The Challenge

I ran 20km yesterday and felt so fantastic.
This was the furthest I'd ever run since my Vegas incident, so I was understandably nervous about it, but I've been treating my body well and working up to this distance in a reasonable manner, and so, it was a beautiful day and I ran 20 20.28km and felt amazing!

I'm participating in a 12 week clean eating challenge, however I have no intention of this "challenge" ending after 12 weeks.  I've found this new-to-me way of eating to be refreshing and easy and I'm never, ever hungry.  I've also already noticed a change in my energy level and if I do have A cheat, I really feel lousy afterwards, which is something I've never experienced.

With this challenge comes, well, challenges!
Today's is a question, and it asks me what is the biggest obstacle holding me back from achieving all that I want to.
Good one.
For me to answer this question, I had to first decide what it is I want to achieve.  What are my goals?  From this challenge, from the next six months, or year?  Forever?
So, my goal from this challenge is to get my body into a single digit size.  That is something I haven't done ever in my adult life, so that's huge for me!
I also want to permanently change the way I deal with food and eating in general.  I'll let you know in 11 weeks time if I've succeeded at either one of these goals!

My goals for 6 months and a years time?  To be able to MAINTAIN my aforementioned goals and to be running a half marathon every couple months or so and a marathon every year.  Pain and injury-free.
That's it.
Written down, my goals seem much more attainable and real.

So, first question answered, second one, MUCH more difficult to answer...
Obstables.
And after thinking about it long and hard, I've decided that my fear of "getting there" is my biggest obstacle.
I am genuinely afraid of reaching my goal weight because today I am at my wedding day weight, which also happens to be my lowest adult weight.
I feel good.  I feel like I look OK and I know that I can easily stay at this weight.
But I also know that if I stay the course, I will be a me that I won't hardly recognize.
And that is truly terrifying.
I'm an expert at gaining weight and I'm pretty good at losing it, but I haven't a clue how to maintain it.
This notion may very well be what's held me back for so many years from changing.
Fear of the unknown?  Yup.  That's me!
There again.  Now that it's on the screen in front of me, it seems that if I'm at least aware of it, I can overcome it.
(Hmmmmmm, seems to me I MAY have written a post about obstacles not TOO long ago...).

As far as my running goals, I'm afraid that I will hurt myself again, or worse, re-injure myself.
The thing is, I know that if I become this person I speak of whom I have never met, y'know, the one who wears clothes that can be purchased from the middle of the rack, that my chance of injuring myself decreases.  A lot.
If there is less of me, then there is less stress on my legs.  Legs that will also be stronger and leaner than ever before.  This is very exciting to me and is one of my biggest motivators to "get there".
So, one week down, 11 more to go and surely my forever holds a super healthy me!

Cheers and here's to another squeaky clean week!

Running Teachings

Running has taught me so many things.
I thought I would share some of the ways running has changed my life.
Cliche, I know, but if you're a runner, you know how true this is.

I've been running for a long time, and I've experienced many life changes during that  time.
I'd like to say that running has helped me to get through some of the toughest times of my life, but it has done so much more than that.
I have experienced body numbing, burning eyes, physically painful heartbreak.  Whether caused by a break up, or a death, is not the point.  But I have lived through some awful hurt.  And running has provided me with a sort of sanctuary.
I know that no matter what is happening in my life, good OR bad,  all I need is a pair of running shoes and some road and I can give my brain a chance to breathe.  To absorb the happenings of the day.  To organize and reconnect my thoughts and emotions so that I am not a big ball of "hot mess" at the end of it all.
I'm a strong advocate for mental health and for taking care of one's mind as you would your body.  I can admit that I have an excellent counsellor who I do not hesitate to visit when needed, however part of taking care of one's mental health is having an outlet.
Mine, is running.
I come home after a run, time and time again, and tell my husband, my lovely, no-questions-asked-just-taking-care-of-the-girls-so-Mommy-can-escape husband, that running is my happy place.  And it so is

So, the first running lesson I've learned is that having an outlet is detrimental to my health.

