything I work for, that I will be able to stamp them out with more and more ease and resolution.

I feel strong today, and I am so proud that on that day I was able to do the right thing, and reach out to my support, instead of burying myself in a box of timbits.

Progress...sometimes bit, sometimes small.  But always getting better.






Thursday 9 March 2017

A Few Things About Me

I'm never sure how many people actually read my blog, and I write it more so I have a story to pass along to my kids, and their kids, but today I thought I'd randomize it!

I'm also not sure how much "story" I've ever shared, and so I thought I'd share an entire post about me, and a bit about how I've ended up here.

A few things you might not know about me?  Maybe you do?  I love to eat.  I do.  I'm usually thinking about eating WHILE I'm eating.  I equally love to lift weight and move my bod, but that hasn't always been a good balance!

Good, nice hotels are one of my favorite things in the world.
Falling into a perfectly made, all white bed is my heaven!  Add some food, in bed, and now we're talkin'!

I will forever and always be an optimist.  I like to think that I will try to find the good in any situation, though I might find anger and frustration along the way, too!


I am also an introvert.  My most comfortable place is my home, with my people.  And that's it.  I struggle hard to be a scheduled, organized, play date Mom, and fail, usually.  That being said, I also love the group atmosphere of the gym, which is a little weird!  The people there are like family,so it wasn't awkward for long!

I have almost always been involved in sports in some way.
I swam competitively until I was 15.  My events were always distance.  I have been built for endurance my entire life!
I played almost every sport in High School, and to this day, many of my favorite people are from those days!

I played on the senior volleyball team when I was in grade 11.  But was cut for my grade 12 year, and that is still a painful memory for me.

I have been in love three times.  I have had my heart pulverized once. 
When I met my husband, I thought we were going to have so much fun, and then by summers end, be done.  He continues to break the rules and though I don't believe in soulmates, he is my best friend and our relationship is one of my greatest accomplishments.

I don't have a flying clue how to do hair or makeup, and I would really like to learn!  Takers??

I have a degree in Lab Science, and of four years of mainly science classes, my best grade was in English!

One of my greatest fears is letting go of my children.  What if I've failed them in some fundamental way?  What if something happens to them?  What if people are mean to them, and they are too soft to handle it?  I waste a fair amount of time worrying about silly things, but for the most part, I'm a chilled out person.  Those "what if's?" can be all encompassing, though, hey?

I am messy and disorganized and I like to fly by the seat of my pants.  I do not live and breathe by a calendar. I feel that this can be frustrating to the people in my life, sometimes!

My Mom and I have complimentary tattoos.  I also have a big piece on my back, and I'm pining for another one from a different artist.  All are done by girl artists.

I have never, and would never classify my body as skinny, or small.  I have battled with my weight for as long as I can remember.
Much of this blog is about my most recent years, and also most successful.  With age comes wisdom, or something like that.  Also, I don't give a flying eff what anyone thinks of my body anymore.  This has been SO liberating!

I am a runner.  My one true passion is running.  I cannot wait to run races with my kids!
I have run 13 half marathons and 2 full marathons.  Nothing has shaped me, or taught me more about life, than running.

I am only now at a place in my life where I do not worry about food, and about what will happen if I fail.  I'm not failing.  I won't fail.  It's up to me, but it's not scary or stressful anymore.  I have been overweight my entire life.  Sometimes as much as 80lbs - not pregnant.  I have gained and lost a mitful of times, but I wouldn't categorize myself as a "yo yo dieter", as I've never been at a goal weight long enough!  I tend to just stay overweight, to varying degrees.

I can't even say, "this time is different!", or, "this time will be the last time!", because truly, this time doesn't feel like some path I'm trudging down to get to a terrifying and unknown destination. This time doesn't feel like I'm going through one set of motions in the hope that once I "arrive", I will then switch to another set, with a sigh of relief.  All I'm doing is being consistent, accountable and planning a little bit, and as a nice result, I happen to be transforming my body.  This time I'm not frightened.