Preschool?!

This evening I will wait in line to register my daughter for preschool.
Is it just me, or does every Mom feel like they're an imposter?
My oldest gal is almost 3.5 years old and it still feels strange to type a sentence like the opener.
I have a daughter?  Actually, I have two!  Now that, my friends, is still unbelievable.
Two little people are fully dependent on Blake and I.
I can't even keep plants alive.
You can breathe out now.  My children are fine.

Back to the school thing.
Vitamin A is so, so ready for school!
We visited Nana and Papa K, Auntie and Uncle K and Great Aunt and Uncle C last week.
Actually, truthfully, we went to snuggle with brand new baby Hailey.  (Love you guys too!)
She is so sweet and lovely and I couldn't love her more!  Great job Garth and Mel!

While we visited, the girls and I went to Nana's school.
Audrey absolutely adores Nana's school!  She loves the kids, she loves playing and she really just loves everything about it!
She was sitting at her desk, chatting with the kids and carpet and put up her hand when asked if she had packed her math homework.
She is so, so ready for preschool in the Fall, but I'm not sure I am.
I feel like the older she gets, the cooler she gets, and the more time I want to spend with her.
How selfish, right?
I totally get why people homeschool their kids.
They're selfish.   ;)

Audrey's speech is improving in leaps and bounds.  Basically, she will climb up to a seat at the table, where we're seated, and say, "OK.  Guys.  What are we doing today?".
Clear as a bell.
And it friggin' cracks me up everytime.
Not everything she says is appropriate though.  Really, though, what toddler is entirely appropriate?
Ellie is a crazy vocal kid, and she can talk the ear off anyone, so Vitamin A has started addressing this.
"Shut your piehole, Ellie!".
This is a problem.
Just try not to laugh at that, though!

Not only has Ellie really found her voice, but she's become a crawling beast!
She pulled herself by her arm and pushed with her power toes for a long time, in a zombie-like fashion, but one day, a couple weeks ago, she figured out how fast she could move by crawling and hasn't looked back!
Her older sister never, ever crawled, so this all took some adjusting to!
Our house never had to be baby-proofed!

Ellie will be 11 months old in 6 days and still doesn't have a tooth!
That doesn't mean she can't take down a half a chicken breast though!  That girl can eat!
She out-eats her older sister!

All these milestones being met, moved on from, makes my gut ache.
I really, really want them to stop growing.
It pains me as much as it makes my heart swell, and I feel like these emotions are at the root of motherhood.
Becoming a Mother (or Father!), brings so many unknowns.  Constant change.
Do we every really know what we're doing?
How many children does one have before they're considered an expert?
IS there such a thing as an expert in Motherhood?

Caught in moment of weakness.
Playing with her sister!

The Cost of Weight Loss

First things first.
Yesterday was the Boston marathon and would have been a regular running event, had it not been for the waste-of-skin-douchebag(s) who planted bombs and in effect, caused pain and suffering for hundreds of families.
Are we safe nowhere?
The Boston marathon.  Probably the most famous running event in the world, and a race for the elite, as you must qualify (I would need to run a 3:35 marathon - *choke) and also be chosen from a lottery, as there really are THAT many people who qualify.  The Boston marathon.  And instead of it being a joyous day, filled with victories and successes, it was marked by a terrorist attack.
But the running community, and the world, are strong, and resilient, and will bounce back and not let this tragedy become a defining moment, but rather a day to remember victims but also to continue to run this race and create everlasting, happy memories.

On to the seemingly petty subject of this post.
Though yesterday's events eclipse any of today, I think it's important to talk about the little things because it helps us to move on, and focus on the mundane, yet happy moments that occur everyday.