Another lesson I've learned from running is that I can do anything.
It will take time, and it may not be pretty or fast, but I can do absolutely anything I set my mind to.
The best things in life do not happen overnight.  If everything was easy, then there would be no reward from the wait.
Finding your life partner, creating and raising children.  These are obviously some of the "wait's" that provide the most gratifying results, however training for a race or changing one's lifestyle in order to gain maximum health benefits are also extremely fulfilling "wait's".

Lesson number two.  If you're willing to put in the time and commitment, then you can achieve anything.

Being able to overcome my negative self, in order to get out the door to run a short 5km run.  THAT is my newest lesson and probably the one that I will struggle with most for the next phase of my life.  Having children and a busy family can make getting in your miles totally impossible very difficult.
It is so important, though, that I strive to maintain my fitness and health so that I can be a good role model for my family, and so that I can be around for a long time to watch my girls grow up.
My negative self is also the one that tells me I'm too fat, or too wrinkle-y, or not tidy enough, or not organized enough...(I could go on, and I'm sure you can all relate!).  Yet, more important than getting my rear out the door for a run, I need to stay on top of my negative self so that I can try to have a healthy self-esteem and body image to reflect upon my girls.

Third lesson, snub out the neggies so that the positive can shine through.

This post will obviously be a short list of the lessons that running has taught me because after the thousands of miles I've logged over the years, I'm sure I could write a book (and I'm SURE one or two have been written!) about my personal gains through running.

The final lesson I'm going to write about involves overcoming obstacles.
Running obstacles most often include an injury of some sort, or a legitimate life happening that creates a short or long-term set back.  A set-back like surgery, or pregnancy.
A set-back can lead to a falling-from-the-bandwagon, which can lead to a full on quit.
Being able to overcome a challenge, even a quit, is a huge accomplishment for anyone.
I have gone through some short and long term breaks from running, but have always, always come back to running.

Last lesson I've learned is that staying on "the horse" is not the goal, but always being able to get back on, is.

I'm about to go get my gear on and go for a run, which is really great because my monkey girls are both sick and I'm feeling rather helpless, so hopefully when I return I'll be able to feel better that they're both going to be alright and that this too, shall pass.

Happy running!

Dear (Almost) Three-Year-Old Audrey

Tomorrow you turn three years old.

THREE!

Where have the past three years gone!

Here you are on December10,2009.  Bright and Shiny and brand new!

It seems like yesterday that we were packing up a tiny 7lb10oz baby into a too-large carseat to take home. 

I'm writing you a letter because I want to tell you about the crazy amount of joy and absolute sheer happiness that you have brought to our lives.

Since you arrived, we have been able to witness all of your growing-up's.

We have watched you roll, sit, stand, walk, pee on the potty, talk and aside from the typical milestones you've hit, you have grown into one of the coolest chicks we've ever known.

Everyday you astound me!  You have an incredible memory and you love to make up silly songs and just be silly in general!  (That is, afterall, what we live by:  Be Silly~Be Honest~Be Kind.)

I love the way you snuggle with Ellie.  The way you throw your arm over her while you snooze, as if you are her protector.

I also love the way to get so excited over your favorite things - M&M's, Maverick, Mickey Mouse and TRUCKS!

When I come home from running, or bootcamp or just being out, you run to the door and say, "Hi Mom!  How was running/bootcamp/shopping?"

LAWD How I love that!!

I love how right at this very moment, as I write this post, you are tucked right in beside me, with your little arm wiggled under my elbow, and you've just said, "Mom, I love ya'"

Here you are with me at the end of my PB half marathon.
You inspire me to be better!

It's impossble to imagine what our life was like before you, and it's strange how much enrichment one little person can add to to so many lives.

Your grandparents have nicknamed you Sunshine and Vitamin A, and it's easy to understand why.

You.  Are.  Infectious.

I know that someday you will do great things and no matter what, you will always, always make us proud.

