Every Year

I was driving to my bootcamp class this evening, when I very suddenly had an awful feeling, in the pit of my stomach that nearly took my breath away and left me with a pain in my gut.
I found myself wondering, what on earth could make me feel this way, and before I could even finish thinking those words, I remembered.
I remembered that around this time, the holiday season, seven years ago, seven years ago, was the time that you were ill and eventually passed.
It still seems fresh, and raw, even after all these years.
I still remember driving, every weekend for seven hours, for weeks and weeks, just to see you for a few days.
I would give almost anything to spend all my weekends driving, however far it be, to see you again.
I remember praying harder and more than I ever had before.  Praying that you would get better.  Praying that you wouldn't suffer anymore, but that you would recover and come home.  Praying that this wasn't your time, because you're one of the good ones.
I remember and feel the pain as if it happened yesterday.

I wish that you could have met my husband, and our beautiful children.  One of whom is named after you.
I wish that you could have met all the new members of our family.
I wish that you were here with us, instead of in heaven watching over us.

The songs they played at your funeral, I Can Only Imagine and Silent Night, still bring tears to my eyes in an instant.
It's true that time heals, but time doesn't forget, and I'm grateful for that.
I will never, ever forget you.

I miss you Grandpa, and I love you.

The Evolution

It amazes me how different my two children are, and also how my love for them can be so different.

Audrey is nearly three years old and so we've had the pleasure of having her in our lives for much longer than Ellie.
I don't know if the diversity of love for one's children is a taboo subject because it may imply that there is an inequality, or if it simply isn't something we discuss because at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.  In any case, it is something I could not have known I would feel.
The analogy I use for this is to have a new car.
I know, children should not be compared to cars, but for the sake of a comparison, I'm goin' there!

Having a new baby is like waking up every morning knowing that there is a brand new car in your drive way, except the novelty lasts much longer than that of a new car.  ;)
Having a toddler is like waking up every morning knowing there is a brand new car in your drive way also.
Except that car is a Lamborghini.

I love my children without exception and without question and I would never, ever, ever say that I love either one of them 'more', because that will never be the case.
The difference is, that we have had three years of Audrey, and only 5 months of Ellie.
We have had the chance already to watch Audrey grow, change and develop into a dynamic and interesting little girl.
I know we will have the same opportunities with Ellie, and I'm so very grateful for that.

I found a RARE photo of the four of us on Ellie's 'birth'day!
She's only a handful of minutes old!

I'm unsure of how my love for them will change in another three years, but the thought that we will be lucky enough to go through this again with another beautiful little gaffer, is enough to make me wake up every day excited - both for the brand new Toyota and the Lamborghini!

Goals, Inspirations & Aspirations

Goals, inspirations and aspirations...
What's the diff?

To me, a goal is something I am GOING to do.
I've registered for the Hypothermic Half Marathon for February 10, 2013.

An inspiration is someone, or something that makes me want to go for a run, or workout, or get outside my comfort zone.

An aspiration is something that I WANT to do.
I recently read a story about a friend of a friend (this story is actually true, I promise!), who lost 125lbs over the course of 5 years, and just yesterday completed an Ironman.
The whole thing.
By herself.

This story INSPIRED me to ASPIRE to do an ironman.

I was also inspired to register for the Hypothermic Half today, which means that I will do it.
Check it out, I'm on the confirmed list!
Any runner knows that if you drop $73 on a race, there's almost nothing that will stop you from getting your arse to the start line!

This story also sparked my interest in doing another marathon (I'm aiming for the Edmonton Intact in August 2013), and in a few years, after some triathlons (I'm also aiming to do three sprint triathlons over the course of the summer of 2013!), to train for and complete an ironman myself.

When I finish the 1/2 marathon in February, and I'm sure I haven't sustained any more injuries or aggravated the old ones, I plan to register for the Intact marathon and continue training, which means that from this point on, and until mid August, my Sundays will have long runs and my weeks will be filled with bootcamp, short weekday runs and hill runs.

