God Bless the Swiffer SweeperVac

I've used this gem of an appliance three times today already.
It's currently 9:43am.

In real life I use the swiffer once or twice a day and in pregnant life I use it more.  As in, 10x as much.
It really, truly is a gift.
I think that if social services is ever called to a home, they should bring along a swiffer, give the house a quick once-over and then assess the situation.
I bet 9 times out of 10 they would just carry on...

So, in my life before children I owned a swiffer and broke it out on the rare occasion that there was a mess on the floor worthy of taking care of.
Now that they're here, like I mentioned before, this device saves my sanity. All.  Friggin'.  Day. Long.

I never dreamed and longed to be a Mother.
I know that loads of gals out there have wanted to get married and have children for as long as they can remember, but I was never one of them.
That's not to say I'm not extraordinarily grateful for my little people, because I really, really am - even as one empties the water bottle cupboard and then moves onto the tea towel drawer - I am so proud to be their Mom, and I know that we are blessed.
It's just that I'm not the kind of Mom who pays attention to the details.
There.  I said it.
Admitting it is the first step, no?

I've never paid attention to the details.
We get through the day.  Alive.  You can't ask any more of me.  Seriously.

Having children was something I assumed would happen for me, and yet getting married was definitely not something I wanted to do.
And even then, I was cool knowing that I might be a labrador-loving spinster who travelled the globe and worked out and ran.  A lot.  (There are days I think this life sounds awesome.  But not many.)

The fact that we are going to add a third child to our family not only makes us a family with a couple of kids, it makes us a family with a bunch of kids.
*sigh*

It's both exciting and overwhelming at the same time.

Add to all of this emotion a step on the scale this morning, and that step might as well have been over the "hopeless" cliff.
*double sigh*

I have to whip myself back to reality by reminding myself that I weighed more before Ellie was conceived than I do today, however I worked my a$& off to get to where I was and I can't help but know that once this baby is born, I will have a ton of work to do.
*triple sigh...oh hell, I've lost count of how many times I've actually sighed today...

Until then, I'm going to drink some water to avoid eating another a mid-morning nanaimo bar, and listen to the blessed sounds of my children fighting.

You can't see, because I cropped it out, but they're in bare feet.
No shoes.  That would be a detail.
Cute as buttons though, right?!

Monkey Wrench

I've been absent.  Non-existent.  Delinquent, if you will.
But, I have a good reason.  The BEST reason, perhaps.
I'm par-egnant!
A.G.A.I.N.

From day one, I nicknamed this tiny, precious human being, monkey wrench.
Day one, which also happened to be the day I ran my best half marathon ever and clocked a 2:02 time (heartbreaking, although it was a personal best), may very well go down as one of the most emotional days of my life.
Add a huge personal victory, a beautiful and memorable race, and the fact that I learned that we were going to be a five-some, and you would have relived that day.

I will not be running in the Goofy race this year because I will be around 24 weeks pregnant, and that would be toats cray cray, however I have the option to defer my race fees until 2015, and I will be doing the race then - 6 months post babe.  So, send me lots of good, healthy running vibes because the summer and fall of 2014 will be PACKED with running!

"But, you were trying to get pregnant?"
No.
"So, why did you even check?"
I was going to have an x-ray done of my ankle after I'd run the race because it was aggravated.
"Hm."

This is how my first midwife appointment went.

Was this baby planned?
Nope.
Wanted?
Absolutely, positively and in the most incredible and awe-inspiring way.

Now, what happens to the average person during the first few months of pregnancy?
They generally feel awful and just get to "be" pregnant.

Me?
No, no, no, no, no.
I.  Pack.  It.  On.

A positive sign truly equals 10lbs for me.

And I'm up a few from there...

Actually, at this very moment I'm wearing my new crossfit kicks as I dive into my second cookie.
No joke.

I'm still getting exercise.  Not the running sort, because as I previously mentioned, I buggered my ankle to the point of why-bother-rehabilitating-if-I'm-going-to-be-a-heffer-soon, but I'm getting my butt to crossfit at least twice a week, so long as I'm not exhausted or fighting a 6-week cold.
My weight isn't going to climb into the 60+lb gain, as it did with Audrey, but closer to the 30, er, 40lb range as with Ellie.

I'm strangely the most comfortable with this that I've ever been during any of my pregnancies.
(It is STILL shocking to me that I am referring to my TWO previous pregnancies in comparison to this one!  Like, who DOES that?!?!  Three kids?!?!  Well, *sigh*, we do...)

I am going to exercise and eat the treats and feel good without worrying about the weight.
It will come off.

And then, when my minions, I mean, children are a little older, I'm going to set my sights on even bigger, loftier goals.
Because what's the point if we're not reaching beyond our grasp?

Summertime!

We have had a crazy fun and busy summer so my blogging has fallen to the wayside.

Life is happening and we are making memories!

We have had a great summer.  We have spent time with family, we have gone on a road trip or two and we have been able to enjoy some lazy summer days, because if you ask anyone in the prairie provinces of Canada, it's been kind of a crummy, cold summer!

We went for Japanese one day and had so much fun
"corralling" Ellie with the legless seat backs!

I had created goals for myself at the beginning of the summer and I have met and exceeded all of them except for one.

I did not compete in the Devon triathlon.  I decided that I hadn't put in enough time in the pool and so I wasn't ready.  I beat myself up a bit over it, because as anyone who creates goals can tell you, when you don't complete something you've set out to do, it can be a little disheartening.

The fact of the matter was, I hadn't made triathlon training a priority.

I have made running a priority, however, and my hard work and kilometers logged allowed me to run a personal best time at the Moose is Loose and I came in with a 2:07:45.

I cried a little, as I always do when I achieve a PB time, and then my thoughts immediately drifted into the logistics and timing that would be needed to run a sub 2 hour half in the Edmonton marathon.

Well, here it is.

Six days away from the Edmonton Derby marathon and I'm nervous.  

I'm nervous that I won't prep well, or feel good, or that I'll have to pee (legit concern!) and my time will be around a 2:02 or 2:05 and then I'll be crying for another reason.

