The Value of Beauty

Are you like me?

Do you really have no idea how your beauty compares to others?

I have absolutely no problem, whatsoever praising my children and seeing their stunning beauty, but when it comes to myself, I'm my own, personal, #1, hardcore critic.

I think most people are their own worst critic, and although we can recognize that, we are unable to change it.

Maybe for a day or two we can consciously see our own beauty, both inside and out, but it doesn't take long for the old, negative self doubts to creep into our innocent minds.

I realize that physical beauty isn't anywhere near as important or valuable as our spiritual and emotional beauty, but there is no denying the fact that our appearance has grips on so many aspects of our lives.

The biggest, and most important decision of our lives, choosing our partner, is initially based solely upon one another's outward appearance.

Don't even try to deny it!

We are first attracted to our significant other's beauty, and then we are able to fall in love with all the other bits.

Now that we've got two little girls, I feel it's important that I not only take careful steps to reign in my own lousy self-esteem in regards to my weight, but also to my appearance.

Do they need to see me scrutinizing every wrinkle?  Is my nose too fat?  Does this shirt hide my muffin top?  Am I pretty?

Who frickin' cares!

They certainly don't, and I've got much better things to do than teach them how to hate themselves.

For a very long time (at least I hope!), my girls will think that I'm the most beautiful person in the world.

I may not believe this to be true, and, of course, it's not, but fake it til you make it, right?

My older gal likes to play with my hair, and I've held off cutting the whole lot of it off, because I adore this.

Our children will look at our faces, and have nothing but an innocent, confident smile.  A genuine, all-knowing, smile.

They love us, and they don't know any better.

We.  Are.  Beautiful.

I will never tire of looking at these
two gorgeous faces!

Is it good for them to hear us criticize ourselves?
No.
Is it good for their hearts to know that their mother or father thinks that they're ugly?
No.  Because one day, they will learn that they are created in their parents likeness, and they will let those same mental recordings start to happen in their own beautiful little brains.
I cannot let this happen.

So, what is the value of beauty?
In my opinion, it's whatever you make of it.
Do you think you're beautiful?
Like I said earlier, I have no idea how I compare to the rest of the world, but comparing myself to others is about as effective as, well, it's just not.  And I'm far too lazy to spend time on that anyways!
Is it important?
Yes.
How important?
Well, that's up to you and I.

She loves to hang out in the carrier.
Who needs a double stroller anyhow?!

Summer 2013

Running, biking, swimming, crossfit-ing and dreaming of adding a yoga class to my schedule.
This is a typical week.
Yep.  In one week I must fit in one bike, one swim, one crossfit class and two or three runs.
Up until last week, I was also going to one physio appointment every week.
It almost sounds like a recipe, doesn't it?
Add, five or six workouts and a physio or yoga session, subtract equal amounts of family time, also subtract date nights and any semblance of a social life and you will have one awesome  race-filled summer.

Well, I'll tell ya in September if it was an awesome summer!

On my current agenda, I've got planned:
A 19.1km leg of the Banff to Jasper relay
The Summerside sprint triathlon
Color me Rad 5km
The Moose is Loose half marathon
The Devon sprint triathlon
The Derby Edmonton half marathon  The Derby Edmonton full marathon
The Barrhead Queen of Hearts triathlon
Melissa's Road Race half marathon

And all of this will be followed up with a heavy running-only training schedule to get ready for the Goofy race in January.
I have never, ever in my life planned to (and I know I'll finish all of these races!) compete in so many races.  The financial investment is enough to ensure my rear gets to the start line, which, in turn, ensures I will get to the finish line.

Now, for the interesting part.

Goals.

I'm not just planning to run and triathlon my way through the summer, but I plan to end with two PRs, or personal records.
I am going to run a sub 2 hour half marathon, and I'm sure that the Derby will be the race to do it.
REVISION  Since I've decided to do the Edmonton full, then the Moose is Loose is my ONLY opportunity to do a sub 2.  *breathe in, breathe out, breathe in...*
I'm also planning to have two improved times on my sprint triathlons.  The second being faster than the first, and the third being faster than the second.
Those are my goals. 
If your dreams aren't big enough to scare you...right?!
Heard that before?!
Well I'm not scared of any of the races I'm doing this summer, but I am a little scared for this Goofy race.
63.3km over two days.
This race scares me because the last time I trained for a marathon (and only a marathon, not a marathon and a half!) I injured myself so badly that it took over two years for me to do another half marathon.
For a runner, that's a huge, huge setback.