I feel like training is an innate part of my identity.
Knowing that my legs can carry my body over some tremendous distances, has absolutely helped to shape the person I am today.
There have been countless times during my life that I have drawn upon my running experiences to get through a difficult or stressful situation.
Most recently, during my labour with Ellie, when I felt weak, I remember saying to my husband that I felt like I was at mile 20 of the marathon.
At mile 20, I stopped.
I said to my brother and Dad that I was tired, and sore and that 20 miles was enough.
Of course, I didn't stop and I finished the marathon.
All 26.2miles of it.

So, my life is once again dedicated to training and running a couple of large events in the coming months and I really, honestly couldn't be more thrilled!

I'm excited for what my athletic future holds and I hope that I can add triathlete to my sporting resume.
I aspire to someday be assigned an ironman race number that my friends and family can follow during the day-long event!

Thank you Deirdre for sharing your friends' story!
If you happen to read this, please let her know that she has inspired me!

If You Always Do What You've Always Done...

...Then you'll always get what you've always got.

This saying has resonated with me for the past few months, and today, as I was running, I felt stronger and faster as a result.

I've been a runner for more than 15 years, and I've worked out, or done some kind of exercise on a very regular basis, for longer than that.
Long story short, exercise has never been something I'm afraid of, and particularly, intense exercise.

For as many years as I would consider myself a regular exerciser, I've also been anywhere from slightly overweight to obese, by a BMI standard.  My scale has frequently registered a 2 in front of the rest of the numbers.  So frequently, that it has never fazed me.  And I don't consider that a bad thing.  Not attaching my self-worth to the number on the scale is a GOOD thing.
And I'm still not trying to amount myself to numbers on a scale, don't get me wrong.
My point is that I feel that I have found my perfect (or close to!) personal equation.  I have found a healthy way to eat and an exercise balance that is simply resulting in weight loss, and more importantly, the fittest me that has ever existed.

As I was out for my 5.5km run, for the second day in a row, I found myself feeling lighter on my feet.  I did not struggle at any point, even the hills, and my normally 38-40 minute time has now become 32-33.
I feel incredible.
I can't help but smile for much of my run, as I repeat in my head the mantra that titles this post.

For my entire life, I have been stuck in an exercise and food 'rut', and now, at 31 years old, I've come out of it!

That's a long time!  However, if it was all to get to this point, then it was all worth it.

Since the day I had Miss E, I am down 44lbs.  But this is not the end, by any stretch, but more like the mid-way point.  I can feel myself slipping into a comfort zone, as my clothes all fit, well, and when I look in the mirror I'm happy with what I see.
My goal isn't necessarily to weigh a certain number (if anyone's seen Knocked Up, I'm not going to choose a number on the scale and then, weigh that!), but rather to continue to eat well and exercise and let my body take care of the rest.
I have taken a picture a couple of weeks ago, and I have yet to decide if I'm going to share it at any point, so count yourself lucky if it ever shows up here because it took a lot of guts simply to TAKE the intrepid bikini photo!

I'm going to leave a link to my current favourite running song, and if it happens to inspire you to pound out a few kilometers, I'm sorry.  Except that I'm not, because if you've read this and you want to go for a run, that's fantastic and I encourage you to do it!  You will NOT regret it!  ;)

Sweet Nothing - Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

First Race Post Baby #2 and Future Racing Plans

I registered for the St. Albert Fall Challenge on Aug 25, and we ran on September 23.

Since Vitamin E was 12 weeks old on Aug 26,  that meant on race day she was just shy of 4 months. 

4 months!