I know, without a doubt that I can run a 2 hour, actually, 1:59:59, half marathon, but I also know my body, and I don't want to risk injury or extreme exhaustion for the sake of a time.

I'm stretching.
On the couch.
Because I had to still be a Mom, even though I couldn't hardly walk!

I have said it before, and I will say it again now.  

Running is a part of who I am.

I am happy when I'm running.

This nagging ankle injury could very well be the worst thing to ever happen to me.
In the grande scheme, it's petty.
But it is still significant in the life of an athlete.

I met with a sports medicine physician at the University of Alberta last month who basically said that the injury I've been told I have all along, by my family physician and physiotherapist, is in fact, not at all the injury that is plaguing me currently.
Sinus tarsi syndrome.  At least it's nice to put a name to it!
The injury I have that will not release it's grasp, is an inflammation of the space behind all the ligaments I've previously injured.
I don't know the anatomy or physiology of this injury, and it's irrelevant anyways, because bottom line is I've got an appointment for a cortisone shot in early September.
This.  Is.  A.  Big.  deal.

Cortisone.
Steroids.
What I've tried to avoid at all costs.

I'm still not even sure I'm going to go through with it because I feel like it could be a make or break (no pun intended) kind of decision.
Time will tell and in the in-between-time I've got another half marathon to run, so I'll post again after this brief and cold summer is over.

We spent many days on the beach, the monkey girls and their Dad and I.
Good times!  We LOVE the lake!

When You're Ready Come & Get It

Thanks to Miss Selena G, I've adopted this as my new running mantra.

When you're ready.  It's there.  Waiting for you.
What is?
Everything and anything you ever dreamed.

One of my favorite Mumford & Sons songs was playing.
I was just cresting a long, but gradual incline, and I could barely see my loose fists pumping, rhythmically.
Right, left, right, left.
My legs were answering, strong and powerful, in opposite rhythm.
Left, right, left, right.
I glanced at my watch.
14.41km.
My last split was a 6:47km, so I was putting on the gas a little bit, shooting for 6 minute kilometres for my last 4.
The song begins to crescendo and I can feel the smile start across my face, because this, this is perfection.
I turn the corner onto the busy highway and I know I'm on the home stretch.
My smile grows bigger as my Selena song comes on.
I'm ready and I'm pouncing on it.
I am a runner, and I AM a distance runner.

It's around noon on a Sunday and I'm just out for an 18km run.
No biggie.
Seriously.

In just a few short years, I am able to run a half marathon a month.
And also keep up with bi-weekly crossfit classes and a handful of bike rides every week.

When you're ready come and get it.
I am so loving this right now because it represents so much for me.
To me, it means that we can all be whatever we dream to be.
It is up to us, and no one else.
It's up to you to go and get it, to become it.
Triathlete?  Train for it.  Register.  Do it.
Want to be fit and healthy?  Find something.  Anything.  And go do it.  Get up and go.  And.  Do.  It.
Aspire to change careers?  Be courageous and find a way to make it happen.
It is so simple and it's all right there in front of you.

As I finished up my last kilometre, which happened to be my fastest, at 5:15, because I REALLY poured it on, I felt like at that moment in the universe, I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing.  Running.
I realized that I probably could have held a faster pace, more consistently, but really, it was a great run, on an absolutely amazing day and I knew I had come a long way.

An 18km run isn't a huge feat for me anymore, and I need to aim higher.

And that's what I'm doing.

Goofy, you and I have date on January 11 & 12, 2014.
Bring it on.
I'm ready for it all.

Goodbye 31

At the bottom of this post is a link for a song.

Do yourself a favor and click on it so it can play while you read this post about how grateful I am for my life.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with this post, but it's a picker-upper and it will surely make you smile!

Today is my 32nd birthday.

And what do I have to show for it?

Everything.

Not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that this would be the life I would be living at 32 years old.

I am married to a man who is my perfect match.  Who encourages and supports me while I dream crazy big dreams and register for "goofy" and spectacular races.  Who thinks I'm beautiful at all the different sizes I've been during our time together.  Who is the most incredible Daddy to two of the coolest broads I've ever known.  And who I know loves me.  Unconditionally.

Even when I'm not-so-lovable.

I have a billion dollar family.

By traditional standards, we don't have the "million dollar family", but we do have a billion dollar family.

What does that mean?

It means that we are perfect just as we are.  Our girls are perfect (mostly).  Our family is perfect (generally). And our life is as close to perfect as can be.

And we could live forever with nothing but the clothes on our backs and each other and be the happiest people on the planet.

Not only do we have a pretty perfect (did I mention that before?) family, but our extended family is pretty phenomenal as well.

We have two sets of parents who support us and want to spend as much time as possible with our girls and we've got siblings who are nearly as cool as us.  ;)

We also have Aunts and Uncles who are like second sets of parents to us and we have grandparents who have always tried to give us the world.

We really are a lucky bunch.

My Dad and I competed in our first triathlon on Father's Day.

It was a sprint distance which included a 750m open water swim, a double loop 20km bike and another double loop 5km run.

It was one of the best racing experiences of my life.

I was shocked at how I was able to endure and how I felt like a real athlete in my tri wetsuit.

(I finished 16th overall in the swim and I am so proud of that!)

Isn't it cool that I get to share in so many race experiences with my Dad?

We're done!
And we're still wearing our ever-forgiving tri suits!  (NOTE:sarcasm)

So, on this day, my 32nd birthday, that I am treating as a Thanksgiving day, I am grateful.
I have great family, friends and a very hard fought, but battle won, for my health.
This has been the best year of my life and to everyone who was involved in all of my victories and challenges overcome, thank you.
This entire year would not have been possible without you and although many of my 32 years have come and gone with not much to show, this year will always be close to my heart and a memorable one.

These girls are so friggin' cool!
So glad we get to be roomies!

Gone gone gone

The Big Relay

Today, I have not eaten clean.
Like, if there were an opposite of clean eating, today would be the picture beside it in the dictionary.
I say this as I lick the fake cheese-like-substance that coats a deep fried corn flavoured chip that I am repeatedly reaching for out of a yellow label bag.
Yes, folks, these are no name brand chips, at that.