Weight loss is such an incredible journey, and I feel so fortunate to have had so much success and continued motivation to reach my goals.
BUT...
I'm finding that my budget is taking a big hit in order to replace my old wardrobe.
If you consider, for a moment, I need to replace almost everything.
Many people have a second wardrobe from when they were a small size, but I've never been this size in my adult life, so had I kept some of the clothes from high school (which was 15 years ago - um, what?!?!), I would be able to fit those clothes.
I must replace underwear, workout gear, jeans, shirts, summer wear, coats and swimsuits.
Basically, I can still fit into my pajamas.
I also think it's important to get rid of the old clothes, because (as I'm sure everyone knows!) it's so very easy to slip back into old habits, grab an old, larger pair of jeans, and carry on.
If this isn't an option, then one has no choice but to be accountable to one's wardrobe.

In addition to the cost of shopping - and I know many would think, "what the HELL is she complaining for!" I started thinking about the cost of weight loss, in itself.
If I start thinking about how much I've spent in my lifetime on gym memberships, fitness classes, workout gear, running shoes, sports leagues, etc.,  I could come up with a rather large number.
Do I consider any of that expenditure in waste?
Nope.
Not even a little bit.
I've never been that gal who signs up for a gym membership, pays the $30 or $40 or $50 monthly fee, only to not spend a single moment at the gym.
I've always, always, found the value in money spent on my fitness and health.
And you should too.
Do you have a gym membership you don't use?  Do you pay for yoga classes you don't attend?
If it's not something you like to do, then don't do it!  But find something else that you do enjoy so that you can easily take care of your body, because at the end of the day, health is on the very short list of things in life that truly matter.

Taking care of our health is so very important, and if the government offered tax breaks, or subsidized the means by which we have to look after our bodies, then maybe more people would do it.
Is it not proactive to gain and maintain health and fitness, rather than lean on our healthcare system when our bodies fail us?
Will we never learn?

Their Chariot Awaits!

*Revised to give props*
So, before I delve into this post, I thought I'd share with you my results from the 12(ish) week challenge I just took part in.
This was strictly a nutrition challenge done through my bootcamp, BMS Bootcamps, and although near the beginning I was training for a half marathon, for the most part I exercised regularly.  That shows ya how important nutrition is!!
Starting on January 21 and ending on March 28, so more like around 10 weeks, I lost 19.4lbs and almost 16.5"!
I did not win a prize, but I absolutely, without a doubt, unequivocally won.
This weight loss journey has been very different for me in that I have not yet felt "done", and I still do not.
Too often, I get comfortable, and feel pretty good about myself and decide to live at that weight, although I know I'm capable of much more.
I have encountered hurdles and obstacles almost daily, and yet I have been able to see past them, to the end goal, in order to be able to persevere.
I'd like to lose 10 more pounds, but ultimately I'd like to leave 20 more behind.  I know that 10 is easily (HA!) achievable, but 10 beyond that will be extra challenging.  I can do this.

Here are some pictures of my journey, and I will admit that the "before" picture was taken in late December and I thought I looked pretty darn good, so with 20 less pounds I think I'm doing alright!

This Saying is SO SO true!  LOVED doing those
blasted ropes!

I stayed very diligent, and although I had a couple of quittin' kinda weeks, I never gained, and I've learned so much about myself and I've discovered that I really, truly LOVE to exercise!  So, on a recent visit to Fort McMurray, I crashed a cross fit type class.
I'm including a picture taken by the fabulous trainer, Kelly Pollard who runs these classes at her gym called Ultimate Sculpting and I was so lucky to get the chance to train with her again while we were visiting.  She snapped a pic of me doing the ropes and I didn't even know she'd taken the photo, because I was SO focused - and you can kinda tell!

So with this new physique comes a new appreciation and even MORE love for running!  I've set my sights on the Walt Disney World marathon for January 2014, so I will be a busy gal training for several halfs, a couple triathlons and then my second full marathon!

When we learned we were to welcome a second little person, my husband and I invested (and that's definitely what we did!  INVEST!) in a Chariot Cougar2.  It's a fabulous stroller and the only double one we own.  We've used it for pulling behind the bike, in the mall and just out for walks with the girls, but I had not taken it out for a run.