I was productive, though.
I had a baby.

My get-ankle-ready strategy includes as-needed physio with my fantastic therapist, who also happens to be an ironman athlete, and crossfit.  Loads of dynamic moves and one-foot jumping.  This damn ankle has no choice but to comply!!

I've also got an appointment to see a Naturopath about Prolotherapy.
My physiotherapist suggested it to help strengthen and rehabilitate this bum ankle that continues to plague me.
I've done my research and found a clinic, so we'll see in June if this stuff is hulabaloo, or if it's going to help me.

I have a feeling 60+ less pounds on this body of mine is going to help in preventing injury.  ;)

The most unfortunate part about this summer is that I've had to give up my twice weekly bootcamp classes.  I just can't fit in these classes and my work schedule includes shift and so that makes it hard to get to these classes.
I'm planning to return in the fall, and I'm also hoping to continue with crossfit as they both bring a different dynamic to my fitness regime.

GAWRSH I love working out!
(I'm channeling goofy.  Did ya get that?)

Preschool?!

This evening I will wait in line to register my daughter for preschool.
Is it just me, or does every Mom feel like they're an imposter?
My oldest gal is almost 3.5 years old and it still feels strange to type a sentence like the opener.
I have a daughter?  Actually, I have two!  Now that, my friends, is still unbelievable.
Two little people are fully dependent on Blake and I.
I can't even keep plants alive.
You can breathe out now.  My children are fine.

Back to the school thing.
Vitamin A is so, so ready for school!
We visited Nana and Papa K, Auntie and Uncle K and Great Aunt and Uncle C last week.
Actually, truthfully, we went to snuggle with brand new baby Hailey.  (Love you guys too!)
She is so sweet and lovely and I couldn't love her more!  Great job Garth and Mel!

While we visited, the girls and I went to Nana's school.
Audrey absolutely adores Nana's school!  She loves the kids, she loves playing and she really just loves everything about it!
She was sitting at her desk, chatting with the kids and carpet and put up her hand when asked if she had packed her math homework.
She is so, so ready for preschool in the Fall, but I'm not sure I am.
I feel like the older she gets, the cooler she gets, and the more time I want to spend with her.
How selfish, right?
I totally get why people homeschool their kids.
They're selfish.   ;)

Audrey's speech is improving in leaps and bounds.  Basically, she will climb up to a seat at the table, where we're seated, and say, "OK.  Guys.  What are we doing today?".
Clear as a bell.
And it friggin' cracks me up everytime.
Not everything she says is appropriate though.  Really, though, what toddler is entirely appropriate?
Ellie is a crazy vocal kid, and she can talk the ear off anyone, so Vitamin A has started addressing this.
"Shut your piehole, Ellie!".
This is a problem.
Just try not to laugh at that, though!

Not only has Ellie really found her voice, but she's become a crawling beast!
She pulled herself by her arm and pushed with her power toes for a long time, in a zombie-like fashion, but one day, a couple weeks ago, she figured out how fast she could move by crawling and hasn't looked back!
Her older sister never, ever crawled, so this all took some adjusting to!
Our house never had to be baby-proofed!

Ellie will be 11 months old in 6 days and still doesn't have a tooth!
That doesn't mean she can't take down a half a chicken breast though!  That girl can eat!
She out-eats her older sister!

All these milestones being met, moved on from, makes my gut ache.
I really, really want them to stop growing.
It pains me as much as it makes my heart swell, and I feel like these emotions are at the root of motherhood.
Becoming a Mother (or Father!), brings so many unknowns.  Constant change.
Do we every really know what we're doing?
How many children does one have before they're considered an expert?
IS there such a thing as an expert in Motherhood?

Caught in moment of weakness.
Playing with her sister!