When Vitamin A was around 4 months old, I ran a 5km race, so I am very proud of the hard work and progress I've made this time around.
On race day, I felt incredible.  I've been eating well and trying to listen to my body so I took it easy on the hills and pushed when I felt I had it in me.
My Dad actually started around 0.5km behind me, to make up for the 1.1km extra of the half marathon he was running, so I was sure he would catch up to me soon.
Not so!  I carried a fairly consistent 6 minute kilometre race pace, and brisk walk breaks every 10 minutes.  I could feel a blister on my right foot at the 7th km, but I kept repeating in my head, "What are you saving it for?".
That day, I didn't save anything!  At the last 800m or so, my Dad caught up to me, and not a minute too soon!  I needed that final push to run the last (uphill!) stretch of the race.
One of the things I take pleasure in the most, is running with my Dad.
Truly.
And running through the finish line, once again, to a personal best time, made for a very memorable day!

I ran a 1:02 on this course and I was really pleased, to say the least!

Now that I'm comfortable running 10km, I'm looking to start training for the Hypothermic half marathon.

Trouble is, I'm more nervous to start increasing my distance than ever before.

I've not run more than about 10km since the marathon and subsequent ankle injury.

I have yet to run completely pain or discomfort-free and although by the time I finish running, I feel great, the beginning of each run starts with a nagging right ankle and more recently, a tight left achilles tendon.

I'm aware that I'm not a young runner (this is true!  In four more years I can register as a veteran, or master!), but I also think that with proper cross training, stretching and generally just taking care of my body, I should feel fine better than ever, running.

I'm sure some physiotherapy would help, so I'm going to add that to my regime as I begin training for the February half marathon, but I'm really not sure there's much more I can do.
It's too bad running & I have this crazy love affair, or I think we would just break up...

This is my Dad, Audrey (crying) and I crossing the 10km finish line.
My Dad was only half done.
No one likes two loop races.
Take note race organizers...

I was trying to have a snooze with my two little monkey girls, but as I'm finding more and more, my mind seems to have other plans that do not include resting.

I'm tired.

As in, two diet cokes down and it's only 2:30pm.

Really tired.

If being tired is the worst thing about being a parent, and I think it might be, then I'll take it.  It's the best job on the planet and if you're considering it - then DO IT!

OK, I just had to plug parenthood a little, but I'm done now.  At least for today!  ;)

I know that I need to start planning Audrey's birthday and getting a start on Christmas, but I really love nothing more than to lay beside my two amazing little girls and watch them sleep.

Don't judge me.  I know you do it too.  And if you don't, then give it a try.

Children are miracles.  Absolute marvels.  I cannot believe that two sets of genetics can combine (twice!) to create two perfect little people.

*sigh* Can life get any better?

Here's monkey girl #1 lying in the grass waiting for Papa
to cross the finish line.  He ran a 2:04 half!  It was a great day!

Oh Me Nerves!

It is the eve before my first race post-Ellie.
And I'm nervous.
It's a feeling most, if not all runners are familiar with.
My stomach is in knots and my mind is going over the possible race scenarios.
By morning I will be a bundle of crazy anxiety and until my race is done, I won't feel like myself.
Now, I have run countless races and run countless L-O-N-G training runs, but each and every time I am scheduled to run 10km or more, I get nervous!
I know, without a doubt, that my body can do this distance, but I still, every time get nervous.
For me, it's what makes me feel like a runner.  A real, bonified runner.
I know that lots of runners will never cross a finish line, and that doesn't make them any less of a runner.  But personally, the thrill of standing like a herd of cattle in a start line corral (true name - not made up!) is a feeling like no other.

I know, and I can tell anyone who's contemplating doing their first race, that if you register for the race, put in the miles and get your rear to the start line, that you will finish.
And the medal that will be placed around your neck at the end of the race cannot compare to the pride you will carry with you forever.
The race numbers, timing chips, last minute bathroom breaks - they're all part of the nerves, and ultimately, the race experience.
Until you've stood in a long line of runners at a single porta potty in a 300 participant race, you have not pushed your nerves to their fraying threshold.
It is exhilarating to hear the gun or the tone to signal the beginning of the race, and then feel the crowd's excitement as the people start surging forward.
I always reflect on the runners in the crowd who may be running their first race, or their first 5km ever, or 10km ever, and can't help but feel inspired.
This is what sparked my own temptation to run a marathon, and I am definitely feeling it again!
To step foot over the furthest distance you've ever done - 11km, past your first 10 or 22km, past your first 21 is such a unique feeling and unfortunately, one that cannot be duplicated.
Having done a marathon, I know that I can do the distance - just as I know I can do the distance tomorrow, yet I sometimes miss the feeling of running further than I ever have before.

