Old Scars

I know I'm not the only one out there fighting the good fight, losing weight.
So while I was out running yesterday, a song came on and I ended up with a few tears, mid-run, over some of the lyrics.
This happen to anyone else?  Why does my music often cause me emotional angst whilst I'm running?!?!
The song is called Superheroes and the line goes like this:
"When you've been fighting for it all your life."
Tears.  Immediate, freezing cold, tears.

I have seriously been fighting ALL my life for this.

I don't often talk about my childhood (does anyone, really?), because I didn't have the most fantastic one.
Don't get me wrong, my family is and always has been amazing, but as soon I was flung into a group of peers, be it neighbourhood kids or school kids, I was an easy target.
I was overweight.  Not just a little, but a lot.  I was overweight in a time, when it seemed, no one else was.
Being a chubby kid is soooooo much harder than being a chubby adult.
Was it hard when the kids called me fat, without even batting an eyelash?  Was it hard when a girl in grade 6 followed me home, teasing me, when I was in grade 1?  Was it hard when I was on a diet program at 7, and ordered salad for breakfast at a restaurant?
Yes.  It was hard.  And it wasn't just hard then, it's hard now too, to think about or even talk about.
I have no idea how, but I will continue to fight so that none of my precious children deal with weight issues, ever.
And I know that genetically speaking, at least one of my kids will battle weight, but I can try and model a healthy way to maintain so that they never feel it's a burden.

(For the record, my Mom came with me to school where I pointed out the older girl and she went batsh*t crazy on her.  I don't remember any of it, but I bet it was epic!)

I struggled with whether or not to include a picture of me in those years, but I'm not doing to.  A lot of you knew me, and if you didn't, then maybe it's best you don't think of me that way.

What I am currently struggling with, is looking in the mirror and still seeing the fat girl, even now.
I sometimes feel like I'm a thinner girl stuck in the chubby girls' body.
I'm sure there are some reading this who feel the opposite.  Maybe you were always slender, perhaps you didn't have to work too hard, and now you feel like you're trapped in someone else's body.
The issue is the same.  Not being able to feel like yourself in your own skin.

What do you say when people tell you that you look great?  I always find that hard.
"Oh, thanks.  It's been a lot of hard work and I still have lots to do."
"Oh, well, it hasn't been very much fun!  Hahaha!"

I find it stressful partly because it's comfortable to be the way I've always been.
It's familiar to look in the mirror and see a fullness that's always been there.  A heartiness that keeps the wrinkles on your body from sinking in and your face looking friendly.

It's as exciting as it is scary to look in the mirror and see bones, veins, muscles, emerging from my new body. Truly, things I have never, ever had because even as a child I had a little extra on my body. Is this the new me?  Is this the body I will have for the rest of my life?
Will I stumble?  Fall?
Will I push farther past this?

I don't feel relief when I look in the mirror, like things are finally the way they were meant to be.
I feel this sense of fear at this anticlimactic result.
It didn't happen overnight, it happened slowly, and I can't help but think that this thing I've been fighting for all my life, is something I will continue to fight for.  Every day.

That's scary.
Going back is scary.
Going further, is scary.

I have faith that this new lifestyle will become easier and more second nature than old habits, but I know from experience that it won't come easy.
Is anything worth having, easy?

Another line in the bawl-fest-inducing-song goes like this:
"Every day, every hour turn the pain into power".

This line pumps me up.
Being a chubby kid sucked.  It sucked a whole bunch.
But as Rafiki says, I can learn from it, or I can run from it.
I've spent many years pretending my childhood woes didn't happen, but I've decided that it was a part of what made me, me, and I'm going to use it to fuel my drive and perseverance.


Here's a link to the song.
I absolutely LOVE that it's called Superheroes, because I definitely feel invincible when I'm out there rocking a solid 5, or 10k!
 Superheroes Song