The Cost of Weight Loss

First things first.
Yesterday was the Boston marathon and would have been a regular running event, had it not been for the waste-of-skin-douchebag(s) who planted bombs and in effect, caused pain and suffering for hundreds of families.
Are we safe nowhere?
The Boston marathon.  Probably the most famous running event in the world, and a race for the elite, as you must qualify (I would need to run a 3:35 marathon - *choke) and also be chosen from a lottery, as there really are THAT many people who qualify.  The Boston marathon.  And instead of it being a joyous day, filled with victories and successes, it was marked by a terrorist attack.
But the running community, and the world, are strong, and resilient, and will bounce back and not let this tragedy become a defining moment, but rather a day to remember victims but also to continue to run this race and create everlasting, happy memories.

On to the seemingly petty subject of this post.
Though yesterday's events eclipse any of today, I think it's important to talk about the little things because it helps us to move on, and focus on the mundane, yet happy moments that occur everyday.

Weight loss is such an incredible journey, and I feel so fortunate to have had so much success and continued motivation to reach my goals.
BUT...
I'm finding that my budget is taking a big hit in order to replace my old wardrobe.
If you consider, for a moment, I need to replace almost everything.
Many people have a second wardrobe from when they were a small size, but I've never been this size in my adult life, so had I kept some of the clothes from high school (which was 15 years ago - um, what?!?!), I would be able to fit those clothes.
I must replace underwear, workout gear, jeans, shirts, summer wear, coats and swimsuits.
Basically, I can still fit into my pajamas.
I also think it's important to get rid of the old clothes, because (as I'm sure everyone knows!) it's so very easy to slip back into old habits, grab an old, larger pair of jeans, and carry on.
If this isn't an option, then one has no choice but to be accountable to one's wardrobe.

In addition to the cost of shopping - and I know many would think, "what the HELL is she complaining for!" I started thinking about the cost of weight loss, in itself.
If I start thinking about how much I've spent in my lifetime on gym memberships, fitness classes, workout gear, running shoes, sports leagues, etc.,  I could come up with a rather large number.
Do I consider any of that expenditure in waste?
Nope.
Not even a little bit.
I've never been that gal who signs up for a gym membership, pays the $30 or $40 or $50 monthly fee, only to not spend a single moment at the gym.
I've always, always, found the value in money spent on my fitness and health.
And you should too.
Do you have a gym membership you don't use?  Do you pay for yoga classes you don't attend?
If it's not something you like to do, then don't do it!  But find something else that you do enjoy so that you can easily take care of your body, because at the end of the day, health is on the very short list of things in life that truly matter.

Taking care of our health is so very important, and if the government offered tax breaks, or subsidized the means by which we have to look after our bodies, then maybe more people would do it.
Is it not proactive to gain and maintain health and fitness, rather than lean on our healthcare system when our bodies fail us?
Will we never learn?

Their Chariot Awaits!

*Revised to give props*
So, before I delve into this post, I thought I'd share with you my results from the 12(ish) week challenge I just took part in.
This was strictly a nutrition challenge done through my bootcamp, BMS Bootcamps, and although near the beginning I was training for a half marathon, for the most part I exercised regularly.  That shows ya how important nutrition is!!
Starting on January 21 and ending on March 28, so more like around 10 weeks, I lost 19.4lbs and almost 16.5"!
I did not win a prize, but I absolutely, without a doubt, unequivocally won.
This weight loss journey has been very different for me in that I have not yet felt "done", and I still do not.
Too often, I get comfortable, and feel pretty good about myself and decide to live at that weight, although I know I'm capable of much more.
I have encountered hurdles and obstacles almost daily, and yet I have been able to see past them, to the end goal, in order to be able to persevere.
I'd like to lose 10 more pounds, but ultimately I'd like to leave 20 more behind.  I know that 10 is easily (HA!) achievable, but 10 beyond that will be extra challenging.  I can do this.

Here are some pictures of my journey, and I will admit that the "before" picture was taken in late December and I thought I looked pretty darn good, so with 20 less pounds I think I'm doing alright!

This Saying is SO SO true!  LOVED doing those
blasted ropes!

