Soul Freedom

Cliques.  Bullies. Drama.
Didn't you think that after high school you'd leave it all behind?
I did!
But guess what?  These people exist throughout the course of our lives.
Being able to just be grateful for what we have and not worry about these happenings going on around us is something that can bring peace and contentment in our day to day lives.
But it's definitely not easy.
Do I wish that losing weight was easier?
Yep.
Do I wish that I had nicer hair or skin?
You betcha.
Do I wish that I could keep in better touch with my friends and family?
Of course!
I have been dealt these cards and really, at the end of the day, I have a pretty fantastic life and if the hardest obstacle for me to overcome is my weight, then that's petty in comparison to the challenges that many others face.

I know that everyone has endured something in their lives that has caused them hurt and pain.
I'm no different.
As I get older, I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot control other people, but I can control how I react.

This is not a new concept, however, to truly live this, brings a personal peace like no other.

To be able to forgive people, especially without them knowing, can free your soul and take a huge, invisible weight off your shoulders.

I find it exhausting to continue to use my brain space on people and things that I do not value.  I need to let go of parts of my past that leave me heavy chested and stressed.
I recall a saying that goes along the lines of, the best revenge is to live a good life.
Revenge for what?  Is that even the right word?
How about, live a good life.
Period.
Why does it need to be an in your face kind of thing?  The bullies and the cliques and the drama will always be there.  Live a great life anyway.

I'm sure as I get older and gain life experience, I will look back on moments that seemed life changing at the time, and see them as trivial and juvenile.
But even this is a personal choice, and essentially, a reaction to a circumstance.
I thought that high school drama would be left in high school and that the older I got, the further it would be left behind, but each person is entitled to live their own life and some people either enjoy their life and some maybe can't let go of the past.
I used to view people who were 5 or 10 or 15 years older than me, as more mature.
I guess I just assumed that, but again, as I get older, I'm learning that maturity is not a guarantee or a rite of passage, but rather a choice to wake up, each day, and live a good life.

So many of the hardest lessons in life are also the most worthy and rewarding.  And of course, it won't be easy to learn these lessons or we wouldn't put much value in them!
I know in my own life I struggle to focus on myself and my family and I find myself worrying about "the small stuff".
I also know that when I DO focus on my highest values, I feel good.  I feel focused and powerful and clear.
And I know that my soul is freed.
Because I let it be.

Love Letters

To our super sweet Audrey,
 I want to take this time to tell you what a beautiful, intelligent, funny young lady you're becoming.
Since the moment you were placed into our arms, you have brought your Daddy and I more joy than we thought our hearts could hold.
You inspire us to be our best selves and you have made our purpose in life seem obvious.
I absolutely adore you and being your Mom is an honor.
I hope that you continue to grow and explore and that you're never afraid to take the step beyond your comfort zone, because even if you happen to stumble, your Daddy and I will always be waiting to catch you.
I certainly don't need a holiday to tell you these things, however Valentine's Day was a good deadline for me to post about the crazy amount of love I feel for you.
XOXO
Forever and always, you'll have our whole hearts
Mommy & Daddy

To our feisty and fearless Ellie,
You have been apart of our family for less than a year and it is already impossible to imagine what our lives must have been like before you!
You truly are the happiest girl on the planet and although you definitely keep us on our toes way more than we needed to be with your older sister, we love you in a way that words cannot quite capture.
I simply can't wait to watch you and your sister grow up and I'm so happy that your Dad and I will get to be a part of it all.
Please know that we love you and cherish you so very much and you will always be our little girl.
XOXO
We love you bigger than Texas
Mommy & Daddy

And finally,

To my Blake,
I'm never quite sure how to tell you how I feel about you, because I assume that you know, but just in case you didn't...
Since the day I met you - March 22, 2007, I knew you were different.  Special.  Meant for me.
You have made my life spectacular.  I have never treasured or valued anything more than you.
Even after six years (six?!  Really?!), I am in awe of your ambition, drive and tenacity.
You are an incredible man and I feel so proud and contented to be your wife.
When I see you with our daughters, it brings instant tears to my eyes and warms my heart right up through my chest.  My love and joy can't be contained because I find myself smiling at the most random times, every day, just at the thought of my beautiful life.
Thank you for loving me, fiercely.  I have never once doubted your love for me and that is the greatest gift I have ever received.
I love you today more than I have ever loved another and to know that I get to love you for the rest of my life is absolutely something to look forward to.
I can't wait to watch our girls grow into the lovely young women I know they're destined to become.
And then I can't wait to grow up with you.
We have a great life together.