 

I'm sure the next three years will go by just as fast (or faster!) than the last, but I want you to know that being your Mom has been one of the best things to ever happen to me and I feel so humbled to know you and experience you every day!

 





Candle Lake
May 2010

I couldn't have known what a wonderful and loving
big sister you would be!

Being silly!  You\re quite good at that!  ;)

You have been at every single one
of my races!  Thank you!

We had so much fun making these memories
and we will have these beautiful photos forever!

You are such a cute little 'imp'
and everytime I see a picture of you, I can't
help but grin!

As a baby, you made us work SO hard for
the tiniest smile!  So we've got lots ot pics like this, ya goofus!

Halloween 2011
Cutest chicken EVER!

We employed you to announce your sisters' impending
arrival!  You were proud before she ever came!

 







Every Year

I was driving to my bootcamp class this evening, when I very suddenly had an awful feeling, in the pit of my stomach that nearly took my breath away and left me with a pain in my gut.
I found myself wondering, what on earth could make me feel this way, and before I could even finish thinking those words, I remembered.
I remembered that around this time, the holiday season, seven years ago, seven years ago, was the time that you were ill and eventually passed.
It still seems fresh, and raw, even after all these years.
I still remember driving, every weekend for seven hours, for weeks and weeks, just to see you for a few days.
I would give almost anything to spend all my weekends driving, however far it be, to see you again.
I remember praying harder and more than I ever had before.  Praying that you would get better.  Praying that you wouldn't suffer anymore, but that you would recover and come home.  Praying that this wasn't your time, because you're one of the good ones.
I remember and feel the pain as if it happened yesterday.

I wish that you could have met my husband, and our beautiful children.  One of whom is named after you.
I wish that you could have met all the new members of our family.
I wish that you were here with us, instead of in heaven watching over us.

The songs they played at your funeral, I Can Only Imagine and Silent Night, still bring tears to my eyes in an instant.
It's true that time heals, but time doesn't forget, and I'm grateful for that.
I will never, ever forget you.

I miss you Grandpa, and I love you.

The Evolution

It amazes me how different my two children are, and also how my love for them can be so different.

Audrey is nearly three years old and so we've had the pleasure of having her in our lives for much longer than Ellie.
I don't know if the diversity of love for one's children is a taboo subject because it may imply that there is an inequality, or if it simply isn't something we discuss because at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.  In any case, it is something I could not have known I would feel.
The analogy I use for this is to have a new car.
I know, children should not be compared to cars, but for the sake of a comparison, I'm goin' there!

Having a new baby is like waking up every morning knowing that there is a brand new car in your drive way, except the novelty lasts much longer than that of a new car.  ;)
Having a toddler is like waking up every morning knowing there is a brand new car in your drive way also.
Except that car is a Lamborghini.

I love my children without exception and without question and I would never, ever, ever say that I love either one of them 'more', because that will never be the case.
The difference is, that we have had three years of Audrey, and only 5 months of Ellie.
We have had the chance already to watch Audrey grow, change and develop into a dynamic and interesting little girl.
I know we will have the same opportunities with Ellie, and I'm so very grateful for that.

I found a RARE photo of the four of us on Ellie's 'birth'day!
She's only a handful of minutes old!

I'm unsure of how my love for them will change in another three years, but the thought that we will be lucky enough to go through this again with another beautiful little gaffer, is enough to make me wake up every day excited - both for the brand new Toyota and the Lamborghini!

Goals, Inspirations & Aspirations

Goals, inspirations and aspirations...
What's the diff?

To me, a goal is something I am GOING to do.
I've registered for the Hypothermic Half Marathon for February 10, 2013.

An inspiration is someone, or something that makes me want to go for a run, or workout, or get outside my comfort zone.

An aspiration is something that I WANT to do.
I recently read a story about a friend of a friend (this story is actually true, I promise!), who lost 125lbs over the course of 5 years, and just yesterday completed an Ironman.
The whole thing.
By herself.

This story INSPIRED me to ASPIRE to do an ironman.