I had planned a long run one evening last week when my husband got home from work, and because of a miscommunication, my plans had to be modified.  I had yet to take the girls out running in the double stroller, mostly out of fear, and so I strapped them in, gave them snacks and lots of blankets and set out for a short run. I had given myself the slack to run 5.5km, instead of the 8 I had planned.  I quickly realized that pushing the girls really wasn't as difficult as I'd thought and did the entire 8 I had originally intended to do - only around 4 minutes slower than my non-stroller-pushing time!

Since discovering how easy it is to take the girls along with me for my runs, I've taken them 4 times in the last 6 days!  They love it, I love it and it gives me a little extra challenge - especially up the hills!  PLUS, as a bonus, they are sleeping really well at night!

So, I leave for you a mess (literally - I'm so computer stunned it's not even funny!) of pictures with captions to try and explain what the deuce is going on!

Next time I write, I'll be several pounds less!!

www.bmsbootcamps.com
www.ultimatesculpting.com

BEFORE
December 2012

Taking my monkey girls out for a run!
Look how cozy that little pod looks!

AFTER
March 2013

Step In Line

We all currently know someone who is on their weightloss journey.
At any given point in my life I know someone who was on theirs.
This time, it's my turn.
I'm always excited for someone who has found their success, their winning combination.
A part of me is always jealous, because, of course, I would like to be in their shoes, but ultimately, I am thrilled that someone I know is finding a new, healthy way to live.

When it becomes apparent that you are, in fact, the one who has discovered your own, personal way to shed the weight, it seems a bit surreal and you find that you still view yourself as the "old" you.
I recently went shopping to buy some new jeans and the lovely sales gal brought nine pairs of jeans for me to try on!  NINE!  She didn't know I loathe shopping, I guess.
I tried on about 6 of the pairs.  That was enough for me!  And each time I held up those jeans and thought to myself, there is no flippin' way these are going to fit me!  And each time, they did!
This time, it's my turn.

I purchased a very nice, but expensive, pair of jeans and a new (medium!?) shirt, which, shockingly, also fit me!  I've decided that I work too hard on my body to live in crappy clothes.  At this point, I want to show off my body, because I have worked my whole life for this.  I really have!  I was on Weight Watchers when I was nine years old!
I also need to learn to reward myself with things like clothing because all too often I would reward myself for having a great week and losing a pound, or two - with a treat!  (What!?)  So backwards!  1000 calories is roughly a third of a pound and trust me, it's not hard to consume 1000 calories!

Today, I am 11 pounds away from a very maintainable goal weight and I am so prepared for the challenges I will face as I battle the last 10 pounds.  I may, or may not have to change up my diet.  I may, or may not have to increase the intensity/duration/frequency of my workouts and I may, or may not have to lean on my support system more than ever.
But this time, it's my turn.

If you are reading this and you are contemplating starting your own weightloss journey, then you have begun.  If you jumped in with both feet in January and now you're finding your interest has faded, you're bored, or you didn't see the results.  Remember, it will come off the exact way it was put on.  One pound at a time.  Don't stop.  Step in line, this time.
Because this time, it's your turn.

A Look Inside

I want to give a glimpse of what the "inside" looks like.
What it looks, or actually, feels like to be a size 16.
I won't pretend that this makes me any kind of plus-size expert, but I do know what I feel like felt like as a size 16, 14, 12...

I've always been so envious of the people who don't have to struggle work at maintaining their physique.  The people who can eat whatever they like and not gain weight.  Or the people who can go to the gym for 90 days, or whatever the programs promote, and come out the other side with muscle definition.
I am fully aware that I will never, ever, ever be one of these people.  For the rest of my life I will have to watch what I eat and exercise.  A lot.  Exercise a lot.  Like 4 or 5 times a week.  Which is why training for various events is so good for me.  It tricks me into thinking that my workouts have a bigger purpose beyond changing and maintaining my physical appearance. (Which they do, of course!  It's simply much easier to know that there's an end goal and not just week after week of workouts - forever, and ever, and ever...)
The fact that I get to struggle with my weight is actually a blessing.
At least I am healthy enough to take on the challenge!