I love you.  Always.
Heather

No Diets Allowed.

I was sweeping the floor today and happened to find a blue M&M in the pile.
Correction.
Audrey found the blue M&M.
And then she ate it.

We're a resourceful bunch.

There was a time in my life when I made sure that my house was clean so that Audrey (I say Audrey because that time is sooooooooo over, like, it was over WAY before Ellie was ever even a consideration) didn't get dirty playing or put some inanimate object into her mouth.
Now, so long as neither one of the girls are currently, physically choking on something, I consider my house clean.
It's amazing how cleaning standards can fall a little bit once you get married, because, let's face it, you got him.
And then they fall a few more steps once your first little person arrives because you just simply don't have the time or energy to maintain a impeccable clean tidy home, and really, you have the absolute best excuse for having a messy home - a newborn!
Now, by the time your second bundle of awesome-ness comes home, your first is at a stage where toys are simply objects to be dumped from their homes and left on the floor.
For the maid Mom to clean up.
So, really, why even bother?

This post is not intended for me to confess about how untidy my house is (literally, as I sit here, my coffee table has a juicebox, 3 magazines, a photo album, an iPad, a staple remover (what?), a water bottle AND a build-a-bear on it), so I am going to get to the point...soon.

At our challenge meeting last week, we spoke about how we are teaching the next generation about how it's all or nothing, and this does not apply only to our eating habits.  This messed up mentality is spilling over into other areas of our lives.
I want to address only the subject of food, because if I start talking about other things like housecleaners and toddler schedules and vacations, I will get off onto a crazy tangent.

We spoke about how our young people, and I hesitate to say girls in particular, because I think that boys are becoming affected more and more, are growing up in a world where many parents are either not concerned with nutrition in the least, or they're borderline obsessed with it.
How do we create a healthy balance?
How do we teach our children that there is no "bad" food, just "red light" food, as my own Mother teaches her second graders?
How do we emphasize that eating healthy, fresh, nutritious food is as enjoyable as the birthday party cupcake?

I want for my 'cupcake' to not worry about eating
an occasional cupcake!

This, I truly believe, is the greatest nutritional obstacle in parenting.
I want to be able to raise children who will make wise choices because it's good for their bodies but also because they enjoy it!  And I would also like for them to be able to enjoy their vacation, or their birthday party or Easter morning egg hunts, because they're not worrying about the calories.
Obviously, I'm still learning how to create this balance myself, so to be able to be a good example for my children is an even bigger work in progress, however I really do hope that one day our whole family has this balance, and without much thought.

I have been participating in this challenge for several weeks now and I already consider myself a clean eater.  It has come so easily to me and felt so natural, that I really won't consider every living any other way.
It's such a simple concept, and yet I do have to think about what I'm putting into my body.  I think that's what sets this way of eating apart from many others.  There will never be a completely thoughtless meal.  Each time, I am considering what I'm eating.  I am planning to succeed and I am planning to continue to be successful.
I recently purchased new jeans which have a waist size that starts with a 2, not a 3 - which is a first for me in a L-O-N-G time (if ever?) and I also purchased a new shirt in a size medium.  Medium!?
I know that the ultimate goal of all of this really isn't about the numbers or the sizes, but I can't help but be excited in the small victories.  The small victories are what will get me to the biggest one, and that's something.

The Challenge

I ran 20km yesterday and felt so fantastic.
This was the furthest I'd ever run since my Vegas incident, so I was understandably nervous about it, but I've been treating my body well and working up to this distance in a reasonable manner, and so, it was a beautiful day and I ran 20 20.28km and felt amazing!

I'm participating in a 12 week clean eating challenge, however I have no intention of this "challenge" ending after 12 weeks.  I've found this new-to-me way of eating to be refreshing and easy and I'm never, ever hungry.  I've also already noticed a change in my energy level and if I do have A cheat, I really feel lousy afterwards, which is something I've never experienced.

With this challenge comes, well, challenges!
Today's is a question, and it asks me what is the biggest obstacle holding me back from achieving all that I want to.
Good one.
For me to answer this question, I had to first decide what it is I want to achieve.  What are my goals?  From this challenge, from the next six months, or year?  Forever?
So, my goal from this challenge is to get my body into a single digit size.  That is something I haven't done ever in my adult life, so that's huge for me!
I also want to permanently change the way I deal with food and eating in general.  I'll let you know in 11 weeks time if I've succeeded at either one of these goals!