I stayed very diligent, and although I had a couple of quittin' kinda weeks, I never gained, and I've learned so much about myself and I've discovered that I really, truly LOVE to exercise!  So, on a recent visit to Fort McMurray, I crashed a cross fit type class.
I'm including a picture taken by the fabulous trainer, Kelly Pollard who runs these classes at her gym called Ultimate Sculpting and I was so lucky to get the chance to train with her again while we were visiting.  She snapped a pic of me doing the ropes and I didn't even know she'd taken the photo, because I was SO focused - and you can kinda tell!

So with this new physique comes a new appreciation and even MORE love for running!  I've set my sights on the Walt Disney World marathon for January 2014, so I will be a busy gal training for several halfs, a couple triathlons and then my second full marathon!

When we learned we were to welcome a second little person, my husband and I invested (and that's definitely what we did!  INVEST!) in a Chariot Cougar2.  It's a fabulous stroller and the only double one we own.  We've used it for pulling behind the bike, in the mall and just out for walks with the girls, but I had not taken it out for a run.

I had planned a long run one evening last week when my husband got home from work, and because of a miscommunication, my plans had to be modified.  I had yet to take the girls out running in the double stroller, mostly out of fear, and so I strapped them in, gave them snacks and lots of blankets and set out for a short run. I had given myself the slack to run 5.5km, instead of the 8 I had planned.  I quickly realized that pushing the girls really wasn't as difficult as I'd thought and did the entire 8 I had originally intended to do - only around 4 minutes slower than my non-stroller-pushing time!

Since discovering how easy it is to take the girls along with me for my runs, I've taken them 4 times in the last 6 days!  They love it, I love it and it gives me a little extra challenge - especially up the hills!  PLUS, as a bonus, they are sleeping really well at night!

So, I leave for you a mess (literally - I'm so computer stunned it's not even funny!) of pictures with captions to try and explain what the deuce is going on!

Next time I write, I'll be several pounds less!!

www.bmsbootcamps.com
www.ultimatesculpting.com

BEFORE
December 2012

Taking my monkey girls out for a run!
Look how cozy that little pod looks!

AFTER
March 2013

Step In Line

We all currently know someone who is on their weightloss journey.
At any given point in my life I know someone who was on theirs.
This time, it's my turn.
I'm always excited for someone who has found their success, their winning combination.
A part of me is always jealous, because, of course, I would like to be in their shoes, but ultimately, I am thrilled that someone I know is finding a new, healthy way to live.

When it becomes apparent that you are, in fact, the one who has discovered your own, personal way to shed the weight, it seems a bit surreal and you find that you still view yourself as the "old" you.
I recently went shopping to buy some new jeans and the lovely sales gal brought nine pairs of jeans for me to try on!  NINE!  She didn't know I loathe shopping, I guess.
I tried on about 6 of the pairs.  That was enough for me!  And each time I held up those jeans and thought to myself, there is no flippin' way these are going to fit me!  And each time, they did!
This time, it's my turn.

I purchased a very nice, but expensive, pair of jeans and a new (medium!?) shirt, which, shockingly, also fit me!  I've decided that I work too hard on my body to live in crappy clothes.  At this point, I want to show off my body, because I have worked my whole life for this.  I really have!  I was on Weight Watchers when I was nine years old!
I also need to learn to reward myself with things like clothing because all too often I would reward myself for having a great week and losing a pound, or two - with a treat!  (What!?)  So backwards!  1000 calories is roughly a third of a pound and trust me, it's not hard to consume 1000 calories!

Today, I am 11 pounds away from a very maintainable goal weight and I am so prepared for the challenges I will face as I battle the last 10 pounds.  I may, or may not have to change up my diet.  I may, or may not have to increase the intensity/duration/frequency of my workouts and I may, or may not have to lean on my support system more than ever.
But this time, it's my turn.

If you are reading this and you are contemplating starting your own weightloss journey, then you have begun.  If you jumped in with both feet in January and now you're finding your interest has faded, you're bored, or you didn't see the results.  Remember, it will come off the exact way it was put on.  One pound at a time.  Don't stop.  Step in line, this time.
Because this time, it's your turn.