Anyways, I digress as the topic of this post is actually about what it's like to weigh 200+ lbs.

I have spent the majority of my adult life weighing more than 200lbs.  Like most, I've managed to take off pounds once in awhile and bring that magic number below 200, but often its just below and I've not been able to maintain that.  (Maintenance of weight loss is probably my number one fear, BTW.  But that's a topic I'll explore another time!).
When I was 222lbs (my ACTUAL magic number.  It seems my scale can quite comfortably stop and stay on this number!), I never felt "fat".  I've always felt good in my skin because I've always exercised and eaten well.  I've also always been surrounded by people who are crazy supportive and have always told me I look good.
But what is it really like to reach to the backs of the racks to find your size, if they even have sizes that go that large?
What is it really like to wake up every morning, starting with getting out of bed, and have almost every activity (putting on socks, tying shoes, picking up a loonie, getting into your vehicle...) cause exertion?
What is it really like to hold up your jeans and feel actual, genuine fear that they will not fit, or that you will have such a horrific muffin-top that your next step will be to find a top that will camouflage this?
What is it like?
It's kind of awful.

I say that I never felt fat, and I didn't.  However, I was constantly reminded of how my weight was affecting every single aspect of my day-to-day life.  Why should I be out of breath walking up seven steps?  Why should I be out of breath climbing seven steps when I was in the midst of training for a half marathon!?
It feels awful to be walking with someone and catch a glimpse of your shadow and realize what a vast difference there is between the two of you.
It feels awful to try and "squeeze" past something or someone and realize that no amount of sucking-in will allow you through.
It feels awful to be at a hockey game and know that if your team scores a goal, you may or may not be able to stand up in a timely manner to cheer them on.
It feels awful to know that a standard hotel towel will not cover you up.  That you will need to get dressed in the bathroom to avoid being seen with what seems like a postage-stamp sized towel attempting to cover your bits.

What I am trying to do is give a glimpse of what it's like to live inside a size 16 body.  I cannot give a personal view from inside a size 18, or 20 and alternately, from a size 6 or 8.  I also won't say that being a size 16 is the worst thing.  It's not.  It's just that living life in a smaller frame is easier and that the daily, mundane activities I used to struggle with, have now become quite easy.  I have already started taking this for granted, so I have to consciously remind myself of the hard work and sweat that has gone into this journey.
I also know that weight loss and maintenance is something I will work at forever.  I cannot slip for even one day.  Because one day can turn into one month, and then six months, and before I can bat an eyelash, I'm reaching for the back of the rack again.

I am so incredibly proud of my successes and I am trying to own it and relish in the compliments, but I know that I'm rounding the bend towards the finish line and I cannot take my eyes off the prize.  I must be more focused than ever and be mindful of the difficulty in losing the "last 10 pounds".

Do I wish I was one of those people who didn't have to be especially careful about what I eat?  Hell yes!
Do I wish I didn't have to work out 4 or 5 times a week - intensely?  Hell.  To.  The.  Yes.
However, this is the hand I've been dealt and if eating well and exercising is wrong, then I don't want to be right.  It feels good to be healthy and fit.  And I know I'm laying the groundwork for my girls to follow in my footsteps.

Soul Freedom

Cliques.  Bullies. Drama.
Didn't you think that after high school you'd leave it all behind?
I did!
But guess what?  These people exist throughout the course of our lives.
Being able to just be grateful for what we have and not worry about these happenings going on around us is something that can bring peace and contentment in our day to day lives.
But it's definitely not easy.
Do I wish that losing weight was easier?
Yep.
Do I wish that I had nicer hair or skin?
You betcha.
Do I wish that I could keep in better touch with my friends and family?
Of course!
I have been dealt these cards and really, at the end of the day, I have a pretty fantastic life and if the hardest obstacle for me to overcome is my weight, then that's petty in comparison to the challenges that many others face.