I was also inspired to register for the Hypothermic Half today, which means that I will do it.
Check it out, I'm on the confirmed list!
Any runner knows that if you drop $73 on a race, there's almost nothing that will stop you from getting your arse to the start line!

This story also sparked my interest in doing another marathon (I'm aiming for the Edmonton Intact in August 2013), and in a few years, after some triathlons (I'm also aiming to do three sprint triathlons over the course of the summer of 2013!), to train for and complete an ironman myself.

When I finish the 1/2 marathon in February, and I'm sure I haven't sustained any more injuries or aggravated the old ones, I plan to register for the Intact marathon and continue training, which means that from this point on, and until mid August, my Sundays will have long runs and my weeks will be filled with bootcamp, short weekday runs and hill runs.

I feel like training is an innate part of my identity.
Knowing that my legs can carry my body over some tremendous distances, has absolutely helped to shape the person I am today.
There have been countless times during my life that I have drawn upon my running experiences to get through a difficult or stressful situation.
Most recently, during my labour with Ellie, when I felt weak, I remember saying to my husband that I felt like I was at mile 20 of the marathon.
At mile 20, I stopped.
I said to my brother and Dad that I was tired, and sore and that 20 miles was enough.
Of course, I didn't stop and I finished the marathon.
All 26.2miles of it.

So, my life is once again dedicated to training and running a couple of large events in the coming months and I really, honestly couldn't be more thrilled!

I'm excited for what my athletic future holds and I hope that I can add triathlete to my sporting resume.
I aspire to someday be assigned an ironman race number that my friends and family can follow during the day-long event!

Thank you Deirdre for sharing your friends' story!
If you happen to read this, please let her know that she has inspired me!

If You Always Do What You've Always Done...

...Then you'll always get what you've always got.

This saying has resonated with me for the past few months, and today, as I was running, I felt stronger and faster as a result.

I've been a runner for more than 15 years, and I've worked out, or done some kind of exercise on a very regular basis, for longer than that.
Long story short, exercise has never been something I'm afraid of, and particularly, intense exercise.

For as many years as I would consider myself a regular exerciser, I've also been anywhere from slightly overweight to obese, by a BMI standard.  My scale has frequently registered a 2 in front of the rest of the numbers.  So frequently, that it has never fazed me.  And I don't consider that a bad thing.  Not attaching my self-worth to the number on the scale is a GOOD thing.
And I'm still not trying to amount myself to numbers on a scale, don't get me wrong.
My point is that I feel that I have found my perfect (or close to!) personal equation.  I have found a healthy way to eat and an exercise balance that is simply resulting in weight loss, and more importantly, the fittest me that has ever existed.

As I was out for my 5.5km run, for the second day in a row, I found myself feeling lighter on my feet.  I did not struggle at any point, even the hills, and my normally 38-40 minute time has now become 32-33.
I feel incredible.
I can't help but smile for much of my run, as I repeat in my head the mantra that titles this post.

For my entire life, I have been stuck in an exercise and food 'rut', and now, at 31 years old, I've come out of it!

That's a long time!  However, if it was all to get to this point, then it was all worth it.

Since the day I had Miss E, I am down 44lbs.  But this is not the end, by any stretch, but more like the mid-way point.  I can feel myself slipping into a comfort zone, as my clothes all fit, well, and when I look in the mirror I'm happy with what I see.
My goal isn't necessarily to weigh a certain number (if anyone's seen Knocked Up, I'm not going to choose a number on the scale and then, weigh that!), but rather to continue to eat well and exercise and let my body take care of the rest.
I have taken a picture a couple of weeks ago, and I have yet to decide if I'm going to share it at any point, so count yourself lucky if it ever shows up here because it took a lot of guts simply to TAKE the intrepid bikini photo!

I'm going to leave a link to my current favourite running song, and if it happens to inspire you to pound out a few kilometers, I'm sorry.  Except that I'm not, because if you've read this and you want to go for a run, that's fantastic and I encourage you to do it!  You will NOT regret it!  ;)

Sweet Nothing - Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch