Junkie

Food addiction.
Binge eating.

It's difficult for me to even write those things, and yet, terms like this have defined me for much of a my life, almost 30 years, in a closeted kind of way.

Do you think that as an alcoholic is heavy within the clutches of the addiction, that they are telling people that they're an addict?  How about a drug user?  I'm quite sure it's not until any kind of addict seeks sobriety, will they be open to calling themselves an addict.

I had a very difficult day the other day.  For no particular reason, was it a bad day.  Just a few, little things, that got to me in a way that was not proportionate to their gravity.

It was so bad, that I reached out to my nutrition coach, to ask her if the urge to binge ever goes away.
In one moment of that day, I felt overwhelmed with the desire to make myself feel better with food.

This has been my cycle, to some degree, for almost as long as I can remember.  I have medicated myself with food, just as an addict would with wine, or prescription drugs, or gambling.
We have a "crutch", to help us get through the crap parts of life, and sometimes, a lot of times, I would even say, this crutch is simply an addiction that we haven't faced yet.

I remember making a bowl of raw cookie dough and eating the entire thing.  I would take a bag of cookies out of the pantry and eat the entire thing.  Oreos were my choice, if given one.  I also remember shaving bits off of a cake, in the hopes that maybe no one would notice that 1/3 of it had been eaten.  It filled the hole.  It made me feel so comforted and almost euphoric, for a moment.
I still know this feeling.  I remember.

I worked through my moment of weakness.  I did not binge.  I stuck to my planned macros, and I felt so very accomplished at the end of that day.

I am working on sobriety.  Isn't that an interesting way to think about it?
I am trying very, very hard to stay sober from binge eating.

I realize that there are people who binge a lot more, or more frequently than myself.  I also know that there are alcoholics who can put down a flat of beer and a couple of two sixes a day, and others who are drinking a bottle of wine every evening.

Potato, po-tah-toe.  Addiction is addiction.

In my mind, on that day, I was simply facing some demons.  Sobriety is hard.  Stopping a food addiction cycle is hard because food is required to live.  Moscato, not so much.

For a lot of my life, though, I was living to eat.  I mean, really living in the anticipation of what I was going to eat next.
I still do, but now there is thought behind what's coming next and I feel good afterwards, instead of guilty and remorseful.

I wondered if I should even post something about this day and this light bulb moment for me, but then, just like many of my posts, I remembered that there is almost certainly someone struggling or dealing with the exact thing I was that day.
I have never gone to a self help meeting.
I have sought help, but it was in the form of therapy and now my phenomenal nutrition coach.

Addiction can be overwhelming. Gripping.  It can be stifling and suffocating.
I knew I needed to get past that moment, but I wasn't sure how.

I'm sure I will still have these feelings.  I'm sure they'll always creep up when I'm feeling weak.  I'm also sure that as I learn about myself, and my triggers and that I am abso-freaking-lutely deserving of everything I work for, that I will be able to stamp them out with more and more ease and resolution.

I feel strong today, and I am so proud that on that day I was able to do the right thing, and reach out to my support, instead of burying myself in a box of timbits.

Progress...sometimes bit, sometimes small.  But always getting better.

A Few Things About Me

I'm never sure how many people actually read my blog, and I write it more so I have a story to pass along to my kids, and their kids, but today I thought I'd randomize it!

I'm also not sure how much "story" I've ever shared, and so I thought I'd share an entire post about me, and a bit about how I've ended up here.

A few things you might not know about me?  Maybe you do?  I love to eat.  I do.  I'm usually thinking about eating WHILE I'm eating.  I equally love to lift weight and move my bod, but that hasn't always been a good balance!

Good, nice hotels are one of my favorite things in the world.
Falling into a perfectly made, all white bed is my heaven!  Add some food, in bed, and now we're talkin'!

I will forever and always be an optimist.  I like to think that I will try to find the good in any situation, though I might find anger and frustration along the way, too!


I am also an introvert.  My most comfortable place is my home, with my people.  And that's it.  I struggle hard to be a scheduled, organized, play date Mom, and fail, usually.  That being said, I also love the group atmosphere of the gym, which is a little weird!  The people there are like family,so it wasn't awkward for long!

I have almost always been involved in sports in some way.
I swam competitively until I was 15.  My events were always distance.  I have been built for endurance my entire life!
I played almost every sport in High School, and to this day, many of my favorite people are from those days!

I played on the senior volleyball team when I was in grade 11.  But was cut for my grade 12 year, and that is still a painful memory for me.

I have been in love three times.  I have had my heart pulverized once. 
When I met my husband, I thought we were going to have so much fun, and then by summers end, be done.  He continues to break the rules and though I don't believe in soulmates, he is my best friend and our relationship is one of my greatest accomplishments.

I don't have a flying clue how to do hair or makeup, and I would really like to learn!  Takers??

I have a degree in Lab Science, and of four years of mainly science classes, my best grade was in English!

One of my greatest fears is letting go of my children.  What if I've failed them in some fundamental way?  What if something happens to them?  What if people are mean to them, and they are too soft to handle it?  I waste a fair amount of time worrying about silly things, but for the most part, I'm a chilled out person.  Those "what if's?" can be all encompassing, though, hey?

I am messy and disorganized and I like to fly by the seat of my pants.  I do not live and breathe by a calendar. I feel that this can be frustrating to the people in my life, sometimes!

My Mom and I have complimentary tattoos.  I also have a big piece on my back, and I'm pining for another one from a different artist.  All are done by girl artists.

I have never, and would never classify my body as skinny, or small.  I have battled with my weight for as long as I can remember.
Much of this blog is about my most recent years, and also most successful.  With age comes wisdom, or something like that.  Also, I don't give a flying eff what anyone thinks of my body anymore.  This has been SO liberating!

I am a runner.  My one true passion is running.  I cannot wait to run races with my kids!
I have run 13 half marathons and 2 full marathons.  Nothing has shaped me, or taught me more about life, than running.

I am only now at a place in my life where I do not worry about food, and about what will happen if I fail.  I'm not failing.  I won't fail.  It's up to me, but it's not scary or stressful anymore.  I have been overweight my entire life.  Sometimes as much as 80lbs - not pregnant.  I have gained and lost a mitful of times, but I wouldn't categorize myself as a "yo yo dieter", as I've never been at a goal weight long enough!  I tend to just stay overweight, to varying degrees.

I can't even say, "this time is different!", or, "this time will be the last time!", because truly, this time doesn't feel like some path I'm trudging down to get to a terrifying and unknown destination. This time doesn't feel like I'm going through one set of motions in the hope that once I "arrive", I will then switch to another set, with a sigh of relief.  All I'm doing is being consistent, accountable and planning a little bit, and as a nice result, I happen to be transforming my body.  This time I'm not frightened.

Food Control

Everything is bad for you.

Ever think to yourself, "I can't eat that."

Yeah.  Me too.

I do it all the time.
Many times, I actually think to myself, "I am eating according to my goals, and that donut/cake/fourth-slice-of-pizza doesn't work for my purposes."

I can, in fact, eat that, (whatever it may be), but it means I will have to make room for it somewhere in my calories for the day, or, I don't make room for it, and accept the consequences of that choice.

I am a grown ass woman, and every time I'm at the grocery store, and that heavenly scent gets to my nose, y'know, the fresh baked bread/cookies/something from a lovin' oven...my mouth waters.

It is a powerful, powerful choice not to pile trash into ones cart.  It is a choice to load up on good, healthful foods.  There's not one damn thing stopping me from grabbing the 40pk of powdered donuts.  Not one.  Except my own self.  And the fact that I value my body too much, and know my self too well, that I won't buy them.

I can buy them.
I just won't.

Can't and won't are really different words, and give power one way or the other.
Food doesn't have a lick of control over me, so why the hell would I give it that?

Now that I've written about powdered donuts, I'll be wanting one for the rest of the day...better work something into my day for tomorrow!
(For the record, I don't even really like those 108 day old donuts, but don't you always think they're going to taste good?  They don't.  I'll save you the $4.99...)

I'd be lying if I didn't say that a part of me exercises in order to eat.
I do.  Working out doesn't buy you a whole lot of calories, but I can safely say that I can eat an additional couple hundred a day compared to a sedentary version of me.
My most recent realization is that those extra calories can make or break my workouts.  Good fuel = good outcomes.

In my normal life, I am a distance runner, but I am taking a break due to injury.
(I might also be falling entirely and hopelessly in love with lifting.  *sigh.
I heart my barbell.)
When you are training for long, long distances, and running upwards of 40km a week, you can eat a little bit more.
My drug fuel of choice was always, always baked goods.

Costco cookies?  Hell yes.
Two bite brownies?  Get in ma' belly.
Any kind of pretty, flaky pastry?  Mmmmmmm hmmmmmmm!

Carbs.  Carb load day is truly the most glorious day, and although I never dared step on the scale, and I knew that my food was going to be stored fuel for a 2,3,4 hour run the next day, I loved every minute of it.  I run for two reasons - mental clarity, and food.  The end.

I'm sure I could have chosen more healthful options, but my own body responds well to processed carbs during long runs.
No leafy green things and no whole grain anything.  White, glue-y carbs.  The.  Best.
Also, though, no fried foods, so although I would love to be a donut fueled runner, that would be as disastrous as a giant salad.

I miss those days sometimes, and I feel as though when I do get back to running, I will be older, and let's face it, this body needs a little more care than I've given it in past.  I may not be able to eat the highly processed stuff, and I may be hanging up my shoes for marathons, but I will tentatively venture there when the time comes.

Til then, I'll just keep lifting heavy things and putting them down, and maybe adding a few miles in every week.

As for those sinful glue-y foods?  They're no good for lifting, so I indulge very, very infrequently now!
(That's a win, if you're counting!)

A Lifetime of Counting

I wrote this in November.  It's not new, just newly published.

I am so, so sick of salads.
I have been eating salads since I was around 7.
I don't mean that I occasionally ate salads, I mean I actually ate salads almost daily since I was 7.
My Mom tells me about a time some family had gone out for breakfast, and I tried to order a salad.
For breakfast.
Salad.
Eff.

All through high school.
Chopping lettuce.

University?
Lettuce.

I know that loads of people eat salad a lot.
But I feel like I can safely say that I've been eating them for around 10 years longer than the average person.

Sometimes I feel cheated because I have always struggled with extra poundage, and yet, I've never, ever been able to indulge.  Eat whatever I want.
During high school, I remember the hoards ordering plates of fries and gravy day after day.

Instead, I ate rice cake peanut butter sandwiches.
Chicken broth and melba toast.
Vegetarian pizza pops.
Because, at least there were a few reconstituted veggies in there, right?!?!

Even then I knew that those pizza nuggets were deep fried, and not a good choice.

Before counting calories, or macros, or weight watchers points was a "thing", I bought books from the store and memorized calorie counts of common foods.
(I was constantly pointing out to my friends how many calories their food choices had - sorry guys!)

Many people I talk to about weight issues will say that when they got out of high school/turned 30,40,50.../got married/insert major life event, is when keeping weight off became difficult.

I can empathize, however I've been going to weight watchers since I was 7.
Grade two.

So when I chat with you, and at 35 you're finally having to watch what you eat, I kinda' wanna punch pinch you.
If you've gone most of your life not having to pay attention to what you eat?
I envy you more than you can know.
There are far worse burdens to carry, however carefully watching my intake has been mine for my entire life.

The whole thing.

I've been a bit too relaxed with my eating habits lately, and a few pounds have found their way onto my body.  I'm aware.  I'm uncomfortable.  And I know I need to tighten up my diet and put more colorful food into my mouth.

Of course, today has been a good, solid Monday, but I'm going to finish off the box of girl guide cookies we bought today.

Don't worry.  I shared.
That's a lie.
I ate all the vanilla ones by myself.
They were delicious.
Never miss a Monday though, right?

Me & Him

I tend to only post sporadically about my husband because I mean for my blog to be about my own personal journey, but today I want to share a little about him.

Marriage isn't always peachy.
Social media shows us all the beauty in peoples lives, but you won't find the pictures or posts about everyone's struggles.
That, we all keep to ourselves.
Sometimes, there is nothing more than a name change and some pictures of a past life seem to disappear and the slate is wiped clean.
That's the beauty of social media.
It is whatever we want it to be.

But I've found, that there is something endearing about the ugly bits of marriage.
The parts that we keep out of the limelight, and to ourselves.
We hash it out, and learn a little, and still decide that being together is the best choice.
And in some cases, it's not.

And no matter the outcome, we're stronger because of it.

My husband is, what I might call, an old-fashioned man.
A "man's man", if you will.

He's not too in touch with his feelings, but he knows when it's important to reach down deep and figure things out.
Sometimes, because I've said, "figure your sh*t out."
He is, very, very clever.
He is the rock, where I am allowed to be soft and emotional.
We fight, and sometimes say mean things to each other.
Reeeeeally mean things.
We are far, far from a perfect couple, but we choose to remain on the same team because, truthfully, it's generally a super cool team to be on.
And every day, I'm glad he's stuck with me.

I was having a bit of anxiety over my oldest kid starting grade two this past year.
I know it's not a big deal, really, and I'm not upset because she's growing up so fast, (she is, for the record), it's that in a short time she will be bringing homework home and I'm nervous for the day I won't be able to help her with math because it was never a strong subject for me.
I cannot begin to tell you how much I love the fact that my husband will take great pleasure in re-figuring out how to do the math with her, as well as the other two, when the time comes.
I just said pleasure, as in, he is probably already excited for this.
My partner is going to fill in the gaps.
We will figure things out, together.

Even on the days I tell him I want to break up, because I'm hormonal and he forgot to stop at Costco, so now I have to go tomorrow, with three kids because he has a business lunch at a fancy restaurant with some big wigs, and it's just not fair.
Even then, I choose him.

There are days when he is not my favourite person.
Many days.
We have three little kids, and we have to coordinate schedules and try to make sure everyone is doing enough of the things they want to do, so there's minimal complaining when we have to do the things they're not so fond of doing.
With five lives being lead, under one roof, and of the five lives, only two of which are by grownups, that leaves a lot of chores to do, and a lot of parenting.
We're tired.
All the time.  Like, we don't even talk about how tired we are, because it's just simply assumed that neither one of us got three or four straight hours of sleep, in the past six years, and we're OK with it now.
We created this life together, and that's simply one of the unfortunate consequences.
The rest of the consequences are so, so awesome.

We make sure to take time for each other, and try to reconnect on a regular basis so that we're simply not tag-teaming the kids while we go do our own things.
We ask for help so we can go on dates.
We went on three dates over one weekend, simply because we had sitters and we need to take advantage sometimes!
Those three dates were "banked" for the weeks that will go by with no dates!

My guy is incredible, and loves his family fiercely and all those years ago, when I met him, I could never have dreamed that he'd be the man he is today, and that we would be leading this wild and crazy life together.
I could never have imagined that after a decade, I still sometimes stop him mid-sentence to lay some sugar on him.
When I met him, I distinctly remember thinking, "Yea, this one could be fun for a little while!"
I wasn't interested in marriage or kids.  And neither was he.
And yet, here we are, ten years later, and we are pretty darn great together.

How a Mom is Born

This is a bit of a different post, for me.
I usually chat about my day to day life, but this is something that's near and dear to my heart.
If I ever win the lottery, I will immediately apply to Midwife school and then I will offer it for free.
I wish that everyone who wanted a midwife, could have one.

I've had three babies.
Three different birth experiences.

Bringing a baby into the world really doesn't take very long.
It is rather a daunting task while you are pregnant with the child you will eventually birth, but in reality, it's a small, small portion of time.

And yet, any group of women who have had babies, will almost always get around to sharing their birth stories.
It's our rite of passage.
Our common denominator.

If you have children, then you (or someone), gave birth to them.

How is it, though, that those hours, or, sometimes minutes, and (bless you) in some cases, days, can shape a woman so distinctly?

I mourn the birth I never got to have with my first.
I think that's OK.
I wish it had been different, and I had've been  stronger, or more resilient.
I wish I hadn't eaten so many peanut butter cups for breakfast, and had pre-eclampsia.
I learned from the experience, but the truth is that in some ways, I feel like I failed her before I ever laid eyes on her.

The birth of my second and third babies were entirely different experiences from my first.
I'm a midwifery advocate and I wish it was more available, but I would like to think that I don't push midwifery care on anyone who isn't interested.

If I told you that my second two births were much more calm, even serene, and connected me to my husband in a way I can't put into words, would I be strung up for ostracizing hospital births?
How about if I had a hospital birth myself and could actually compare births from a personal point of view?

Epidurals?
Fantastic!
Once I got mine in the hospital, I was sailin'!

Natural birth with no drugs whatsoever?
Life changing.
I have run marathons and lifted gigantic amounts of weights (at least, for me), and I've never felt more powerful than when I had those babies.

Everyone has a different birth story to tell, and no one is better, or worse, than any other.
They are personal, and so sometimes won't be shared.
We are allowed to have negative feelings about our experiences, but the fact is, that the end result is the children who now live in our homes, and more importantly, hearts.

If you're a woman and are interested in the strength of your body,  then I strongly encourage you to seek out a midwife early on in your pregnancy.
If you're a woman and you're not too fond of pain and would just like to get the drugs,  have a baby and get home, I would also encourage you to seek out a midwife.
If you could give a flying hoot who takes care of you during your pregnancy, and you'll take any and all drugs, then good on you too!  All we have to do, is help these babes evacuate the premises, in a safe way for Momma and baby.

There is hoards of research to try and help you make an informed choice, but it's important that expecting or soon to be expecting Moms know that you are free to choose a caregiver for your pregnancy, and mostly, I encourage you to do that.
Select a caregiver.

Fries, no gravy. And diet coke, please.

I've just set the kids down with their dinner.
A double package of MrNoodles split into three bowls, and one snack plate with cucumber, cheese and veggie straws.
Y'know, for the vitamins.
I use to give them each a snack plate, but I got tired of throwing away two entire plates of food, and one that was nibbled on.
Now I just throw away one plate of food, and put three, empty noodle bowls into the dishwasher.

My own eating is pretty darn healthy.  Lots of veggies and lean meats, fruits, cheese, smoothies.
I'd like to say that my good habits will eventually fall onto my kids, but the fact that I scraped a plate with tiny pepper pieces that had previously been in meatballs, from the other adult individual, who I will not name, who also lives at this house, says that I'm not entirely confident in this.

I have a long way to go in my wellness endeavors.
I've come a long way, but just yesterday I had an overwhelming desire to eat some raw cookie dough.  Not even a choice binge for me, but the desire was there, nonetheless.

I "built" a cookie into the following day, which was really satisfying not only to look forward to, but to devour, post workout.

I also still, preeeeetty much all the time have the desire to abandon all notions of health and wellness and eat pizza, and wings and beer...

And I still may.  Probably will, one night, truth be told, which is OK, just not so frequently as it's not a damn good treat.

I've been inspired to write a bit about the beginnings of my struggles with weight.  The actual beginning was when I was around five.

A relatively traumatic event happened to me, at the hands of a stranger, and I started gaining weight, unintentionally, for lack of a better word.
(Later in my life, during counselling sessions, I learned that this is a common response for young children.  We think that if we're "bigger", then the bad thing won't happen to us again.)

I wouldn't say that my struggle with my weight began until I was around 15 or 16, though, as I never remember being concerned too much.

During high school, I played almost every sport.  I also swam competitively until I was 15, outside of school, so fitness has truly been a part of life forever.
I didn't focus a lot on what I ate, but I do remember restricting and counting calories, but also binging.
I started drinking diet coke in high school, and I rarely, rarely had fries at the school cafeteria.
And never, with gravy.

I don't remember my friends every having anything to say about my size, but I do remember a particularly jaded boy I had broken up with, telling me I was fat.
At the time, I was probably a size 10, and fit.
But I still had a little belly.  I've never, ever had a flat belly.

That teeny, tiny moment in time had a profound effect on me, and is still a strong memory.

I also had a boy I was seeing in my early twenties, tell me that he didn't see my obesity as a problem.
I never spoke to him again after that, though I recall my cell phone "blowing up", and this was before that was a commonly used term.

My true struggles, difficult and grand, as they were, began after my grandpa died.
I piled on weight.  Fast.  Forty pounds in 6 months, and it only got worse, but I stopped getting on the scale.
My size 16 clothes, that fit like sausage casings, told me the truth.

Getting under 200lbs is still one of the greatest things to happen to me.  It felt like exploding a glass ceiling.  Like I could have easily stayed where I was, and probably had a different, but still content life, or I could start dreaming and reaching giant goals. 
I decided to try to reach my full potential.

It took a long time, and I still gain weight easily.
Creating healthy habits starts from childhood, but it's not "ingrained", I don't think.
Many people, are able to recognize that they grew up eating less than nutritional things, and correcting it.
I buy ichiban in bulk at Costco.  I also buy cucumbers, peppers, carrots, cheese, yogurt...
I'm trying not to feel badly about the junk they eat, because, after all, they're still kids, and should get to eat junk a little more often.

My advice to my teenaged self?
Eat the pizza pop.  Your metabolism is at it's prime, now, girl!
Also, you look just fine.