I know that everyone has endured something in their lives that has caused them hurt and pain.
I'm no different.
As I get older, I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot control other people, but I can control how I react.

This is not a new concept, however, to truly live this, brings a personal peace like no other.

To be able to forgive people, especially without them knowing, can free your soul and take a huge, invisible weight off your shoulders.

I find it exhausting to continue to use my brain space on people and things that I do not value.  I need to let go of parts of my past that leave me heavy chested and stressed.
I recall a saying that goes along the lines of, the best revenge is to live a good life.
Revenge for what?  Is that even the right word?
How about, live a good life.
Period.
Why does it need to be an in your face kind of thing?  The bullies and the cliques and the drama will always be there.  Live a great life anyway.

I'm sure as I get older and gain life experience, I will look back on moments that seemed life changing at the time, and see them as trivial and juvenile.
But even this is a personal choice, and essentially, a reaction to a circumstance.
I thought that high school drama would be left in high school and that the older I got, the further it would be left behind, but each person is entitled to live their own life and some people either enjoy their life and some maybe can't let go of the past.
I used to view people who were 5 or 10 or 15 years older than me, as more mature.
I guess I just assumed that, but again, as I get older, I'm learning that maturity is not a guarantee or a rite of passage, but rather a choice to wake up, each day, and live a good life.

So many of the hardest lessons in life are also the most worthy and rewarding.  And of course, it won't be easy to learn these lessons or we wouldn't put much value in them!
I know in my own life I struggle to focus on myself and my family and I find myself worrying about "the small stuff".
I also know that when I DO focus on my highest values, I feel good.  I feel focused and powerful and clear.
And I know that my soul is freed.
Because I let it be.

Love Letters

To our super sweet Audrey,
 I want to take this time to tell you what a beautiful, intelligent, funny young lady you're becoming.
Since the moment you were placed into our arms, you have brought your Daddy and I more joy than we thought our hearts could hold.
You inspire us to be our best selves and you have made our purpose in life seem obvious.
I absolutely adore you and being your Mom is an honor.
I hope that you continue to grow and explore and that you're never afraid to take the step beyond your comfort zone, because even if you happen to stumble, your Daddy and I will always be waiting to catch you.
I certainly don't need a holiday to tell you these things, however Valentine's Day was a good deadline for me to post about the crazy amount of love I feel for you.
XOXO
Forever and always, you'll have our whole hearts
Mommy & Daddy

To our feisty and fearless Ellie,
You have been apart of our family for less than a year and it is already impossible to imagine what our lives must have been like before you!
You truly are the happiest girl on the planet and although you definitely keep us on our toes way more than we needed to be with your older sister, we love you in a way that words cannot quite capture.
I simply can't wait to watch you and your sister grow up and I'm so happy that your Dad and I will get to be a part of it all.
Please know that we love you and cherish you so very much and you will always be our little girl.
XOXO
We love you bigger than Texas
Mommy & Daddy

And finally,

To my Blake,
I'm never quite sure how to tell you how I feel about you, because I assume that you know, but just in case you didn't...
Since the day I met you - March 22, 2007, I knew you were different.  Special.  Meant for me.
You have made my life spectacular.  I have never treasured or valued anything more than you.
Even after six years (six?!  Really?!), I am in awe of your ambition, drive and tenacity.
You are an incredible man and I feel so proud and contented to be your wife.
When I see you with our daughters, it brings instant tears to my eyes and warms my heart right up through my chest.  My love and joy can't be contained because I find myself smiling at the most random times, every day, just at the thought of my beautiful life.
Thank you for loving me, fiercely.  I have never once doubted your love for me and that is the greatest gift I have ever received.
I love you today more than I have ever loved another and to know that I get to love you for the rest of my life is absolutely something to look forward to.
I can't wait to watch our girls grow into the lovely young women I know they're destined to become.
And then I can't wait to grow up with you.
We have a great life together.

I love you.  Always.
Heather