I'm sure you're wondering what else I had for lunch.
Fret not.
It was balanced.
With a handful of m&m's.

I will not feel guilty about this day though, because it was most definitely a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and there is always food at a good pity party.

I also went to crossfit this morning and sweated my ass off.
So if you're wondering where the calories went that I burned off between the hours of 7 and 8am this morning?
I ate them.
Already.

Now, for the purpose of this post.
Last weekend, I participated in a relay race that started in Banff,AB and ended in Jasper,AB.
There were 15 runners total, running legs anywhere from 14 to 19+km.
This is not a race for the faint of heart.
It's a road race and it never leaves the boundaries of a mountainous National Park, so you can imagine, there's a hill or two.
We ran this race to raise funds for Brain Cancer research.  We also ran to celebrate a relative who was taken far too young as a result of this disease.
I think we succeeded in both.
Our team consisted of brand-newbies, one of which was informed on Thursday before the Saturday race that he would be running 16km,  (thanks Tyler!) as well as long-time veteran runners, (thanks John!), and everything in between.

It was a beautiful day and the energy surrounding the race was palpable.
Our team ran, that is, travelled from Banff to Jasper, every single step, on foot.
I'm pretty damn proud of us!

It was probably my best run, ever, and also a personal best as I ran 19.2km in 1:57.
And I am JONES-ING to do a half so I can prove to myself that I can do a sub 2 hour race!!

Now, I'm not going to let this entire day be a bust as far as my nutrition goes, so I'd better go eat a banana or something to help soak up the cheese coloured flavoured snack...

Not every day can be squeaky clean.  I'm human and I cave.
Some days are like that.
Even in Australia.

I really am  happiest when I'm running.
And when I'm with my family.  Yeah.

The Value of Beauty

Are you like me?

Do you really have no idea how your beauty compares to others?

I have absolutely no problem, whatsoever praising my children and seeing their stunning beauty, but when it comes to myself, I'm my own, personal, #1, hardcore critic.

I think most people are their own worst critic, and although we can recognize that, we are unable to change it.

Maybe for a day or two we can consciously see our own beauty, both inside and out, but it doesn't take long for the old, negative self doubts to creep into our innocent minds.

I realize that physical beauty isn't anywhere near as important or valuable as our spiritual and emotional beauty, but there is no denying the fact that our appearance has grips on so many aspects of our lives.

The biggest, and most important decision of our lives, choosing our partner, is initially based solely upon one another's outward appearance.

Don't even try to deny it!

We are first attracted to our significant other's beauty, and then we are able to fall in love with all the other bits.

Now that we've got two little girls, I feel it's important that I not only take careful steps to reign in my own lousy self-esteem in regards to my weight, but also to my appearance.

Do they need to see me scrutinizing every wrinkle?  Is my nose too fat?  Does this shirt hide my muffin top?  Am I pretty?

Who frickin' cares!

They certainly don't, and I've got much better things to do than teach them how to hate themselves.

For a very long time (at least I hope!), my girls will think that I'm the most beautiful person in the world.

I may not believe this to be true, and, of course, it's not, but fake it til you make it, right?

My older gal likes to play with my hair, and I've held off cutting the whole lot of it off, because I adore this.

Our children will look at our faces, and have nothing but an innocent, confident smile.  A genuine, all-knowing, smile.

They love us, and they don't know any better.

We.  Are.  Beautiful.

I will never tire of looking at these
two gorgeous faces!

Is it good for them to hear us criticize ourselves?
No.
Is it good for their hearts to know that their mother or father thinks that they're ugly?
No.  Because one day, they will learn that they are created in their parents likeness, and they will let those same mental recordings start to happen in their own beautiful little brains.
I cannot let this happen.

So, what is the value of beauty?
In my opinion, it's whatever you make of it.
Do you think you're beautiful?
Like I said earlier, I have no idea how I compare to the rest of the world, but comparing myself to others is about as effective as, well, it's just not.  And I'm far too lazy to spend time on that anyways!
Is it important?
Yes.
How important?
Well, that's up to you and I.

She loves to hang out in the carrier.
Who needs a double stroller anyhow?!

Summer 2013

Running, biking, swimming, crossfit-ing and dreaming of adding a yoga class to my schedule.
This is a typical week.
Yep.  In one week I must fit in one bike, one swim, one crossfit class and two or three runs.
Up until last week, I was also going to one physio appointment every week.
It almost sounds like a recipe, doesn't it?
Add, five or six workouts and a physio or yoga session, subtract equal amounts of family time, also subtract date nights and any semblance of a social life and you will have one awesome  race-filled summer.

Well, I'll tell ya in September if it was an awesome summer!

On my current agenda, I've got planned:
A 19.1km leg of the Banff to Jasper relay
The Summerside sprint triathlon
Color me Rad 5km
The Moose is Loose half marathon
The Devon sprint triathlon
The Derby Edmonton half marathon  The Derby Edmonton full marathon
The Barrhead Queen of Hearts triathlon
Melissa's Road Race half marathon

And all of this will be followed up with a heavy running-only training schedule to get ready for the Goofy race in January.
I have never, ever in my life planned to (and I know I'll finish all of these races!) compete in so many races.  The financial investment is enough to ensure my rear gets to the start line, which, in turn, ensures I will get to the finish line.

Now, for the interesting part.

Goals.

I'm not just planning to run and triathlon my way through the summer, but I plan to end with two PRs, or personal records.
I am going to run a sub 2 hour half marathon, and I'm sure that the Derby will be the race to do it.
REVISION  Since I've decided to do the Edmonton full, then the Moose is Loose is my ONLY opportunity to do a sub 2.  *breathe in, breathe out, breathe in...*
I'm also planning to have two improved times on my sprint triathlons.  The second being faster than the first, and the third being faster than the second.
Those are my goals. 
If your dreams aren't big enough to scare you...right?!
Heard that before?!
Well I'm not scared of any of the races I'm doing this summer, but I am a little scared for this Goofy race.
63.3km over two days.
This race scares me because the last time I trained for a marathon (and only a marathon, not a marathon and a half!) I injured myself so badly that it took over two years for me to do another half marathon.
For a runner, that's a huge, huge setback.

I was productive, though.
I had a baby.

My get-ankle-ready strategy includes as-needed physio with my fantastic therapist, who also happens to be an ironman athlete, and crossfit.  Loads of dynamic moves and one-foot jumping.  This damn ankle has no choice but to comply!!

I've also got an appointment to see a Naturopath about Prolotherapy.
My physiotherapist suggested it to help strengthen and rehabilitate this bum ankle that continues to plague me.
I've done my research and found a clinic, so we'll see in June if this stuff is hulabaloo, or if it's going to help me.

I have a feeling 60+ less pounds on this body of mine is going to help in preventing injury.  ;)

The most unfortunate part about this summer is that I've had to give up my twice weekly bootcamp classes.  I just can't fit in these classes and my work schedule includes shift and so that makes it hard to get to these classes.
I'm planning to return in the fall, and I'm also hoping to continue with crossfit as they both bring a different dynamic to my fitness regime.

GAWRSH I love working out!
(I'm channeling goofy.  Did ya get that?)

Preschool?!

This evening I will wait in line to register my daughter for preschool.
Is it just me, or does every Mom feel like they're an imposter?
My oldest gal is almost 3.5 years old and it still feels strange to type a sentence like the opener.
I have a daughter?  Actually, I have two!  Now that, my friends, is still unbelievable.
Two little people are fully dependent on Blake and I.
I can't even keep plants alive.
You can breathe out now.  My children are fine.

Back to the school thing.
Vitamin A is so, so ready for school!
We visited Nana and Papa K, Auntie and Uncle K and Great Aunt and Uncle C last week.
Actually, truthfully, we went to snuggle with brand new baby Hailey.  (Love you guys too!)
She is so sweet and lovely and I couldn't love her more!  Great job Garth and Mel!

While we visited, the girls and I went to Nana's school.
Audrey absolutely adores Nana's school!  She loves the kids, she loves playing and she really just loves everything about it!
She was sitting at her desk, chatting with the kids and carpet and put up her hand when asked if she had packed her math homework.
She is so, so ready for preschool in the Fall, but I'm not sure I am.
I feel like the older she gets, the cooler she gets, and the more time I want to spend with her.
How selfish, right?
I totally get why people homeschool their kids.
They're selfish.   ;)

Audrey's speech is improving in leaps and bounds.  Basically, she will climb up to a seat at the table, where we're seated, and say, "OK.  Guys.  What are we doing today?".
Clear as a bell.
And it friggin' cracks me up everytime.
Not everything she says is appropriate though.  Really, though, what toddler is entirely appropriate?
Ellie is a crazy vocal kid, and she can talk the ear off anyone, so Vitamin A has started addressing this.
"Shut your piehole, Ellie!".
This is a problem.
Just try not to laugh at that, though!

Not only has Ellie really found her voice, but she's become a crawling beast!
She pulled herself by her arm and pushed with her power toes for a long time, in a zombie-like fashion, but one day, a couple weeks ago, she figured out how fast she could move by crawling and hasn't looked back!
Her older sister never, ever crawled, so this all took some adjusting to!
Our house never had to be baby-proofed!

Ellie will be 11 months old in 6 days and still doesn't have a tooth!
That doesn't mean she can't take down a half a chicken breast though!  That girl can eat!
She out-eats her older sister!

All these milestones being met, moved on from, makes my gut ache.
I really, really want them to stop growing.
It pains me as much as it makes my heart swell, and I feel like these emotions are at the root of motherhood.
Becoming a Mother (or Father!), brings so many unknowns.  Constant change.
Do we every really know what we're doing?
How many children does one have before they're considered an expert?
IS there such a thing as an expert in Motherhood?

Caught in moment of weakness.
Playing with her sister!

The Cost of Weight Loss

First things first.
Yesterday was the Boston marathon and would have been a regular running event, had it not been for the waste-of-skin-douchebag(s) who planted bombs and in effect, caused pain and suffering for hundreds of families.
Are we safe nowhere?
The Boston marathon.  Probably the most famous running event in the world, and a race for the elite, as you must qualify (I would need to run a 3:35 marathon - *choke) and also be chosen from a lottery, as there really are THAT many people who qualify.  The Boston marathon.  And instead of it being a joyous day, filled with victories and successes, it was marked by a terrorist attack.
But the running community, and the world, are strong, and resilient, and will bounce back and not let this tragedy become a defining moment, but rather a day to remember victims but also to continue to run this race and create everlasting, happy memories.

On to the seemingly petty subject of this post.
Though yesterday's events eclipse any of today, I think it's important to talk about the little things because it helps us to move on, and focus on the mundane, yet happy moments that occur everyday.

Weight loss is such an incredible journey, and I feel so fortunate to have had so much success and continued motivation to reach my goals.
BUT...
I'm finding that my budget is taking a big hit in order to replace my old wardrobe.
If you consider, for a moment, I need to replace almost everything.
Many people have a second wardrobe from when they were a small size, but I've never been this size in my adult life, so had I kept some of the clothes from high school (which was 15 years ago - um, what?!?!), I would be able to fit those clothes.
I must replace underwear, workout gear, jeans, shirts, summer wear, coats and swimsuits.
Basically, I can still fit into my pajamas.
I also think it's important to get rid of the old clothes, because (as I'm sure everyone knows!) it's so very easy to slip back into old habits, grab an old, larger pair of jeans, and carry on.
If this isn't an option, then one has no choice but to be accountable to one's wardrobe.