I guess it might be time for a 50km race?

Some Wisdom for my Monkey Girls...

When a woman imagines herself with her future children, often she has an image of what and who these children will be.
I've always known I wanted children, however my image always included two boys.
When Audrey was born and my husband announced that it was a SHE, no one was more shocked than me.  I truly felt with every fibre of my being that we were coming home with an Owen, and I can honestly say that bringing home a little girl was one of the most incredible, beautiful moments of my life.  What a special gift to have a little sugar and spice of my own!
Imagine my surprise when during our mid-pregnancy ultrasound, we learned we were to have another beautiful daughter!  My image couldn't have been more wrong!  And yet I count myself so incredibly lucky to have two amazingly stunning girls!
Now, being a girl myself, I feel that I've got a little bit of life experience (31+ years to be exact!) that I want to pass on to my girls.
I will never, ever call myself an expert on anything because there is always something to be learned from someone else, and the process of learning is what makes life interesting.
I want to share some lessons I've learned along my own journey with my girls.
This, of course, is a work in progress.

Dear Audrey & Ellie,
These are my own personal words for you.  These are not rules.  I only want to share with you some things I've learned that have enriched my life.

• Dr.Seuss is a great and knowledgable teacher.

"Be who you are say what you feel because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.".
This is REALLY great advice, and only a small taste of the abundance Dr.Seuss has to offer.

• Listen.

And listen well.  This skill will not fail you.  People love to talk, but genuine listening is getting lost amongst the words.

• Be confident.  You are an amazing individual.  I know this because you are and will be surrounded by amazing individuals who only want the best for you.  Confidence will be your most beautiful attribute.  Not everyone is in your corner, but I hope you will learn not to listen to negatrons (as your Dad calls them!).

• Love many.  Trust few.  Always paddle your own canoe.

My own Mother, your Nana, gave me this advice many times during my childhood.  It boils down to giving your love freely, but not being naive.  You will learn, that few people truly have your best interests at heart.  That's ok, because you will be a strong, independent woman.

• Don't sweat the small stuff.  This is a piece of advice that can be very difficult to take!  I still struggle with this - please don't ever hesitate to remind me!  If it will not matter in 5 years, then it will not matter.  Let it go.  It will bring you peace.

• Practice humility and empathy.  The world is full of people. Be considerate of others, always.   It is not always about you and no one owes you anything, so be a good citizen of the world.  You will get what you give.

• Be friendly and smile.  Lots.  

You will be judged within moments of meeting someone.  A generally happy demeanor and a genuine smile will speak much louder than any introduction.  You never have to wear makeup.  Ever.  Unless you want to.  Because a smile is all anyone will see on your beautiful face, if you wear it sincerely.

• Do not spend your days trying to be right.  Life is not about proving yourself and when one person is right, then another is wrong.  Just be confident and let others do the right-fighting.  You will have better things to do with your time and efforts.

• Be present.  This simply means that what has happened cannot be changed and what will happen cannot be controlled.  All you have is now.  Right now.  So make it count.

Finally, I love you.
Simply and in a way that I can never fully put into words.  You have made my life more full than I ever dreamed it could be.  Please remember that when you have a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  Or week.  Or year.  Your Daddy and I love you unconditionally and of all the little girls in all the whole world, we got the two best ones.  How could we be so crazy lucky?!

Seriously.  HOW did we get so lucky!?!?

XOXO  Mommy