My goals for 6 months and a years time?  To be able to MAINTAIN my aforementioned goals and to be running a half marathon every couple months or so and a marathon every year.  Pain and injury-free.
That's it.
Written down, my goals seem much more attainable and real.

So, first question answered, second one, MUCH more difficult to answer...
Obstables.
And after thinking about it long and hard, I've decided that my fear of "getting there" is my biggest obstacle.
I am genuinely afraid of reaching my goal weight because today I am at my wedding day weight, which also happens to be my lowest adult weight.
I feel good.  I feel like I look OK and I know that I can easily stay at this weight.
But I also know that if I stay the course, I will be a me that I won't hardly recognize.
And that is truly terrifying.
I'm an expert at gaining weight and I'm pretty good at losing it, but I haven't a clue how to maintain it.
This notion may very well be what's held me back for so many years from changing.
Fear of the unknown?  Yup.  That's me!
There again.  Now that it's on the screen in front of me, it seems that if I'm at least aware of it, I can overcome it.
(Hmmmmmm, seems to me I MAY have written a post about obstacles not TOO long ago...).

As far as my running goals, I'm afraid that I will hurt myself again, or worse, re-injure myself.
The thing is, I know that if I become this person I speak of whom I have never met, y'know, the one who wears clothes that can be purchased from the middle of the rack, that my chance of injuring myself decreases.  A lot.
If there is less of me, then there is less stress on my legs.  Legs that will also be stronger and leaner than ever before.  This is very exciting to me and is one of my biggest motivators to "get there".
So, one week down, 11 more to go and surely my forever holds a super healthy me!

Cheers and here's to another squeaky clean week!

Running Teachings

Running has taught me so many things.
I thought I would share some of the ways running has changed my life.
Cliche, I know, but if you're a runner, you know how true this is.

I've been running for a long time, and I've experienced many life changes during that  time.
I'd like to say that running has helped me to get through some of the toughest times of my life, but it has done so much more than that.
I have experienced body numbing, burning eyes, physically painful heartbreak.  Whether caused by a break up, or a death, is not the point.  But I have lived through some awful hurt.  And running has provided me with a sort of sanctuary.
I know that no matter what is happening in my life, good OR bad,  all I need is a pair of running shoes and some road and I can give my brain a chance to breathe.  To absorb the happenings of the day.  To organize and reconnect my thoughts and emotions so that I am not a big ball of "hot mess" at the end of it all.
I'm a strong advocate for mental health and for taking care of one's mind as you would your body.  I can admit that I have an excellent counsellor who I do not hesitate to visit when needed, however part of taking care of one's mental health is having an outlet.
Mine, is running.
I come home after a run, time and time again, and tell my husband, my lovely, no-questions-asked-just-taking-care-of-the-girls-so-Mommy-can-escape husband, that running is my happy place.  And it so is

So, the first running lesson I've learned is that having an outlet is detrimental to my health.

Another lesson I've learned from running is that I can do anything.
It will take time, and it may not be pretty or fast, but I can do absolutely anything I set my mind to.
The best things in life do not happen overnight.  If everything was easy, then there would be no reward from the wait.
Finding your life partner, creating and raising children.  These are obviously some of the "wait's" that provide the most gratifying results, however training for a race or changing one's lifestyle in order to gain maximum health benefits are also extremely fulfilling "wait's".

Lesson number two.  If you're willing to put in the time and commitment, then you can achieve anything.

Being able to overcome my negative self, in order to get out the door to run a short 5km run.  THAT is my newest lesson and probably the one that I will struggle with most for the next phase of my life.  Having children and a busy family can make getting in your miles totally impossible very difficult.
It is so important, though, that I strive to maintain my fitness and health so that I can be a good role model for my family, and so that I can be around for a long time to watch my girls grow up.
My negative self is also the one that tells me I'm too fat, or too wrinkle-y, or not tidy enough, or not organized enough...(I could go on, and I'm sure you can all relate!).  Yet, more important than getting my rear out the door for a run, I need to stay on top of my negative self so that I can try to have a healthy self-esteem and body image to reflect upon my girls.

Third lesson, snub out the neggies so that the positive can shine through.

This post will obviously be a short list of the lessons that running has taught me because after the thousands of miles I've logged over the years, I'm sure I could write a book (and I'm SURE one or two have been written!) about my personal gains through running.