A Look Inside

I want to give a glimpse of what the "inside" looks like.
What it looks, or actually, feels like to be a size 16.
I won't pretend that this makes me any kind of plus-size expert, but I do know what I feel like felt like as a size 16, 14, 12...

I've always been so envious of the people who don't have to struggle work at maintaining their physique.  The people who can eat whatever they like and not gain weight.  Or the people who can go to the gym for 90 days, or whatever the programs promote, and come out the other side with muscle definition.
I am fully aware that I will never, ever, ever be one of these people.  For the rest of my life I will have to watch what I eat and exercise.  A lot.  Exercise a lot.  Like 4 or 5 times a week.  Which is why training for various events is so good for me.  It tricks me into thinking that my workouts have a bigger purpose beyond changing and maintaining my physical appearance. (Which they do, of course!  It's simply much easier to know that there's an end goal and not just week after week of workouts - forever, and ever, and ever...)
The fact that I get to struggle with my weight is actually a blessing.
At least I am healthy enough to take on the challenge!

Anyways, I digress as the topic of this post is actually about what it's like to weigh 200+ lbs.

I have spent the majority of my adult life weighing more than 200lbs.  Like most, I've managed to take off pounds once in awhile and bring that magic number below 200, but often its just below and I've not been able to maintain that.  (Maintenance of weight loss is probably my number one fear, BTW.  But that's a topic I'll explore another time!).
When I was 222lbs (my ACTUAL magic number.  It seems my scale can quite comfortably stop and stay on this number!), I never felt "fat".  I've always felt good in my skin because I've always exercised and eaten well.  I've also always been surrounded by people who are crazy supportive and have always told me I look good.
But what is it really like to reach to the backs of the racks to find your size, if they even have sizes that go that large?
What is it really like to wake up every morning, starting with getting out of bed, and have almost every activity (putting on socks, tying shoes, picking up a loonie, getting into your vehicle...) cause exertion?
What is it really like to hold up your jeans and feel actual, genuine fear that they will not fit, or that you will have such a horrific muffin-top that your next step will be to find a top that will camouflage this?
What is it like?
It's kind of awful.

I say that I never felt fat, and I didn't.  However, I was constantly reminded of how my weight was affecting every single aspect of my day-to-day life.  Why should I be out of breath walking up seven steps?  Why should I be out of breath climbing seven steps when I was in the midst of training for a half marathon!?
It feels awful to be walking with someone and catch a glimpse of your shadow and realize what a vast difference there is between the two of you.
It feels awful to try and "squeeze" past something or someone and realize that no amount of sucking-in will allow you through.
It feels awful to be at a hockey game and know that if your team scores a goal, you may or may not be able to stand up in a timely manner to cheer them on.
It feels awful to know that a standard hotel towel will not cover you up.  That you will need to get dressed in the bathroom to avoid being seen with what seems like a postage-stamp sized towel attempting to cover your bits.

What I am trying to do is give a glimpse of what it's like to live inside a size 16 body.  I cannot give a personal view from inside a size 18, or 20 and alternately, from a size 6 or 8.  I also won't say that being a size 16 is the worst thing.  It's not.  It's just that living life in a smaller frame is easier and that the daily, mundane activities I used to struggle with, have now become quite easy.  I have already started taking this for granted, so I have to consciously remind myself of the hard work and sweat that has gone into this journey.
I also know that weight loss and maintenance is something I will work at forever.  I cannot slip for even one day.  Because one day can turn into one month, and then six months, and before I can bat an eyelash, I'm reaching for the back of the rack again.

I am so incredibly proud of my successes and I am trying to own it and relish in the compliments, but I know that I'm rounding the bend towards the finish line and I cannot take my eyes off the prize.  I must be more focused than ever and be mindful of the difficulty in losing the "last 10 pounds".

Do I wish I was one of those people who didn't have to be especially careful about what I eat?  Hell yes!
Do I wish I didn't have to work out 4 or 5 times a week - intensely?  Hell.  To.  The.  Yes.
However, this is the hand I've been dealt and if eating well and exercising is wrong, then I don't want to be right.  It feels good to be healthy and fit.  And I know I'm laying the groundwork for my girls to follow in my footsteps.