In addition to the cost of shopping - and I know many would think, "what the HELL is she complaining for!" I started thinking about the cost of weight loss, in itself.
If I start thinking about how much I've spent in my lifetime on gym memberships, fitness classes, workout gear, running shoes, sports leagues, etc.,  I could come up with a rather large number.
Do I consider any of that expenditure in waste?
Nope.
Not even a little bit.
I've never been that gal who signs up for a gym membership, pays the $30 or $40 or $50 monthly fee, only to not spend a single moment at the gym.
I've always, always, found the value in money spent on my fitness and health.
And you should too.
Do you have a gym membership you don't use?  Do you pay for yoga classes you don't attend?
If it's not something you like to do, then don't do it!  But find something else that you do enjoy so that you can easily take care of your body, because at the end of the day, health is on the very short list of things in life that truly matter.

Taking care of our health is so very important, and if the government offered tax breaks, or subsidized the means by which we have to look after our bodies, then maybe more people would do it.
Is it not proactive to gain and maintain health and fitness, rather than lean on our healthcare system when our bodies fail us?
Will we never learn?

Their Chariot Awaits!

*Revised to give props*
So, before I delve into this post, I thought I'd share with you my results from the 12(ish) week challenge I just took part in.
This was strictly a nutrition challenge done through my bootcamp, BMS Bootcamps, and although near the beginning I was training for a half marathon, for the most part I exercised regularly.  That shows ya how important nutrition is!!
Starting on January 21 and ending on March 28, so more like around 10 weeks, I lost 19.4lbs and almost 16.5"!
I did not win a prize, but I absolutely, without a doubt, unequivocally won.
This weight loss journey has been very different for me in that I have not yet felt "done", and I still do not.
Too often, I get comfortable, and feel pretty good about myself and decide to live at that weight, although I know I'm capable of much more.
I have encountered hurdles and obstacles almost daily, and yet I have been able to see past them, to the end goal, in order to be able to persevere.
I'd like to lose 10 more pounds, but ultimately I'd like to leave 20 more behind.  I know that 10 is easily (HA!) achievable, but 10 beyond that will be extra challenging.  I can do this.

Here are some pictures of my journey, and I will admit that the "before" picture was taken in late December and I thought I looked pretty darn good, so with 20 less pounds I think I'm doing alright!

This Saying is SO SO true!  LOVED doing those
blasted ropes!

I stayed very diligent, and although I had a couple of quittin' kinda weeks, I never gained, and I've learned so much about myself and I've discovered that I really, truly LOVE to exercise!  So, on a recent visit to Fort McMurray, I crashed a cross fit type class.
I'm including a picture taken by the fabulous trainer, Kelly Pollard who runs these classes at her gym called Ultimate Sculpting and I was so lucky to get the chance to train with her again while we were visiting.  She snapped a pic of me doing the ropes and I didn't even know she'd taken the photo, because I was SO focused - and you can kinda tell!

So with this new physique comes a new appreciation and even MORE love for running!  I've set my sights on the Walt Disney World marathon for January 2014, so I will be a busy gal training for several halfs, a couple triathlons and then my second full marathon!

When we learned we were to welcome a second little person, my husband and I invested (and that's definitely what we did!  INVEST!) in a Chariot Cougar2.  It's a fabulous stroller and the only double one we own.  We've used it for pulling behind the bike, in the mall and just out for walks with the girls, but I had not taken it out for a run.

I had planned a long run one evening last week when my husband got home from work, and because of a miscommunication, my plans had to be modified.  I had yet to take the girls out running in the double stroller, mostly out of fear, and so I strapped them in, gave them snacks and lots of blankets and set out for a short run. I had given myself the slack to run 5.5km, instead of the 8 I had planned.  I quickly realized that pushing the girls really wasn't as difficult as I'd thought and did the entire 8 I had originally intended to do - only around 4 minutes slower than my non-stroller-pushing time!

Since discovering how easy it is to take the girls along with me for my runs, I've taken them 4 times in the last 6 days!  They love it, I love it and it gives me a little extra challenge - especially up the hills!  PLUS, as a bonus, they are sleeping really well at night!

So, I leave for you a mess (literally - I'm so computer stunned it's not even funny!) of pictures with captions to try and explain what the deuce is going on!

Next time I write, I'll be several pounds less!!

www.bmsbootcamps.com
www.ultimatesculpting.com

BEFORE
December 2012

Taking my monkey girls out for a run!
Look how cozy that little pod looks!

AFTER
March 2013

Step In Line

We all currently know someone who is on their weightloss journey.
At any given point in my life I know someone who was on theirs.
This time, it's my turn.
I'm always excited for someone who has found their success, their winning combination.
A part of me is always jealous, because, of course, I would like to be in their shoes, but ultimately, I am thrilled that someone I know is finding a new, healthy way to live.

When it becomes apparent that you are, in fact, the one who has discovered your own, personal way to shed the weight, it seems a bit surreal and you find that you still view yourself as the "old" you.
I recently went shopping to buy some new jeans and the lovely sales gal brought nine pairs of jeans for me to try on!  NINE!  She didn't know I loathe shopping, I guess.
I tried on about 6 of the pairs.  That was enough for me!  And each time I held up those jeans and thought to myself, there is no flippin' way these are going to fit me!  And each time, they did!
This time, it's my turn.

I purchased a very nice, but expensive, pair of jeans and a new (medium!?) shirt, which, shockingly, also fit me!  I've decided that I work too hard on my body to live in crappy clothes.  At this point, I want to show off my body, because I have worked my whole life for this.  I really have!  I was on Weight Watchers when I was nine years old!
I also need to learn to reward myself with things like clothing because all too often I would reward myself for having a great week and losing a pound, or two - with a treat!  (What!?)  So backwards!  1000 calories is roughly a third of a pound and trust me, it's not hard to consume 1000 calories!

Today, I am 11 pounds away from a very maintainable goal weight and I am so prepared for the challenges I will face as I battle the last 10 pounds.  I may, or may not have to change up my diet.  I may, or may not have to increase the intensity/duration/frequency of my workouts and I may, or may not have to lean on my support system more than ever.
But this time, it's my turn.

If you are reading this and you are contemplating starting your own weightloss journey, then you have begun.  If you jumped in with both feet in January and now you're finding your interest has faded, you're bored, or you didn't see the results.  Remember, it will come off the exact way it was put on.  One pound at a time.  Don't stop.  Step in line, this time.
Because this time, it's your turn.

A Look Inside

I want to give a glimpse of what the "inside" looks like.
What it looks, or actually, feels like to be a size 16.
I won't pretend that this makes me any kind of plus-size expert, but I do know what I feel like felt like as a size 16, 14, 12...

I've always been so envious of the people who don't have to struggle work at maintaining their physique.  The people who can eat whatever they like and not gain weight.  Or the people who can go to the gym for 90 days, or whatever the programs promote, and come out the other side with muscle definition.
I am fully aware that I will never, ever, ever be one of these people.  For the rest of my life I will have to watch what I eat and exercise.  A lot.  Exercise a lot.  Like 4 or 5 times a week.  Which is why training for various events is so good for me.  It tricks me into thinking that my workouts have a bigger purpose beyond changing and maintaining my physical appearance. (Which they do, of course!  It's simply much easier to know that there's an end goal and not just week after week of workouts - forever, and ever, and ever...)
The fact that I get to struggle with my weight is actually a blessing.
At least I am healthy enough to take on the challenge!

Anyways, I digress as the topic of this post is actually about what it's like to weigh 200+ lbs.

I have spent the majority of my adult life weighing more than 200lbs.  Like most, I've managed to take off pounds once in awhile and bring that magic number below 200, but often its just below and I've not been able to maintain that.  (Maintenance of weight loss is probably my number one fear, BTW.  But that's a topic I'll explore another time!).
When I was 222lbs (my ACTUAL magic number.  It seems my scale can quite comfortably stop and stay on this number!), I never felt "fat".  I've always felt good in my skin because I've always exercised and eaten well.  I've also always been surrounded by people who are crazy supportive and have always told me I look good.
But what is it really like to reach to the backs of the racks to find your size, if they even have sizes that go that large?
What is it really like to wake up every morning, starting with getting out of bed, and have almost every activity (putting on socks, tying shoes, picking up a loonie, getting into your vehicle...) cause exertion?
What is it really like to hold up your jeans and feel actual, genuine fear that they will not fit, or that you will have such a horrific muffin-top that your next step will be to find a top that will camouflage this?
What is it like?
It's kind of awful.

I say that I never felt fat, and I didn't.  However, I was constantly reminded of how my weight was affecting every single aspect of my day-to-day life.  Why should I be out of breath walking up seven steps?  Why should I be out of breath climbing seven steps when I was in the midst of training for a half marathon!?
It feels awful to be walking with someone and catch a glimpse of your shadow and realize what a vast difference there is between the two of you.
It feels awful to try and "squeeze" past something or someone and realize that no amount of sucking-in will allow you through.
It feels awful to be at a hockey game and know that if your team scores a goal, you may or may not be able to stand up in a timely manner to cheer them on.
It feels awful to know that a standard hotel towel will not cover you up.  That you will need to get dressed in the bathroom to avoid being seen with what seems like a postage-stamp sized towel attempting to cover your bits.

What I am trying to do is give a glimpse of what it's like to live inside a size 16 body.  I cannot give a personal view from inside a size 18, or 20 and alternately, from a size 6 or 8.  I also won't say that being a size 16 is the worst thing.  It's not.  It's just that living life in a smaller frame is easier and that the daily, mundane activities I used to struggle with, have now become quite easy.  I have already started taking this for granted, so I have to consciously remind myself of the hard work and sweat that has gone into this journey.
I also know that weight loss and maintenance is something I will work at forever.  I cannot slip for even one day.  Because one day can turn into one month, and then six months, and before I can bat an eyelash, I'm reaching for the back of the rack again.

I am so incredibly proud of my successes and I am trying to own it and relish in the compliments, but I know that I'm rounding the bend towards the finish line and I cannot take my eyes off the prize.  I must be more focused than ever and be mindful of the difficulty in losing the "last 10 pounds".

Do I wish I was one of those people who didn't have to be especially careful about what I eat?  Hell yes!
Do I wish I didn't have to work out 4 or 5 times a week - intensely?  Hell.  To.  The.  Yes.
However, this is the hand I've been dealt and if eating well and exercising is wrong, then I don't want to be right.  It feels good to be healthy and fit.  And I know I'm laying the groundwork for my girls to follow in my footsteps.

Soul Freedom

Cliques.  Bullies. Drama.
Didn't you think that after high school you'd leave it all behind?
I did!
But guess what?  These people exist throughout the course of our lives.
Being able to just be grateful for what we have and not worry about these happenings going on around us is something that can bring peace and contentment in our day to day lives.
But it's definitely not easy.
Do I wish that losing weight was easier?
Yep.
Do I wish that I had nicer hair or skin?
You betcha.
Do I wish that I could keep in better touch with my friends and family?
Of course!
I have been dealt these cards and really, at the end of the day, I have a pretty fantastic life and if the hardest obstacle for me to overcome is my weight, then that's petty in comparison to the challenges that many others face.

I know that everyone has endured something in their lives that has caused them hurt and pain.
I'm no different.
As I get older, I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot control other people, but I can control how I react.

This is not a new concept, however, to truly live this, brings a personal peace like no other.

To be able to forgive people, especially without them knowing, can free your soul and take a huge, invisible weight off your shoulders.

I find it exhausting to continue to use my brain space on people and things that I do not value.  I need to let go of parts of my past that leave me heavy chested and stressed.
I recall a saying that goes along the lines of, the best revenge is to live a good life.
Revenge for what?  Is that even the right word?
How about, live a good life.
Period.
Why does it need to be an in your face kind of thing?  The bullies and the cliques and the drama will always be there.  Live a great life anyway.

I'm sure as I get older and gain life experience, I will look back on moments that seemed life changing at the time, and see them as trivial and juvenile.
But even this is a personal choice, and essentially, a reaction to a circumstance.
I thought that high school drama would be left in high school and that the older I got, the further it would be left behind, but each person is entitled to live their own life and some people either enjoy their life and some maybe can't let go of the past.
I used to view people who were 5 or 10 or 15 years older than me, as more mature.
I guess I just assumed that, but again, as I get older, I'm learning that maturity is not a guarantee or a rite of passage, but rather a choice to wake up, each day, and live a good life.

So many of the hardest lessons in life are also the most worthy and rewarding.  And of course, it won't be easy to learn these lessons or we wouldn't put much value in them!
I know in my own life I struggle to focus on myself and my family and I find myself worrying about "the small stuff".
I also know that when I DO focus on my highest values, I feel good.  I feel focused and powerful and clear.
And I know that my soul is freed.
Because I let it be.

Love Letters

To our super sweet Audrey,
 I want to take this time to tell you what a beautiful, intelligent, funny young lady you're becoming.
Since the moment you were placed into our arms, you have brought your Daddy and I more joy than we thought our hearts could hold.
You inspire us to be our best selves and you have made our purpose in life seem obvious.
I absolutely adore you and being your Mom is an honor.
I hope that you continue to grow and explore and that you're never afraid to take the step beyond your comfort zone, because even if you happen to stumble, your Daddy and I will always be waiting to catch you.
I certainly don't need a holiday to tell you these things, however Valentine's Day was a good deadline for me to post about the crazy amount of love I feel for you.
XOXO
Forever and always, you'll have our whole hearts
Mommy & Daddy

To our feisty and fearless Ellie,
You have been apart of our family for less than a year and it is already impossible to imagine what our lives must have been like before you!
You truly are the happiest girl on the planet and although you definitely keep us on our toes way more than we needed to be with your older sister, we love you in a way that words cannot quite capture.
I simply can't wait to watch you and your sister grow up and I'm so happy that your Dad and I will get to be a part of it all.
Please know that we love you and cherish you so very much and you will always be our little girl.
XOXO
We love you bigger than Texas
Mommy & Daddy

And finally,

To my Blake,
I'm never quite sure how to tell you how I feel about you, because I assume that you know, but just in case you didn't...
Since the day I met you - March 22, 2007, I knew you were different.  Special.  Meant for me.
You have made my life spectacular.  I have never treasured or valued anything more than you.
Even after six years (six?!  Really?!), I am in awe of your ambition, drive and tenacity.
You are an incredible man and I feel so proud and contented to be your wife.
When I see you with our daughters, it brings instant tears to my eyes and warms my heart right up through my chest.  My love and joy can't be contained because I find myself smiling at the most random times, every day, just at the thought of my beautiful life.
Thank you for loving me, fiercely.  I have never once doubted your love for me and that is the greatest gift I have ever received.
I love you today more than I have ever loved another and to know that I get to love you for the rest of my life is absolutely something to look forward to.
I can't wait to watch our girls grow into the lovely young women I know they're destined to become.
And then I can't wait to grow up with you.
We have a great life together.

I love you.  Always.
Heather

No Diets Allowed.

I was sweeping the floor today and happened to find a blue M&M in the pile.
Correction.
Audrey found the blue M&M.
And then she ate it.

We're a resourceful bunch.

There was a time in my life when I made sure that my house was clean so that Audrey (I say Audrey because that time is sooooooooo over, like, it was over WAY before Ellie was ever even a consideration) didn't get dirty playing or put some inanimate object into her mouth.
Now, so long as neither one of the girls are currently, physically choking on something, I consider my house clean.
It's amazing how cleaning standards can fall a little bit once you get married, because, let's face it, you got him.
And then they fall a few more steps once your first little person arrives because you just simply don't have the time or energy to maintain a impeccable clean tidy home, and really, you have the absolute best excuse for having a messy home - a newborn!
Now, by the time your second bundle of awesome-ness comes home, your first is at a stage where toys are simply objects to be dumped from their homes and left on the floor.
For the maid Mom to clean up.
So, really, why even bother?

This post is not intended for me to confess about how untidy my house is (literally, as I sit here, my coffee table has a juicebox, 3 magazines, a photo album, an iPad, a staple remover (what?), a water bottle AND a build-a-bear on it), so I am going to get to the point...soon.

At our challenge meeting last week, we spoke about how we are teaching the next generation about how it's all or nothing, and this does not apply only to our eating habits.  This messed up mentality is spilling over into other areas of our lives.
I want to address only the subject of food, because if I start talking about other things like housecleaners and toddler schedules and vacations, I will get off onto a crazy tangent.

We spoke about how our young people, and I hesitate to say girls in particular, because I think that boys are becoming affected more and more, are growing up in a world where many parents are either not concerned with nutrition in the least, or they're borderline obsessed with it.
How do we create a healthy balance?
How do we teach our children that there is no "bad" food, just "red light" food, as my own Mother teaches her second graders?
How do we emphasize that eating healthy, fresh, nutritious food is as enjoyable as the birthday party cupcake?

I want for my 'cupcake' to not worry about eating
an occasional cupcake!

This, I truly believe, is the greatest nutritional obstacle in parenting.
I want to be able to raise children who will make wise choices because it's good for their bodies but also because they enjoy it!  And I would also like for them to be able to enjoy their vacation, or their birthday party or Easter morning egg hunts, because they're not worrying about the calories.
Obviously, I'm still learning how to create this balance myself, so to be able to be a good example for my children is an even bigger work in progress, however I really do hope that one day our whole family has this balance, and without much thought.

I have been participating in this challenge for several weeks now and I already consider myself a clean eater.  It has come so easily to me and felt so natural, that I really won't consider every living any other way.
It's such a simple concept, and yet I do have to think about what I'm putting into my body.  I think that's what sets this way of eating apart from many others.  There will never be a completely thoughtless meal.  Each time, I am considering what I'm eating.  I am planning to succeed and I am planning to continue to be successful.
I recently purchased new jeans which have a waist size that starts with a 2, not a 3 - which is a first for me in a L-O-N-G time (if ever?) and I also purchased a new shirt in a size medium.  Medium!?
I know that the ultimate goal of all of this really isn't about the numbers or the sizes, but I can't help but be excited in the small victories.  The small victories are what will get me to the biggest one, and that's something.

The Challenge

I ran 20km yesterday and felt so fantastic.
This was the furthest I'd ever run since my Vegas incident, so I was understandably nervous about it, but I've been treating my body well and working up to this distance in a reasonable manner, and so, it was a beautiful day and I ran 20 20.28km and felt amazing!

I'm participating in a 12 week clean eating challenge, however I have no intention of this "challenge" ending after 12 weeks.  I've found this new-to-me way of eating to be refreshing and easy and I'm never, ever hungry.  I've also already noticed a change in my energy level and if I do have A cheat, I really feel lousy afterwards, which is something I've never experienced.

With this challenge comes, well, challenges!
Today's is a question, and it asks me what is the biggest obstacle holding me back from achieving all that I want to.
Good one.
For me to answer this question, I had to first decide what it is I want to achieve.  What are my goals?  From this challenge, from the next six months, or year?  Forever?
So, my goal from this challenge is to get my body into a single digit size.  That is something I haven't done ever in my adult life, so that's huge for me!
I also want to permanently change the way I deal with food and eating in general.  I'll let you know in 11 weeks time if I've succeeded at either one of these goals!

My goals for 6 months and a years time?  To be able to MAINTAIN my aforementioned goals and to be running a half marathon every couple months or so and a marathon every year.  Pain and injury-free.
That's it.
Written down, my goals seem much more attainable and real.

So, first question answered, second one, MUCH more difficult to answer...
Obstables.
And after thinking about it long and hard, I've decided that my fear of "getting there" is my biggest obstacle.
I am genuinely afraid of reaching my goal weight because today I am at my wedding day weight, which also happens to be my lowest adult weight.
I feel good.  I feel like I look OK and I know that I can easily stay at this weight.
But I also know that if I stay the course, I will be a me that I won't hardly recognize.
And that is truly terrifying.
I'm an expert at gaining weight and I'm pretty good at losing it, but I haven't a clue how to maintain it.
This notion may very well be what's held me back for so many years from changing.
Fear of the unknown?  Yup.  That's me!
There again.  Now that it's on the screen in front of me, it seems that if I'm at least aware of it, I can overcome it.
(Hmmmmmm, seems to me I MAY have written a post about obstacles not TOO long ago...).

As far as my running goals, I'm afraid that I will hurt myself again, or worse, re-injure myself.
The thing is, I know that if I become this person I speak of whom I have never met, y'know, the one who wears clothes that can be purchased from the middle of the rack, that my chance of injuring myself decreases.  A lot.
If there is less of me, then there is less stress on my legs.  Legs that will also be stronger and leaner than ever before.  This is very exciting to me and is one of my biggest motivators to "get there".
So, one week down, 11 more to go and surely my forever holds a super healthy me!

Cheers and here's to another squeaky clean week!

Running Teachings

Running has taught me so many things.
I thought I would share some of the ways running has changed my life.
Cliche, I know, but if you're a runner, you know how true this is.

I've been running for a long time, and I've experienced many life changes during that  time.
I'd like to say that running has helped me to get through some of the toughest times of my life, but it has done so much more than that.
I have experienced body numbing, burning eyes, physically painful heartbreak.  Whether caused by a break up, or a death, is not the point.  But I have lived through some awful hurt.  And running has provided me with a sort of sanctuary.
I know that no matter what is happening in my life, good OR bad,  all I need is a pair of running shoes and some road and I can give my brain a chance to breathe.  To absorb the happenings of the day.  To organize and reconnect my thoughts and emotions so that I am not a big ball of "hot mess" at the end of it all.
I'm a strong advocate for mental health and for taking care of one's mind as you would your body.  I can admit that I have an excellent counsellor who I do not hesitate to visit when needed, however part of taking care of one's mental health is having an outlet.
Mine, is running.
I come home after a run, time and time again, and tell my husband, my lovely, no-questions-asked-just-taking-care-of-the-girls-so-Mommy-can-escape husband, that running is my happy place.  And it so is

So, the first running lesson I've learned is that having an outlet is detrimental to my health.

Another lesson I've learned from running is that I can do anything.
It will take time, and it may not be pretty or fast, but I can do absolutely anything I set my mind to.
The best things in life do not happen overnight.  If everything was easy, then there would be no reward from the wait.
Finding your life partner, creating and raising children.  These are obviously some of the "wait's" that provide the most gratifying results, however training for a race or changing one's lifestyle in order to gain maximum health benefits are also extremely fulfilling "wait's".

Lesson number two.  If you're willing to put in the time and commitment, then you can achieve anything.

Being able to overcome my negative self, in order to get out the door to run a short 5km run.  THAT is my newest lesson and probably the one that I will struggle with most for the next phase of my life.  Having children and a busy family can make getting in your miles totally impossible very difficult.
It is so important, though, that I strive to maintain my fitness and health so that I can be a good role model for my family, and so that I can be around for a long time to watch my girls grow up.
My negative self is also the one that tells me I'm too fat, or too wrinkle-y, or not tidy enough, or not organized enough...(I could go on, and I'm sure you can all relate!).  Yet, more important than getting my rear out the door for a run, I need to stay on top of my negative self so that I can try to have a healthy self-esteem and body image to reflect upon my girls.

Third lesson, snub out the neggies so that the positive can shine through.

This post will obviously be a short list of the lessons that running has taught me because after the thousands of miles I've logged over the years, I'm sure I could write a book (and I'm SURE one or two have been written!) about my personal gains through running.

The final lesson I'm going to write about involves overcoming obstacles.
Running obstacles most often include an injury of some sort, or a legitimate life happening that creates a short or long-term set back.  A set-back like surgery, or pregnancy.
A set-back can lead to a falling-from-the-bandwagon, which can lead to a full on quit.
Being able to overcome a challenge, even a quit, is a huge accomplishment for anyone.
I have gone through some short and long term breaks from running, but have always, always come back to running.

Last lesson I've learned is that staying on "the horse" is not the goal, but always being able to get back on, is.

I'm about to go get my gear on and go for a run, which is really great because my monkey girls are both sick and I'm feeling rather helpless, so hopefully when I return I'll be able to feel better that they're both going to be alright and that this too, shall pass.

Happy running!