The final lesson I'm going to write about involves overcoming obstacles.
Running obstacles most often include an injury of some sort, or a legitimate life happening that creates a short or long-term set back.  A set-back like surgery, or pregnancy.
A set-back can lead to a falling-from-the-bandwagon, which can lead to a full on quit.
Being able to overcome a challenge, even a quit, is a huge accomplishment for anyone.
I have gone through some short and long term breaks from running, but have always, always come back to running.

Last lesson I've learned is that staying on "the horse" is not the goal, but always being able to get back on, is.

I'm about to go get my gear on and go for a run, which is really great because my monkey girls are both sick and I'm feeling rather helpless, so hopefully when I return I'll be able to feel better that they're both going to be alright and that this too, shall pass.

Happy running!

Dear (Almost) Three-Year-Old Audrey

Tomorrow you turn three years old.

THREE!

Where have the past three years gone!

Here you are on December10,2009.  Bright and Shiny and brand new!

It seems like yesterday that we were packing up a tiny 7lb10oz baby into a too-large carseat to take home. 

I'm writing you a letter because I want to tell you about the crazy amount of joy and absolute sheer happiness that you have brought to our lives.

Since you arrived, we have been able to witness all of your growing-up's.

We have watched you roll, sit, stand, walk, pee on the potty, talk and aside from the typical milestones you've hit, you have grown into one of the coolest chicks we've ever known.

Everyday you astound me!  You have an incredible memory and you love to make up silly songs and just be silly in general!  (That is, afterall, what we live by:  Be Silly~Be Honest~Be Kind.)

I love the way you snuggle with Ellie.  The way you throw your arm over her while you snooze, as if you are her protector.

I also love the way to get so excited over your favorite things - M&M's, Maverick, Mickey Mouse and TRUCKS!

When I come home from running, or bootcamp or just being out, you run to the door and say, "Hi Mom!  How was running/bootcamp/shopping?"

LAWD How I love that!!

I love how right at this very moment, as I write this post, you are tucked right in beside me, with your little arm wiggled under my elbow, and you've just said, "Mom, I love ya'"

Here you are with me at the end of my PB half marathon.
You inspire me to be better!

It's impossble to imagine what our life was like before you, and it's strange how much enrichment one little person can add to to so many lives.

Your grandparents have nicknamed you Sunshine and Vitamin A, and it's easy to understand why.

You.  Are.  Infectious.

I know that someday you will do great things and no matter what, you will always, always make us proud.

 

I'm sure the next three years will go by just as fast (or faster!) than the last, but I want you to know that being your Mom has been one of the best things to ever happen to me and I feel so humbled to know you and experience you every day!

 





Candle Lake
May 2010

I couldn't have known what a wonderful and loving
big sister you would be!

Being silly!  You\re quite good at that!  ;)

You have been at every single one
of my races!  Thank you!

We had so much fun making these memories
and we will have these beautiful photos forever!

You are such a cute little 'imp'
and everytime I see a picture of you, I can't
help but grin!

As a baby, you made us work SO hard for
the tiniest smile!  So we've got lots ot pics like this, ya goofus!

Halloween 2011
Cutest chicken EVER!

We employed you to announce your sisters' impending
arrival!  You were proud before she ever came!

 







Every Year

I was driving to my bootcamp class this evening, when I very suddenly had an awful feeling, in the pit of my stomach that nearly took my breath away and left me with a pain in my gut.
I found myself wondering, what on earth could make me feel this way, and before I could even finish thinking those words, I remembered.
I remembered that around this time, the holiday season, seven years ago, seven years ago, was the time that you were ill and eventually passed.
It still seems fresh, and raw, even after all these years.
I still remember driving, every weekend for seven hours, for weeks and weeks, just to see you for a few days.
I would give almost anything to spend all my weekends driving, however far it be, to see you again.
I remember praying harder and more than I ever had before.  Praying that you would get better.  Praying that you wouldn't suffer anymore, but that you would recover and come home.  Praying that this wasn't your time, because you're one of the good ones.
I remember and feel the pain as if it happened yesterday.

I wish that you could have met my husband, and our beautiful children.  One of whom is named after you.
I wish that you could have met all the new members of our family.
I wish that you were here with us, instead of in heaven watching over us.

The songs they played at your funeral, I Can Only Imagine and Silent Night, still bring tears to my eyes in an instant.
It's true that time heals, but time doesn't forget, and I'm grateful for that.
I will never, ever forget you.

I miss you Grandpa, and I love you.