Junkie

Food addiction.
Binge eating.

It's difficult for me to even write those things, and yet, terms like this have defined me for much of a my life, almost 30 years, in a closeted kind of way.

Do you think that as an alcoholic is heavy within the clutches of the addiction, that they are telling people that they're an addict?  How about a drug user?  I'm quite sure it's not until any kind of addict seeks sobriety, will they be open to calling themselves an addict.

I had a very difficult day the other day.  For no particular reason, was it a bad day.  Just a few, little things, that got to me in a way that was not proportionate to their gravity.

It was so bad, that I reached out to my nutrition coach, to ask her if the urge to binge ever goes away.
In one moment of that day, I felt overwhelmed with the desire to make myself feel better with food.

This has been my cycle, to some degree, for almost as long as I can remember.  I have medicated myself with food, just as an addict would with wine, or prescription drugs, or gambling.
We have a "crutch", to help us get through the crap parts of life, and sometimes, a lot of times, I would even say, this crutch is simply an addiction that we haven't faced yet.

I remember making a bowl of raw cookie dough and eating the entire thing.  I would take a bag of cookies out of the pantry and eat the entire thing.  Oreos were my choice, if given one.  I also remember shaving bits off of a cake, in the hopes that maybe no one would notice that 1/3 of it had been eaten.  It filled the hole.  It made me feel so comforted and almost euphoric, for a moment.
I still know this feeling.  I remember.

I worked through my moment of weakness.  I did not binge.  I stuck to my planned macros, and I felt so very accomplished at the end of that day.

I am working on sobriety.  Isn't that an interesting way to think about it?
I am trying very, very hard to stay sober from binge eating.

I realize that there are people who binge a lot more, or more frequently than myself.  I also know that there are alcoholics who can put down a flat of beer and a couple of two sixes a day, and others who are drinking a bottle of wine every evening.

Potato, po-tah-toe.  Addiction is addiction.

In my mind, on that day, I was simply facing some demons.  Sobriety is hard.  Stopping a food addiction cycle is hard because food is required to live.  Moscato, not so much.

For a lot of my life, though, I was living to eat.  I mean, really living in the anticipation of what I was going to eat next.
I still do, but now there is thought behind what's coming next and I feel good afterwards, instead of guilty and remorseful.

I wondered if I should even post something about this day and this light bulb moment for me, but then, just like many of my posts, I remembered that there is almost certainly someone struggling or dealing with the exact thing I was that day.
I have never gone to a self help meeting.
I have sought help, but it was in the form of therapy and now my phenomenal nutrition coach.

Addiction can be overwhelming. Gripping.  It can be stifling and suffocating.
I knew I needed to get past that moment, but I wasn't sure how.

I'm sure I will still have these feelings.  I'm sure they'll always creep up when I'm feeling weak.  I'm also sure that as I learn about myself, and my triggers and that I am abso-freaking-lutely deserving of everything I work for, that I will be able to stamp them out with more and more ease and resolution.

I feel strong today, and I am so proud that on that day I was able to do the right thing, and reach out to my support, instead of burying myself in a box of timbits.

Progress...sometimes bit, sometimes small.  But always getting better.